is this too late?

When your two world comes crashing down, when your greatest fear becomes a reality - and somehow all you were doing was just asking for all this to happen. 

I thought I was happy last year. I felt like I was. It felt as though I had everything and nothing else mattered. Little did I know that my happy days were all taken for granted. I subconsciously hurt people around me and relied on everyone for help when I needed it, yet I took it for granted. I continuously fell sick even when B was there, clearly I took it for granted thinking that everytime I fell sick I had someone to look out for me. I cried for days and I continued to do the things that were clearly unhealthy simply because I felt like it was right. I don't have the best parents, but what other choice do I have when my parents are the only people that are supporting me. 

They can hurt me a thousand times, but who was there when I needed to be support when I was younger. I can't simply abandon them just because they hurt me this once. But you know how it feels like, it feels like you've zero strength of standing by yourself, it feels like you don't know whether you should be the mature one or be the one that continues to give in. I keep feeling like I should bother and I should forgive, i keep thinking that I should give them another chance. But how many more times am I going to be willing to get hurt over.

It feels like I don't even know what I want till I lose everything. I feel like i don't even know what's important to me anymore. I feel like this time round I have to walk away from everything I hold close. Maybe to even take a month off to get over all of this. Maybe that's what i have to do to get better. The fact that I almost lost my sanity when I pulled the knife out. That makes me feel utterly disgusting to know what I was capable of. I feel disgusted knowing that people knows my family is like that. I feel disgusted that I have such a family or the fact that my dad was capable of treating me in such a manner. 

I have never felt so sad in my life or feel like I don't know what I want. I don't even feel like going out or going to shop, I don't feel like going anywhere but somewhere to be by myself. I know I will miss it here by leaving everything like that. But I can't possibly find another way I can tell myself I will be happy. I'm tired. I am so tired of what I have been going though the past one year. I feel sick and tired of knowing that it's been one year and nothing has changed. I figured that i no longer need anyone to tell me eventually it will be okay because it will never be okay. I don't even know what to do to make anything okay anymore. I felt like I could fix things and give things time to heal, but what 's the point. I have to fix myself before I can even do anything else. 

It isn't about B and I, it's isn't about how he always eventually makes me feel better. Because I know this time round he can't, I know only I can make myself feel better otherwise whatever that I do or have now is not going to help. I just need to be by myself and think it through.

I am sorry to whoever I've hurt, relied on or took for granted in 2015 or the previous years. I'm not asking for forgiveness, but I just want you to know I am sorry. I can't give the excuse of me being hurt as well. But the way I treated any of you should have been utter crap. I placed my relationship as a huge priority because I felt as though no one else cared about my wellbeing and placed B responsible over my life subconsciously and that was never supposed to happen. I'm really sorry I've hurt people. Especially Shivy and B. 

Shivy I'm sorry I took you for granted and just left you in Singapore by simply flying to NZ on impulse. I'm sorry I allowed my boyfriend to replace the tier of bestfriend. I am sorry if I hurt you or used you in any manner. I'm sorry that I'm pushing you away from my life at this point of time or just going to NZ in a week's time. I'm sorry that I've been regarding you as someone that could be available to my life 24/7, I'm sorry that I completely took you for granted.

B, I'm sorry I held you responsible over me, I am sorry I made my entire world revolved around yours. I shouldn't have. All the more we aren't married or so, I'm sorry that I had myself completely rely on you and I'm sorry that it was because of me that your studies got pushed back. I'm sorry that I placed the importance of my family when you saw that all they were doing was things to hurt me. I understand if you dislike them, but I hope you understood that it was only because I felt like I was in the position that I had to be their daughter and be there for them all the more I was 7000miles away. I never meant to hurt you or upset you. 

It's time I tried to love myself alittle and be there for myself. 

Change

I lost everything and the last thing I need now is to lose you.
2015 wasn't that great, I lost every bit of independency and adapted to clinging on to you. I forgot the importance of having personal space and left you there to see me in every broken way. Well, I thought we were happy, no doubt. I like my life back in 2015, I didn't need to bother about what was going to happen at home and shifted my priorities because I felt like things at home was considered a norm. I cried once in awhile when they called, and had you on the spot. I became vulnerable and weak and relied so much on you.

I told you this year would be different. At the point when I told you it was going to be, I honestly didn't know what to expect or how it was actually going to be different, my main motive was solely to stay with you and be by you.
But I finally figured it out. I figured that I could not have my happiness solely relying on you the moment I figured my family was gone. I had to love myself enough to be independent. Moving out wasn't about whether I could take care of myself because I know I'm capable of doing so, it was only because I hated being alone, I hate the dark and I fear many things. I say 2016 would be different because I'm going to stand up for the right things, I'm going to stand firm on my belief and know that i deserve to be treated better by others. I can't possibly live in my own comfort and be afraid if every human was going to hurt me. I need friends that I can rely on and people that would make me feel happy. I needed to make sure I ate and didn't fall sick so often or rather, simply taking care of my health the moment j know I was going to fall. I've health issues and my immune system may be the lousiest. I get lonely and I fear being alone.
I say I'll give you your space and I mean it. Giving your space being I would be quiet when you want me to, I'd create a group of friends and be by them when I can so I don't spend every bit of air around you. I want you to gain that space and I want the spark to reunite in us. I really want things to work out and we need to learn how to appreciate and support each other in the most compromising manner. I love you B, and I'm sorry I threw so many break up talk this year. I think that's what happens when I get scared and jittery, and that's something I'm gonna change too. 2016, I need to fix and love myself more.
I'm sorry for what I've done and for not respecting you and your decisions so far. 

Please tell me you will work things out with me and be by me my toughest decision now. 

one

Some days, you would feel like you have no friends
No one to talk to.
And when all that disappointments come rushing in.
Your entire world or system would feel like is falling right in front of your eyes
And you can't do anything about it.

Pathetic isn't it

endings.

don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me, I said you're holding back, he said shut up and dance with me. 

So, 2015's ending. It's been a bittersweet year, filled with plenty of discoveries and laughter.

Let's start from the top.
I moved 5675miles away from home.
Honestly,  I started the year rough. Hoping that whatever that I was going through was about to end while I was here. Basically, my mom and dad are both unfaithful people and they aren't the best parents. If you have known me long enough, I always had a dream to study abroad, simply because I hated the education system in Singapore and I hated how I was viewed as the kid that might have never went into university, so I wanted to prove everyone I knew wrong. And here I am today.

First of all, I met an amazing guy last year, he inspired me to be so much more than I am. He taught me how to be a better person and showed me that I was able to be more that what I perceived myself to be. I didn't know if my relationship was gonna work out with him last year, honestly. I was just foolishly in love with this guy that was treating me really well even though I felt like I didn't deserve all of that. Through the end of the year, he got in university - we were parting ways. A part of me didn't believe my relationship would have worked because I knew I would have needed him next to me, physically. I needed him because I was mentally breaking down when my family was turning into dust right infront of my eyes. I needed my escape route, and going to Melbourne was a definite no from my parents because I was the only daughter and safety was key to my parents even if they were both messed up, so they felt safe only if I had someone looking out for me.... so a chance to study abroad + not going through ldr + escape route: it felt like one of the best decisions of my life.

But sometimes, I feel like this decision that I made was one of the most selfish thing that I have decided, because I left my two younger brother alone in that mess, especially Sean.

Months went by, and through it all - i realized that being by yourself makes you learn so much about yourself. I finally figured what I want in my relationship, what I want in my life, and how I want things to be done. I figured what type of person I was, and you learn to become you because there's no one else to follow or impress. I get to be myself and I finally get to breath.

I realized that I am not as independent as I think I am. I am very emotional. I get hurt very easily just because I'm very sensitive to things that people say. I say sorry even if I feel like I'm not in the wrong. I give in and suck it up to people I care about. I forgive people but I may never treat them the same. I believe that having no intention to hurt is not true. I think that secrets kills relationships. I hold some of my beliefs strongly because my parents have shown me alot. I realized that I'm not as simple as I think I am. I believe that I'm very spoiled and I like being pampered once in awhile.
And the list goes on.

But hey, i stepped out of my comfort zone this year and I'm proud of myself. For those who said I could never live without my parents, I did it. I managed to cook my own food, wash the toilet, vacuum the floor, wash the dishes, do the laundry, fold the clothes, pack the house, do my own groceries. I'm not that spoiled..... to a certain extend. But one big take away, I don't need to prove myself to anyone or to make anyone proud of me, because so long as I know I did it, I'm contented. I know that from other people's eyes, I may always be the little girl, the emotional wrack, the timid one, or even the princess; but I know I did what I never thought I was able to do 5 year ago, or even 1 year ago. I'm doing things that I may have never thought possible.

yes, there were days where I could feel like shit, I felt like things were tough and life was just crap and I could quit university and go find some job that pleases me. On the other hand, I have parents and family to worry about. Living here isn't all that fun when your home is all broken and you have more to worry about. Sometimes, it gets scary, it gets really tough and I do always break down. There is no one time where I don't throw my phone onto the ground or cry after having a conversation with my parents. Afterall, they are the one supporting me through university, and they brought me up. Even though one or the other has done wrong, I can't possibly leave any. I can't pick sides even though they are wrong. I love them both even though there are days that makes me hate them so much. Maybe I do, I just hate their actions. I can honestly say I'm scared to go back home. I'm scared to get pulled into all that drama. I wouldn't know what to do because it feels really scary. People can giving me millions of solutions but that's not what I need, because you won't ever understand what I've been through in the years, and you can't tell me you know how it feels because you know nothing at all. I've always wanted my family to be important to me but it feels like one of the hardest thing to keep close to my heart because it feels like a knife stabbing through when you constantly pull it closer and closer.

this is the part where I thank B, thank you for being by my side through this year, for taking me to the hospital, or having sleepless nights whenever I fall sick and calming me down when I have a panic attack. Thank you for being there for me even though you think that relationships are non reciprocal. I'm happy. I've been a very happy girl since the day I met you, and I'm really glad that you've been holding on to me till today. This year was definitely hard, where we realized that we may have wanted different things, but I'm thankful we pulled through those days. I'm thankful that you tolerated with me and been with me since. Even though there are days that I feel like maybe I should strangle you and I have every right to be angry, somehow you always... perk me up all over again whenever you make me mad.


I'm happy, yet.... well, bittersweet.

thank you 2015.