everything with nothing.

this is eating my soul, it's going to eat up what I wanna post, but it would suck the life out of me even more.

well, i don't really know how to start.
but I know it's going to eat me up if I don't start somewhere.

-
Maybe I've high expectations, high enough to face disappointments all the time to be able to get used to being disappointed. I used to stop expecting because I liked the saying "expectations leads to disappointment, so why expect?" it was probably the only saying that could have me living in that spot where I stopped expecting anything from everyone because disappointment was all tragic disappointments. But subconsciously, I realize I expect alot out of someone whom means so much to me, but not everyone would be capable enough to meet my every expectations, they eventually grow tired of trying to and they give up and they leave.

They leave. They all leave.
As much as I want to believe that people wouldn't walk away, I think I found a better way to put it. Everyone you met now, are just people transiting in life, they would come and go - Temporary Friends. True? sounds better and much more legit to me.
Maybe it's just me, just me ruining everything that I once hold in my hands.


You want to know what's going on in my mind? here goes: 
I feel as though everything's coming back to me, but I feel as though everything that is coming back is making me lose everything that's in the current position of where it is. I am contented, contented and satisfied with everything I have now, but I feel like I'm in this whirl pool, where I don't know where the exit is or how I am going to get out of it, I feel as though I am going down again, where I don't have the strength to get back up again. I feel like I am going to disappear cause that significant feeling I used to feel is gone. I feel like everything I have is here but gone. I feel like I have everything back but because everything is back I am going to lose everything else that has came after everything was gone. I feel like I am so alone in all this crap that I don't know how to define. I feel so scared because I don't know what is going to happen next. I don't want to cry, I don't want a hug. I don't want any of you to ask me if I am okay. I don't want any one to give me sympathy. You know that feeling when Ming left me, yes that's what I am feeling now. I feel like someone's going to leave me, someone so important to me but I don't know who isit.
I really dont want to go through another whirlpool again, not this time. I'm not going to be ready for a second time, not now, not ever. Don't break me again, don't make me feel like I would have to go through another round of hell again. I don't want to, I'm not going to. 

tonight isn't my night.