pretty girl

I always ask myself, "am I pretty?" and it's okay if I know I'm not, it's okay if I can feel like I ain't pretty at all. I wish I was, definitely. But it hits you only when you start wondering to yourself "am I pretty, enough for him?". And it haunts you, it makes you feel like crap, it makes you think as though you don't know if you are good enough or not, pretty enough or not. 

He tells me my size doesn't matter. 
but it does. It matters alot. I tried to brush the fact that I gained a good 15kg from the moment I met him, and I don't blame him for that 15kg, simply because I was too comfortable that 15kg felt okay. I used to be scared, come on, I worked in A&F, and it's a fact that size did matter. Working there already made me feel like the biggest sized person in the store, and that was okay, it was easy to lose that amount of weight when people around you are all size 2. It was never okay to be a size 4.
The moment I saw a layer of fats sticking out of my waist when I wore that size 2 jeans, I freaked out.

I knew I wasn't size 2, I knew my jeans size was not going to be 27 anymore, Yes I freaked out.

Here's the triggering point.

I met him when I was size 2, yes B says it doesn't matter, and I try to not let it matter. I mean, I used to be that size (the one in my layout photo). Well, it was horrid, the way I lost that amount of weight was tragic and really unhealthy. I was definitely psychotic, obsessed over my weight and running through the syndrome of low self esteem. That's when I met B, while I was still obsessed but definitely better.

and after being in new zealand for the longest period, I feel like utter crap.
i feel like i ain't good enough and I hate looking at the mirror.
i hate feeling like the biggest person around and I hate looking like this. It makes you feel like you hate yourself so much because of the way you look and it's horrid to look at the mirror.
I would wonder, if you can look at the mirror of yourself that way, what would others think, what would he feel, and what would he think. 
I feel like utter crap

It's disgusting, I feel disgusting.