faith

"Are we okay?"
"I don't know" 

It feels like a drought. I feel like I am oblivion to my surroundings. I feel like I'm about to snap but what is the use for snapping.

1 year ago, I fell in love with this guy, a complete stranger. I sat down and had coffee for a good 6 hours and even shifted all my plans for him, and from then on - I had my eyes on him. He was charming, especially with his words. So charismatic and had the right tinge of humor in him. Well, soon after his humor got the better of me, his jokes turned into rough thorns, and me being me, I would think about what his jokes were about and think thoroughly if they were what he really felt, but sometimes jokes don't sound like jokes. I had fun. I was never this happy. I have never been happier through my one year with him. Six months before I moved to NZ, it was definitely still our "honeymoon period" according to everybody, and I never regretted a single day being with him. He, was definitely the guy that made me at my happiest, and I love him.

I have lived with him for 6 months now, and I haven't regretted a day.
Moving here was definitely a big change in our relationship and I wouldn't deny that I moved here not knowing what would happen and only knowing that stranger for six months. Six months and now we are living together, strange but amazing. I liked to be different from the norm, so to me, maybe it was okay to move out, to live with my boyfriend. All the more, my parents were going through that divorce, I was part of the whole mess and I couldn't have been able to swallow and walk away without feeling like crap.

Honestly if you asked me why I moved here, I would say cause I was clingy. I knew that I was going to be different when the divorce blew up in my face, when my parents were both losing it, I was slowly losing my sanity at the same time. I couldn't be home. All I wanted to do was have Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays just to party away to not feel a thing and just skip reality for abit. I knew I was going to be different but I didn't want to be that girl. I had a responsibility, I was someone's girlfriend and I couldn't let lose like that. I didn't want to be that girl, I didn't want to allow myself to be someone I hated, but to me, that was my only route to feeling normal.

When B left, all I did was coped in my room, go for late night suppers or even to party all day without caring about anyone's feelings.

I was selfish I admit that.

And upon that selfish mindset, I decided instead of losing myself, why not keep it but keep it far away from here. So this is why I moved to NZ. I wanted to study, and I did. I wanted to be as far as I could from my family, and I did as well. I just wanted to keep being myself without losing it - and maybe I was too selfish for doing so.

I was tired of my family, all that drama and I hated myself for being involved. I just couldn't love myself anymore, cause I was blamed to let all this happen. If I knew he was coming to Singapore, I should have said something, I should have done something, when I guessed my mom had an affair, I should have did something there instead of allowing things to go on. I hated knowing. I hated them. I hated myself.

And I was alright before all that happened.

I was that girl, the one that could do all things on her own, quiet, and independent. I made sure I did not rely on anyone, not even my boyfriend. I probably had a handful of friends and alot of acquaintance. I could watch a movie alone, go shopping all by myself or sit in a fine dining restaurant just by myself, and it was perfectly fine. I'm that girl that gets socially drained and stop being herself when she's tired. I can't keep up and out with a number of friends 7 days a week and have only 4 hours to be myself. I need my space and I need to recharge to process what my friends said in that particular day or lunch.

I moved here.

And I started accepting what  I did, and loved myself, I became household independent and I started being less of a brat because I was on my own. I thought I became better, more independent domestically and I was happier. All I know, I was very happy, the only thing that brought me down was I knew I needed my socializing life back even though I hated to socialize. I knew I couldn't completely rely on B and I knew that I needed friends, the only problem was I didn't know how to make any. So B was technically, my only friend here. It gets lonely, definitely, I don't get to turn to anyone when I make a mess in my relationship and I am actually forced to sit and think about the next option other than relying for a given option.

We used to fight. And now we fight, maybe we don't fight, we talk. We talk rather seriously that actually becomes really scary. I get scared.

Two nights ago, we had a fight, like  I said, our fights are mere talking, just really serious without the screaming and shouting but alot of crying.

I found out that B saw different personalities in me in Singapore, and that made him think through about who I was. I asked myself the very same day that, and I knew who I was, I just went back to being that brat in Singapore, and I had no idea why. I could blame the weather because it got the better of me, but I'm the only one to blame. I did feel horrible for acting like that, and I didn't know what exactly I was doing, merely. acting. like a brat. And that's not me.

I would do whatever just to have my relationship to scroll right back up, I would do whatever just to keep you by my side. And I know I do get annoying, clingy and most of the time selfish. I snatch your blanket and steal your bathrobes. I act like a kid and get really lazy, but we're both humans, we get lazy and we do get irritating, maybe just me. I want to be the best girlfriend, or rather, I try to be. The only thing that creeps onto my skin is fear, I fear I would lose you one day and I'm not ready for that. I know I do think of our relationship really deep into the future, but I can't help it, I would stop because things only last in the moment, you never know what the future holds.


I'm just that girl that's really into you.

unraveled perception

Sometimes what you think isn't what it is supposed to be, or rather, what you thought shouldn't have been a thought in the first place. I ask myself very frequently, "am I okay?", it's like.... a self check to my weekly self. I need to know I am okay to continue on otherwise I would suffer a mental breakdown half way through the week and just sob on the pillow for an undeserving reason.

I have always been that girl the girl that gets everything going just the way she wants it to go. The girl that was never beaten down hard because of words. I move along with the world, I always believed that if this method doesn't work, try another otherwise if it's too much of a dread, give up and pick a new game to play. And the only time when I lose it all is when I start feeling like it's all my fault, and I'm doing it all wrong. 

I used to be that girl, the one with dreams and goals, to travel the world. That girl that needed her space to zone out and being by myself was the best thing in the world. Well, I shopped along, watch a movie by myself, have dinner/lunch/hightea all alone. I could do without relying on anyone because people fail you eventually. And I kinda miss that life, the one where I felt like I did not need to bring my phone out and just be by myself. I was that girl the one that thought freedom was the most important aspect in life, and there was nothing weird when I didn't have company. I mean, I was completely fine about it. 

I was that girl that believed that friends were the come and go type, there wasn't one to stay and that was why I never bothered keeping in touch or keeping close till I found something meaningful in that friendship. I dread being the first to make conversations and I hate being alone in class yet I contradict myself because I dread making friends. And I still am that girl.

I am that girl that needs her space, but when someone comes really close to me, I would be reliant on that person, I'm that girl whom never ever stands up for herself when something goes wrong, I am that girl that would never shout at you because of the OCDs I have and I would never tell you if I hate you doing something. I'm the girl that cries occasionally because I can feel my heart being pulled out when you say something that could possibly hurt me.

 I'm not your idealistic girl, I'm not someone you want to come close to, I'm filled with danger but so little risk being with. I'm not the girl you could be friends with and think that your jokes don't make me run away, but here's the thing, the scariest thing about me, I wouldn't say a word about what you've done, but if you pushed me to my limit, I would turn away so silently that you would have never expected. I could be your sweetest dream, or possibly the meanest bitch.

I became that girl that knows what I deserve and if I deserve better. 

Have you ever felt like you're the one putting all that effort

Yet you feel like giving up on all of it

Because you were too tired 

Too tired