2018

2018 - it definitely wasn't easy. Maybe even, the worst. 

How do I even begin. I guess the two thankful things that might have happened would be I graduated, and  I got a job with a really lovely team. 

It's been hard, it's been so hard. One filled with procrastination, hatred, and fear. I been so reluctant to look back into 2018 just because of how disgusting it has been for me, but it this bad karma, or is this just bad faith turned wrong?

It started off fine, but here's that timeline of how things went south real quick -
V left, she went off to the south and started her job earlier before the year even started which was the biggest bum.
In March, the one person I could trust my life to in New Zealand ruined me. He stripped away every bit of faith I had in humanity.
April, I was intoxicated, I was constantly on alcohol, drugs, and I was about to quit my last lap of university.
May, I got my stomach pumped over and over again - i turned suicidal and I was at my worst.
June, I decided to move back to New Zealand because I wasn't ready to face my demons in Singapore just yet. I couldn't see my mentor anymore just because i was no longer a student.
July, I fell so ill I needed a surgery - had 9 holes on my upper thigh and was at one of the lowest points in my life.
August, I broke up with my 4 years boyfriend, Brian. and got new a puppy called Peanut. 
September, I fell out with a really close friend because I decided to move out into V's place - but maybe that was for the better as well. then I got Pretzel and Bagel.
October, I decided to move back home. I came home to face my demons, but it just got worst. Family wasn't there anymore.
November, I got a job, I thought things were maybe getting better..
December, Peanut passed away from a hit and run. Saw how disgusting Singaporeans could be on social media and lost faith in everything.

This is a glimpse of 2018.
And today, I am out of my wits, I'm at the end.
I'm so desperate for help,
but I have no idea what else I can do.

why

Everything is coming to an end - either it's me running out of patience or I'm just tired of the usual routine of life.
Maybe it's time for my break, it''s time for me to learn to love myself and figure what's good for me. It's time I figure out what I am going to do next and how I am gonna get there. It's time I solely think about myself and only me. I should stop worrying about everyone and what they want.

At this stage in life, I think I have the capacity to only love myself and Donut. I don't think I can deal with another let down.

I don't think I've ever felt like that.
I think I've aupressdd myself long enough. I think I'm about to collapse and just cry. For the first time in a long time, i have finally let myself feel what's being sad all about. I can finally feel what's like to lose a parent. The feeling of losing someone you used to love and adore. I've seen the transition of my life in the last two years, I've seen how everyone changed within two years and it's sad to say but I no longer recognize them. I no longer recognize the people I used to love or the ones that used to care so much about me.

I don't think there's anything worst than destroying someone's dignity. I don't think there's anything worst than losing that flesh attached to your body. I used to say it's okay, she's happy. But so what if she's happy. When she's happy but everyone else isn't, when her happiness destroyed everything. But on my part, it's selfish to want her back even though everything will never be the same. The last two years has been hell. The numerous attempts of suicide and people getting hurts. Is this what the process of happiness has to be? For the first time in the two years I'm celebrating Chinese New Year in Singapore, and it feels odd, knowing that I am not gonna spend it with my entire family. But what's family.

It's all these feelings that surrounds me and I'm not entirely sure what I should do. It's me feeling lost and broken yet I'm not supposed to show it. It's me telling the whole world I'm okay just because I need to be.

I don't even know what's going on,
I don't know what's wrong with me blabbering here and having so much feelings in me.

It's like a mix feeling of everything
maybe I'm just filled with a lump of confusion over my head
When you finally realise you don't know who to trust, and who to talk to.
When you finally realise you have lost everyone
And you've nothing left.


So many contradictions, so many judgement. Tell me. Have you ever judged me because of what I am or who I am. Because I have a family that's so broke or because I'm the 'princess' of the family that get what I want. Tell me, have you judged me? I feel like, I should finally stop thinking about everyone else because all I hear is lies and more lies. I feel like I been so tangible and everyone around me was merely spinning and playing with what was in my head. Doesn't it feel utterly horrible when you finally realised that you been played.


For once,  I feel really sad. So sad to the point that I don't really know what to do. I don't know who I can talk to and who I should turn to. I feel like everyone I have once trusted, all played me out. This time, I am trying to figure if you should even hold afew close ones when the closest one has turned their back on you. Well, they never turned away, they simply twisted their words, kinda smart I reckon.


I feel like I lost everything important to me. I am just.. feeling so much.
I realised how much I've bottled up for so long just to prevent judgement from one person to another, and I realised I can't do this any longer. I realised all I do is turn to my bed and cry, and you get up and tell yourself 'you will make it' and you turn happy, and the cycle repeats.


It just hurts, it hurts a lot. To know what your friends are treating you as and how people turn to you. It hurts, really. it hurts to know that you don't even know if the ones closest to you actually love you.


Honestly, I don't know if you love me anymore, I don't know what exactly 'love' should represent. I don't know how one should love another person. I thought love was acceptance, trust and no judgement, but I guess I was wrong. And I guess that's not how everyone loves.