It feels like it's all crashing down again, it feels like it's going so softly this time round; but the fall wouldn't be gentle, the fall would hurt and I would crash with flames. 

it doesn't make it okay when you leave me hanging, when you do something that fills me up with hope and take my down within a snap. Neither does it make it okay that I've to crumple my heart and cry because of something that was done to hurt others yet I've to stay silent.

have you ever felt like your mind was corrupted with everything unhappy, your stomach crushes alittle over the dinner table because you know what conversations you would have. Every single time.  You try to fix things but you know you can't, you know you're "too young" to interfere or you don't have a voice to make a say.

I think that's not the worst. Worst comes from your heart starting to wrinkle. Worst comes when I start to ask myself, why do I love you so much/ worst comes when you feel like you're nothing but a hopeless lover.
Worst is when I started going through an emotional pit but I had to realize no one was going to be there and you had to suck it all up. It's when all I wanted was you to listen and tell me it was going to be okay, not all your solutions or finding where the fault came from. I didn't ask for you to fix me, I wanted you to be there.

Worst began with me asking myself if you loved me more than i love you. 
  
I need to breath. I need to tell myself I would be okay. I was never like that. Well maybe, a messed up wreck.

But tell me the truth, really.
What is family when everyone's hiding secrets and telling lies built around the home.

I was once told, your family is what matters, is the idol to your future family, your parents love towards each other is the one that you'd learn to love your other.

Maybe happiness was my glimpse of hope, but everything's turning so shady. Everything.

you ask

you ask
I answer
but here's the truth of all my fears
because all my fears were formed when the thought of losing you creeps in

I'm scared, i'm so scared of what I would become once you leave. I don't know how I am going to hold on to my tears when you leave. I don't know how I would be okay for the next 12 months when you leave me. I know you would tell me "we are going to be okay" well I tell myself that too, but I don't know how to handle everything all on my own.

I don't know how to not have someone to hug when I don't have you around. I don't know who I would turn to when I have a bad day or where I can hide when I'm so tired of everyone around me. So who's going to celebrate my happy moments with me. Who's going to hold me whenever I have to cry. Who is going to listen to me when I need to rant all my frustrations out.

No one is going to be here to chase me to the doctors when I fall ill, no one is going to take me out for lunch whenever I say I'm hungry. No one is going to bother about what I do because you're the only one that bothers.

You ask. Why I'm so quiet. Why on certain days where I can just look at you and smile otherwise just stare down at the ground.Truth is - I dare not tell you what I'm thinking of. I dare not go to you and talk to you about any of this because I know what you would say. I know that you would tell me the same thing all over again "Ugh. Don't cry now". And I know I would if we ever talk about it.

Everytime we head out shopping for necessary things for university or you doing something that involves going away, I shrug away and hold my tears back, because I know you're going to leave me.

Ya, there's that slight chance that I might be going to New Zealand too, and you have no idea how afraid I am if I don't get in. You have no idea how much I want to be less than 6000 miles away from you. You have no idea how much I want that hug whenever I can get. I want you around so bad I can't even bear the thought of sending you off at the airport.

Baby, i don't know how to be okay when you leave.

I don't know how to hold back all my tears and I don't know how to breath on my own whenever I panic. I don't know how I would be able to tell you i am doing fine because the thought of you going away scares the hell out of me.

January is coming so soon, and as much as I wanna spend every moment I can with you, as much as I want to spend every moment I have with you happily. I don't know how I am going to do it. I don't know how I am going to feel okay all the time I'm with you because as long as I get reminded of you leaving, I turn jelly.

my head's a mess. It's so bad because I am scared. I'm so scared if I would ever lose you to distance. I'm so scared if you would ever get tired of me not being there. 12 months. This is why going over to NZ means the world to me now because I know that it wouldn't be as hard as it is if I'm still here.

you're everything to me - and by that, it means that I would never want you to leave me because 12 months is going to be hell as long as you're not around me. 12 months would be the slowest to past when I don't have you around. I don't know how I am going to do it. I don't know how I am going to be okay. I don't know where that 12 months is going to bring us as long as I'm not seeing you.



i don't know how to be okay because i keep falling deeper and deeper in love with you.

I don't want any goodbyes

You constantly tell me to not think about it
Saying we should live the moment
But I can't.
I can't tell myself I'm going to be okay.
I can't imagine being at the departing hall
Sending you away, I can't.
I get scared,
I ask myself what I'm going to do when I don't have you around
I think about the miles apart 
And honestly, it scares me.
I can't imagine us being apart
I can't imagine what will happen next 
But I'm afraid,
I'm afraid of being alone here. 
You tell me to not think, 
You tell me to not count down,
But count the days we have left 
And cherish whatever we still have.
Isn't it still putting a clock on it.
This is one scary ride 
Because I don't know what's going to happen next 
But tell me you're going to hold on to me
Till the very end.
Because I don't want to let you go
I don't know how I'm going to let you go

i stabbed

When you actually figure you hurt someone, 

you hurt that one person so bad.

You then have no idea what to do, 

but you tell yourself he hurt you first.

You have all the reasons to move along with your happiness

but still

you're living with the guilt

you hurt someone so bad

and you can't take it back

though you get to live happily

you hurt someone

and that's the bottom line, 

ultimately.