I don't think I've ever felt like that.
I think I've aupressdd myself long enough. I think I'm about to collapse and just cry. For the first time in a long time, i have finally let myself feel what's being sad all about. I can finally feel what's like to lose a parent. The feeling of losing someone you used to love and adore. I've seen the transition of my life in the last two years, I've seen how everyone changed within two years and it's sad to say but I no longer recognize them. I no longer recognize the people I used to love or the ones that used to care so much about me.

I don't think there's anything worst than destroying someone's dignity. I don't think there's anything worst than losing that flesh attached to your body. I used to say it's okay, she's happy. But so what if she's happy. When she's happy but everyone else isn't, when her happiness destroyed everything. But on my part, it's selfish to want her back even though everything will never be the same. The last two years has been hell. The numerous attempts of suicide and people getting hurts. Is this what the process of happiness has to be? For the first time in the two years I'm celebrating Chinese New Year in Singapore, and it feels odd, knowing that I am not gonna spend it with my entire family. But what's family.

It's all these feelings that surrounds me and I'm not entirely sure what I should do. It's me feeling lost and broken yet I'm not supposed to show it. It's me telling the whole world I'm okay just because I need to be.

I don't even know what's going on,
I don't know what's wrong with me blabbering here and having so much feelings in me.

It's like a mix feeling of everything
maybe I'm just filled with a lump of confusion over my head
When you finally realise you don't know who to trust, and who to talk to.
When you finally realise you have lost everyone
And you've nothing left.


So many contradictions, so many judgement. Tell me. Have you ever judged me because of what I am or who I am. Because I have a family that's so broke or because I'm the 'princess' of the family that get what I want. Tell me, have you judged me? I feel like, I should finally stop thinking about everyone else because all I hear is lies and more lies. I feel like I been so tangible and everyone around me was merely spinning and playing with what was in my head. Doesn't it feel utterly horrible when you finally realised that you been played.


For once,  I feel really sad. So sad to the point that I don't really know what to do. I don't know who I can talk to and who I should turn to. I feel like everyone I have once trusted, all played me out. This time, I am trying to figure if you should even hold afew close ones when the closest one has turned their back on you. Well, they never turned away, they simply twisted their words, kinda smart I reckon.


I feel like I lost everything important to me. I am just.. feeling so much.
I realised how much I've bottled up for so long just to prevent judgement from one person to another, and I realised I can't do this any longer. I realised all I do is turn to my bed and cry, and you get up and tell yourself 'you will make it' and you turn happy, and the cycle repeats.


It just hurts, it hurts a lot. To know what your friends are treating you as and how people turn to you. It hurts, really. it hurts to know that you don't even know if the ones closest to you actually love you.


Honestly, I don't know if you love me anymore, I don't know what exactly 'love' should represent. I don't know how one should love another person. I thought love was acceptance, trust and no judgement, but I guess I was wrong. And I guess that's not how everyone loves.

no excuses.

Writing frees my emotions. I get to sit silently and think through what has been on my mind.
Rage. That's the word. I been filled with rage, hatred and so much more. I hated all that has been happening to me. I felt like my life was over, disturbed and humiliated.

I have never felt like my dignity was ripped off my soul till that one night, and today, i'm still learning to forgive. I'm trying to not have the world hate my parents as much as I hate them. Yes they did something wrong, but for 21 years, I did despise them, they were never the idea parents. And if you are from a home that's perfect, strict parents and what so. Be thankful. I cried for days. I isolated myself for days and I didn't eat, sleep or shop. I'd say I'm proud of myself for not shopping, but I'm certainly not proud at the way I took a knife against my dad. I'm not proud of how I acted or screamed fuck you at him.

I don't hate him, I hate his actions.
People around me hear what they do, they hear what happen and they listen. They know what my parents do to me and how I suffered not-so-silently. If you knew me years ago, my rage was simply about how my parents never loved me and money was the center of my family.
Indeed, you can say I'm rich or spoilt, I won't deny. I know I've been a brat since awhile back. But shopping was my way of happiness. Everything I had was temporary and i knew it. I was told that one day all that I have will be gone. I never believed it.

Never did I believe one day I'd have lost everything. I never thought that it would have been me. I thought I was daddy's princess till the day it all came crashing down. I held it in for 1 year and more, I kept quiet and I cried only to one person. I hated how they were treating me. I hated how I could get calls and get told "don't ever come home, I never want to see you again". I was hurt. Devastated. I mean, which parent in the right mind would tell their child that.
The blow got even bigger when I was back in Singapore. I was told that he's doing all that to me simply because I'm the only thing valuable enough for him to hurt. Cause when he hurts me, he will hut her.

I tried to take it in, but deep down. I know I feel sad. I feel horrified of my own home and I feel scared. I feel like I'm all alone and I don't have a space to breath. I felt like every inch of happiness was stolen away from me and I'm sucked into this compress world. I feel like I did lose everything and it was all taken away from me within the next moment.

It's true. I took everything for granted. My life was..... everything. I had a really great boyfriend, I could shop and not have a limit to it, I had friends that I slowly let go cause I couldn't give a fuck about maintaining a friendship. I said I hated making friends, but when I made the closest friends, I let them go within a month. I hurt people around me last year. I failed them and broke their trust in me. I am sorry friends, family and even boyfriend. I am sorry for hurting or taking any of you for granted. I was never in the position to take you all for granted. I never had any intention hurting or being a bitch around you. I never meant to make our friendship "me". I talked all day about myself and what was bothering me. I never listened and I was never there when you guys needed me.

This goes out to all of you.
I am sorry. And maybe it's too late for me to say sorry, but do know that I miss what I had with all of you. How genuine and real a friendship could be while working at Abercrombie or how we all grew up together in Secondary school. Or how we tried to live together for a year.

My life shouldn't have been the center of it all. And I should have never been so selfish or self centered.

is this too late?

When your two world comes crashing down, when your greatest fear becomes a reality - and somehow all you were doing was just asking for all this to happen. 

I thought I was happy last year. I felt like I was. It felt as though I had everything and nothing else mattered. Little did I know that my happy days were all taken for granted. I subconsciously hurt people around me and relied on everyone for help when I needed it, yet I took it for granted. I continuously fell sick even when B was there, clearly I took it for granted thinking that everytime I fell sick I had someone to look out for me. I cried for days and I continued to do the things that were clearly unhealthy simply because I felt like it was right. I don't have the best parents, but what other choice do I have when my parents are the only people that are supporting me. 

They can hurt me a thousand times, but who was there when I needed to be support when I was younger. I can't simply abandon them just because they hurt me this once. But you know how it feels like, it feels like you've zero strength of standing by yourself, it feels like you don't know whether you should be the mature one or be the one that continues to give in. I keep feeling like I should bother and I should forgive, i keep thinking that I should give them another chance. But how many more times am I going to be willing to get hurt over.

It feels like I don't even know what I want till I lose everything. I feel like i don't even know what's important to me anymore. I feel like this time round I have to walk away from everything I hold close. Maybe to even take a month off to get over all of this. Maybe that's what i have to do to get better. The fact that I almost lost my sanity when I pulled the knife out. That makes me feel utterly disgusting to know what I was capable of. I feel disgusted knowing that people knows my family is like that. I feel disgusted that I have such a family or the fact that my dad was capable of treating me in such a manner. 

I have never felt so sad in my life or feel like I don't know what I want. I don't even feel like going out or going to shop, I don't feel like going anywhere but somewhere to be by myself. I know I will miss it here by leaving everything like that. But I can't possibly find another way I can tell myself I will be happy. I'm tired. I am so tired of what I have been going though the past one year. I feel sick and tired of knowing that it's been one year and nothing has changed. I figured that i no longer need anyone to tell me eventually it will be okay because it will never be okay. I don't even know what to do to make anything okay anymore. I felt like I could fix things and give things time to heal, but what 's the point. I have to fix myself before I can even do anything else. 

It isn't about B and I, it's isn't about how he always eventually makes me feel better. Because I know this time round he can't, I know only I can make myself feel better otherwise whatever that I do or have now is not going to help. I just need to be by myself and think it through.

I am sorry to whoever I've hurt, relied on or took for granted in 2015 or the previous years. I'm not asking for forgiveness, but I just want you to know I am sorry. I can't give the excuse of me being hurt as well. But the way I treated any of you should have been utter crap. I placed my relationship as a huge priority because I felt as though no one else cared about my wellbeing and placed B responsible over my life subconsciously and that was never supposed to happen. I'm really sorry I've hurt people. Especially Shivy and B. 

Shivy I'm sorry I took you for granted and just left you in Singapore by simply flying to NZ on impulse. I'm sorry I allowed my boyfriend to replace the tier of bestfriend. I am sorry if I hurt you or used you in any manner. I'm sorry that I'm pushing you away from my life at this point of time or just going to NZ in a week's time. I'm sorry that I've been regarding you as someone that could be available to my life 24/7, I'm sorry that I completely took you for granted.

B, I'm sorry I held you responsible over me, I am sorry I made my entire world revolved around yours. I shouldn't have. All the more we aren't married or so, I'm sorry that I had myself completely rely on you and I'm sorry that it was because of me that your studies got pushed back. I'm sorry that I placed the importance of my family when you saw that all they were doing was things to hurt me. I understand if you dislike them, but I hope you understood that it was only because I felt like I was in the position that I had to be their daughter and be there for them all the more I was 7000miles away. I never meant to hurt you or upset you. 

It's time I tried to love myself alittle and be there for myself.