unraveled perception

Sometimes what you think isn't what it is supposed to be, or rather, what you thought shouldn't have been a thought in the first place. I ask myself very frequently, "am I okay?", it's like.... a self check to my weekly self. I need to know I am okay to continue on otherwise I would suffer a mental breakdown half way through the week and just sob on the pillow for an undeserving reason.

I have always been that girl the girl that gets everything going just the way she wants it to go. The girl that was never beaten down hard because of words. I move along with the world, I always believed that if this method doesn't work, try another otherwise if it's too much of a dread, give up and pick a new game to play. And the only time when I lose it all is when I start feeling like it's all my fault, and I'm doing it all wrong. 

I used to be that girl, the one with dreams and goals, to travel the world. That girl that needed her space to zone out and being by myself was the best thing in the world. Well, I shopped along, watch a movie by myself, have dinner/lunch/hightea all alone. I could do without relying on anyone because people fail you eventually. And I kinda miss that life, the one where I felt like I did not need to bring my phone out and just be by myself. I was that girl the one that thought freedom was the most important aspect in life, and there was nothing weird when I didn't have company. I mean, I was completely fine about it. 

I was that girl that believed that friends were the come and go type, there wasn't one to stay and that was why I never bothered keeping in touch or keeping close till I found something meaningful in that friendship. I dread being the first to make conversations and I hate being alone in class yet I contradict myself because I dread making friends. And I still am that girl.

I am that girl that needs her space, but when someone comes really close to me, I would be reliant on that person, I'm that girl whom never ever stands up for herself when something goes wrong, I am that girl that would never shout at you because of the OCDs I have and I would never tell you if I hate you doing something. I'm the girl that cries occasionally because I can feel my heart being pulled out when you say something that could possibly hurt me.

 I'm not your idealistic girl, I'm not someone you want to come close to, I'm filled with danger but so little risk being with. I'm not the girl you could be friends with and think that your jokes don't make me run away, but here's the thing, the scariest thing about me, I wouldn't say a word about what you've done, but if you pushed me to my limit, I would turn away so silently that you would have never expected. I could be your sweetest dream, or possibly the meanest bitch.

I became that girl that knows what I deserve and if I deserve better.