Pretty much all the time I would feel like a failure or someone bond to fail every single one/thing. It's scary to realize how my life seems to be revolving like day-by-day and clearly I'm not used to it. Every single day I'd think of what if I do this and this person gets upset; what if I fail my papers; what if I start hanging out with this person; what if I invest in something worth nothing. Doesn't it feel like the scariest thing ever. Somehow, I find myself back at the same spot everytime something drastic happens. I end up running back to my perplexed feeling of home but I know there's no home but hell in me. Today I asked myself, what if I was just... equally messed up as how I was before, what if the thought of the past comes back to haunt me all over again, what if I became nothing but vicious and plain deceiving to others, because I really really hate the thought of it. Come to think of it now, I feel as though I am losing it again. I'm not used to it, really.
I don't want to be messed up any longer, I dislike being such a hectic mess all the time. I don't like the feeling of not being good enough, I fear to fail you just because I won't be good enough. The thought where I'm just plain self absorbed and keep things to myself scares me. Was this who I have always been or was it just because of one small incident to everyone but seemed so big to me that made me like this. because trust seemed to be the easiest until you ruined it. Probably I'm crazy, well crazy's a usual term on myself, or maybe treating myself like this was the usual thing.
I don't want to live a sad life. I'm pretty much contented, but contented with what? Just because everyone assumes I get everything and probably anything means it's I live that perfect life? I wish.
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