not happiness.

they say happiness is a choice.
it's a matter of how you define it.
it's based on how you look at the context of it
it's what that matters most to me.

this afternoon, i was on the phone with a girlfriend that I haven't seen in the longest time, apparently - she was the only person the truth came out bluntly towards.
I almost broke myself like as though I was a glass bottle on someone else's hand, thrown down from the 24th floor. And all I could do to myself was stay in agony, bitterness and misery. I never knew what the term 'unhappy' was all about cause all I strive for would be happiness. Well I grew up knowing happiness was the key to living life.
Our conversation was the one that I've never had with anyone else. I told her the deepest thought within the first 25seconds of that phone call. I panicked. And within the next minute, I exclaimed saying "I am not happy".
I didn't know why I was so jittery, it was like, you finally realized that buying twenty pieces of dresses couldn't make you happy or getting 14 pairs of heels could bring you to the stage of what 'happiness' was.
i needed to breath, i needed to calm myself - cause i thought i was sprouting words that I didn't understand myself.  But even still, i got home realizing I wasn't happy, not even contented with what I had. Well, what do i have. Starting to realize that the key source of living my life was dying. I honestly don't know what to feel. Or in simpler terms, i don't know how to feel - it's like all these emotions are mixed in a spiral that's out of reach. I'm losing it.


Happiness - what makes you happy. cause superficial isn't ringing down that tone any longer.