2018

2018 - it definitely wasn't easy. Maybe even, the worst. 

How do I even begin. I guess the two thankful things that might have happened would be I graduated, and  I got a job with a really lovely team. 

It's been hard, it's been so hard. One filled with procrastination, hatred, and fear. I been so reluctant to look back into 2018 just because of how disgusting it has been for me, but it this bad karma, or is this just bad faith turned wrong?

It started off fine, but here's that timeline of how things went south real quick -
V left, she went off to the south and started her job earlier before the year even started which was the biggest bum.
In March, the one person I could trust my life to in New Zealand ruined me. He stripped away every bit of faith I had in humanity.
April, I was intoxicated, I was constantly on alcohol, drugs, and I was about to quit my last lap of university.
May, I got my stomach pumped over and over again - i turned suicidal and I was at my worst.
June, I decided to move back to New Zealand because I wasn't ready to face my demons in Singapore just yet. I couldn't see my mentor anymore just because i was no longer a student.
July, I fell so ill I needed a surgery - had 9 holes on my upper thigh and was at one of the lowest points in my life.
August, I broke up with my 4 years boyfriend, Brian. and got new a puppy called Peanut. 
September, I fell out with a really close friend because I decided to move out into V's place - but maybe that was for the better as well. then I got Pretzel and Bagel.
October, I decided to move back home. I came home to face my demons, but it just got worst. Family wasn't there anymore.
November, I got a job, I thought things were maybe getting better..
December, Peanut passed away from a hit and run. Saw how disgusting Singaporeans could be on social media and lost faith in everything.

This is a glimpse of 2018.
And today, I am out of my wits, I'm at the end.
I'm so desperate for help,
but I have no idea what else I can do.

why

Everything is coming to an end - either it's me running out of patience or I'm just tired of the usual routine of life.
Maybe it's time for my break, it''s time for me to learn to love myself and figure what's good for me. It's time I figure out what I am going to do next and how I am gonna get there. It's time I solely think about myself and only me. I should stop worrying about everyone and what they want.

At this stage in life, I think I have the capacity to only love myself and Donut. I don't think I can deal with another let down.

I don't think I've ever felt like that.
I think I've aupressdd myself long enough. I think I'm about to collapse and just cry. For the first time in a long time, i have finally let myself feel what's being sad all about. I can finally feel what's like to lose a parent. The feeling of losing someone you used to love and adore. I've seen the transition of my life in the last two years, I've seen how everyone changed within two years and it's sad to say but I no longer recognize them. I no longer recognize the people I used to love or the ones that used to care so much about me.

I don't think there's anything worst than destroying someone's dignity. I don't think there's anything worst than losing that flesh attached to your body. I used to say it's okay, she's happy. But so what if she's happy. When she's happy but everyone else isn't, when her happiness destroyed everything. But on my part, it's selfish to want her back even though everything will never be the same. The last two years has been hell. The numerous attempts of suicide and people getting hurts. Is this what the process of happiness has to be? For the first time in the two years I'm celebrating Chinese New Year in Singapore, and it feels odd, knowing that I am not gonna spend it with my entire family. But what's family.

It's all these feelings that surrounds me and I'm not entirely sure what I should do. It's me feeling lost and broken yet I'm not supposed to show it. It's me telling the whole world I'm okay just because I need to be.

I don't even know what's going on,
I don't know what's wrong with me blabbering here and having so much feelings in me.

It's like a mix feeling of everything
maybe I'm just filled with a lump of confusion over my head
When you finally realise you don't know who to trust, and who to talk to.
When you finally realise you have lost everyone
And you've nothing left.


So many contradictions, so many judgement. Tell me. Have you ever judged me because of what I am or who I am. Because I have a family that's so broke or because I'm the 'princess' of the family that get what I want. Tell me, have you judged me? I feel like, I should finally stop thinking about everyone else because all I hear is lies and more lies. I feel like I been so tangible and everyone around me was merely spinning and playing with what was in my head. Doesn't it feel utterly horrible when you finally realised that you been played.


For once,  I feel really sad. So sad to the point that I don't really know what to do. I don't know who I can talk to and who I should turn to. I feel like everyone I have once trusted, all played me out. This time, I am trying to figure if you should even hold afew close ones when the closest one has turned their back on you. Well, they never turned away, they simply twisted their words, kinda smart I reckon.


I feel like I lost everything important to me. I am just.. feeling so much.
I realised how much I've bottled up for so long just to prevent judgement from one person to another, and I realised I can't do this any longer. I realised all I do is turn to my bed and cry, and you get up and tell yourself 'you will make it' and you turn happy, and the cycle repeats.


It just hurts, it hurts a lot. To know what your friends are treating you as and how people turn to you. It hurts, really. it hurts to know that you don't even know if the ones closest to you actually love you.


Honestly, I don't know if you love me anymore, I don't know what exactly 'love' should represent. I don't know how one should love another person. I thought love was acceptance, trust and no judgement, but I guess I was wrong. And I guess that's not how everyone loves.

no excuses.

Writing frees my emotions. I get to sit silently and think through what has been on my mind.
Rage. That's the word. I been filled with rage, hatred and so much more. I hated all that has been happening to me. I felt like my life was over, disturbed and humiliated.

I have never felt like my dignity was ripped off my soul till that one night, and today, i'm still learning to forgive. I'm trying to not have the world hate my parents as much as I hate them. Yes they did something wrong, but for 21 years, I did despise them, they were never the idea parents. And if you are from a home that's perfect, strict parents and what so. Be thankful. I cried for days. I isolated myself for days and I didn't eat, sleep or shop. I'd say I'm proud of myself for not shopping, but I'm certainly not proud at the way I took a knife against my dad. I'm not proud of how I acted or screamed fuck you at him.

I don't hate him, I hate his actions.
People around me hear what they do, they hear what happen and they listen. They know what my parents do to me and how I suffered not-so-silently. If you knew me years ago, my rage was simply about how my parents never loved me and money was the center of my family.
Indeed, you can say I'm rich or spoilt, I won't deny. I know I've been a brat since awhile back. But shopping was my way of happiness. Everything I had was temporary and i knew it. I was told that one day all that I have will be gone. I never believed it.

Never did I believe one day I'd have lost everything. I never thought that it would have been me. I thought I was daddy's princess till the day it all came crashing down. I held it in for 1 year and more, I kept quiet and I cried only to one person. I hated how they were treating me. I hated how I could get calls and get told "don't ever come home, I never want to see you again". I was hurt. Devastated. I mean, which parent in the right mind would tell their child that.
The blow got even bigger when I was back in Singapore. I was told that he's doing all that to me simply because I'm the only thing valuable enough for him to hurt. Cause when he hurts me, he will hut her.

I tried to take it in, but deep down. I know I feel sad. I feel horrified of my own home and I feel scared. I feel like I'm all alone and I don't have a space to breath. I felt like every inch of happiness was stolen away from me and I'm sucked into this compress world. I feel like I did lose everything and it was all taken away from me within the next moment.

It's true. I took everything for granted. My life was..... everything. I had a really great boyfriend, I could shop and not have a limit to it, I had friends that I slowly let go cause I couldn't give a fuck about maintaining a friendship. I said I hated making friends, but when I made the closest friends, I let them go within a month. I hurt people around me last year. I failed them and broke their trust in me. I am sorry friends, family and even boyfriend. I am sorry for hurting or taking any of you for granted. I was never in the position to take you all for granted. I never had any intention hurting or being a bitch around you. I never meant to make our friendship "me". I talked all day about myself and what was bothering me. I never listened and I was never there when you guys needed me.

This goes out to all of you.
I am sorry. And maybe it's too late for me to say sorry, but do know that I miss what I had with all of you. How genuine and real a friendship could be while working at Abercrombie or how we all grew up together in Secondary school. Or how we tried to live together for a year.

My life shouldn't have been the center of it all. And I should have never been so selfish or self centered.

is this too late?

When your two world comes crashing down, when your greatest fear becomes a reality - and somehow all you were doing was just asking for all this to happen. 

I thought I was happy last year. I felt like I was. It felt as though I had everything and nothing else mattered. Little did I know that my happy days were all taken for granted. I subconsciously hurt people around me and relied on everyone for help when I needed it, yet I took it for granted. I continuously fell sick even when B was there, clearly I took it for granted thinking that everytime I fell sick I had someone to look out for me. I cried for days and I continued to do the things that were clearly unhealthy simply because I felt like it was right. I don't have the best parents, but what other choice do I have when my parents are the only people that are supporting me. 

They can hurt me a thousand times, but who was there when I needed to be support when I was younger. I can't simply abandon them just because they hurt me this once. But you know how it feels like, it feels like you've zero strength of standing by yourself, it feels like you don't know whether you should be the mature one or be the one that continues to give in. I keep feeling like I should bother and I should forgive, i keep thinking that I should give them another chance. But how many more times am I going to be willing to get hurt over.

It feels like I don't even know what I want till I lose everything. I feel like i don't even know what's important to me anymore. I feel like this time round I have to walk away from everything I hold close. Maybe to even take a month off to get over all of this. Maybe that's what i have to do to get better. The fact that I almost lost my sanity when I pulled the knife out. That makes me feel utterly disgusting to know what I was capable of. I feel disgusted knowing that people knows my family is like that. I feel disgusted that I have such a family or the fact that my dad was capable of treating me in such a manner. 

I have never felt so sad in my life or feel like I don't know what I want. I don't even feel like going out or going to shop, I don't feel like going anywhere but somewhere to be by myself. I know I will miss it here by leaving everything like that. But I can't possibly find another way I can tell myself I will be happy. I'm tired. I am so tired of what I have been going though the past one year. I feel sick and tired of knowing that it's been one year and nothing has changed. I figured that i no longer need anyone to tell me eventually it will be okay because it will never be okay. I don't even know what to do to make anything okay anymore. I felt like I could fix things and give things time to heal, but what 's the point. I have to fix myself before I can even do anything else. 

It isn't about B and I, it's isn't about how he always eventually makes me feel better. Because I know this time round he can't, I know only I can make myself feel better otherwise whatever that I do or have now is not going to help. I just need to be by myself and think it through.

I am sorry to whoever I've hurt, relied on or took for granted in 2015 or the previous years. I'm not asking for forgiveness, but I just want you to know I am sorry. I can't give the excuse of me being hurt as well. But the way I treated any of you should have been utter crap. I placed my relationship as a huge priority because I felt as though no one else cared about my wellbeing and placed B responsible over my life subconsciously and that was never supposed to happen. I'm really sorry I've hurt people. Especially Shivy and B. 

Shivy I'm sorry I took you for granted and just left you in Singapore by simply flying to NZ on impulse. I'm sorry I allowed my boyfriend to replace the tier of bestfriend. I am sorry if I hurt you or used you in any manner. I'm sorry that I'm pushing you away from my life at this point of time or just going to NZ in a week's time. I'm sorry that I've been regarding you as someone that could be available to my life 24/7, I'm sorry that I completely took you for granted.

B, I'm sorry I held you responsible over me, I am sorry I made my entire world revolved around yours. I shouldn't have. All the more we aren't married or so, I'm sorry that I had myself completely rely on you and I'm sorry that it was because of me that your studies got pushed back. I'm sorry that I placed the importance of my family when you saw that all they were doing was things to hurt me. I understand if you dislike them, but I hope you understood that it was only because I felt like I was in the position that I had to be their daughter and be there for them all the more I was 7000miles away. I never meant to hurt you or upset you. 

It's time I tried to love myself alittle and be there for myself. 

Change

I lost everything and the last thing I need now is to lose you.
2015 wasn't that great, I lost every bit of independency and adapted to clinging on to you. I forgot the importance of having personal space and left you there to see me in every broken way. Well, I thought we were happy, no doubt. I like my life back in 2015, I didn't need to bother about what was going to happen at home and shifted my priorities because I felt like things at home was considered a norm. I cried once in awhile when they called, and had you on the spot. I became vulnerable and weak and relied so much on you.

I told you this year would be different. At the point when I told you it was going to be, I honestly didn't know what to expect or how it was actually going to be different, my main motive was solely to stay with you and be by you.
But I finally figured it out. I figured that I could not have my happiness solely relying on you the moment I figured my family was gone. I had to love myself enough to be independent. Moving out wasn't about whether I could take care of myself because I know I'm capable of doing so, it was only because I hated being alone, I hate the dark and I fear many things. I say 2016 would be different because I'm going to stand up for the right things, I'm going to stand firm on my belief and know that i deserve to be treated better by others. I can't possibly live in my own comfort and be afraid if every human was going to hurt me. I need friends that I can rely on and people that would make me feel happy. I needed to make sure I ate and didn't fall sick so often or rather, simply taking care of my health the moment j know I was going to fall. I've health issues and my immune system may be the lousiest. I get lonely and I fear being alone.
I say I'll give you your space and I mean it. Giving your space being I would be quiet when you want me to, I'd create a group of friends and be by them when I can so I don't spend every bit of air around you. I want you to gain that space and I want the spark to reunite in us. I really want things to work out and we need to learn how to appreciate and support each other in the most compromising manner. I love you B, and I'm sorry I threw so many break up talk this year. I think that's what happens when I get scared and jittery, and that's something I'm gonna change too. 2016, I need to fix and love myself more.
I'm sorry for what I've done and for not respecting you and your decisions so far. 

Please tell me you will work things out with me and be by me my toughest decision now. 

one

Some days, you would feel like you have no friends
No one to talk to.
And when all that disappointments come rushing in.
Your entire world or system would feel like is falling right in front of your eyes
And you can't do anything about it.

Pathetic isn't it

endings.

don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me, I said you're holding back, he said shut up and dance with me. 

So, 2015's ending. It's been a bittersweet year, filled with plenty of discoveries and laughter.

Let's start from the top.
I moved 5675miles away from home.
Honestly,  I started the year rough. Hoping that whatever that I was going through was about to end while I was here. Basically, my mom and dad are both unfaithful people and they aren't the best parents. If you have known me long enough, I always had a dream to study abroad, simply because I hated the education system in Singapore and I hated how I was viewed as the kid that might have never went into university, so I wanted to prove everyone I knew wrong. And here I am today.

First of all, I met an amazing guy last year, he inspired me to be so much more than I am. He taught me how to be a better person and showed me that I was able to be more that what I perceived myself to be. I didn't know if my relationship was gonna work out with him last year, honestly. I was just foolishly in love with this guy that was treating me really well even though I felt like I didn't deserve all of that. Through the end of the year, he got in university - we were parting ways. A part of me didn't believe my relationship would have worked because I knew I would have needed him next to me, physically. I needed him because I was mentally breaking down when my family was turning into dust right infront of my eyes. I needed my escape route, and going to Melbourne was a definite no from my parents because I was the only daughter and safety was key to my parents even if they were both messed up, so they felt safe only if I had someone looking out for me.... so a chance to study abroad + not going through ldr + escape route: it felt like one of the best decisions of my life.

But sometimes, I feel like this decision that I made was one of the most selfish thing that I have decided, because I left my two younger brother alone in that mess, especially Sean.

Months went by, and through it all - i realized that being by yourself makes you learn so much about yourself. I finally figured what I want in my relationship, what I want in my life, and how I want things to be done. I figured what type of person I was, and you learn to become you because there's no one else to follow or impress. I get to be myself and I finally get to breath.

I realized that I am not as independent as I think I am. I am very emotional. I get hurt very easily just because I'm very sensitive to things that people say. I say sorry even if I feel like I'm not in the wrong. I give in and suck it up to people I care about. I forgive people but I may never treat them the same. I believe that having no intention to hurt is not true. I think that secrets kills relationships. I hold some of my beliefs strongly because my parents have shown me alot. I realized that I'm not as simple as I think I am. I believe that I'm very spoiled and I like being pampered once in awhile.
And the list goes on.

But hey, i stepped out of my comfort zone this year and I'm proud of myself. For those who said I could never live without my parents, I did it. I managed to cook my own food, wash the toilet, vacuum the floor, wash the dishes, do the laundry, fold the clothes, pack the house, do my own groceries. I'm not that spoiled..... to a certain extend. But one big take away, I don't need to prove myself to anyone or to make anyone proud of me, because so long as I know I did it, I'm contented. I know that from other people's eyes, I may always be the little girl, the emotional wrack, the timid one, or even the princess; but I know I did what I never thought I was able to do 5 year ago, or even 1 year ago. I'm doing things that I may have never thought possible.

yes, there were days where I could feel like shit, I felt like things were tough and life was just crap and I could quit university and go find some job that pleases me. On the other hand, I have parents and family to worry about. Living here isn't all that fun when your home is all broken and you have more to worry about. Sometimes, it gets scary, it gets really tough and I do always break down. There is no one time where I don't throw my phone onto the ground or cry after having a conversation with my parents. Afterall, they are the one supporting me through university, and they brought me up. Even though one or the other has done wrong, I can't possibly leave any. I can't pick sides even though they are wrong. I love them both even though there are days that makes me hate them so much. Maybe I do, I just hate their actions. I can honestly say I'm scared to go back home. I'm scared to get pulled into all that drama. I wouldn't know what to do because it feels really scary. People can giving me millions of solutions but that's not what I need, because you won't ever understand what I've been through in the years, and you can't tell me you know how it feels because you know nothing at all. I've always wanted my family to be important to me but it feels like one of the hardest thing to keep close to my heart because it feels like a knife stabbing through when you constantly pull it closer and closer.

this is the part where I thank B, thank you for being by my side through this year, for taking me to the hospital, or having sleepless nights whenever I fall sick and calming me down when I have a panic attack. Thank you for being there for me even though you think that relationships are non reciprocal. I'm happy. I've been a very happy girl since the day I met you, and I'm really glad that you've been holding on to me till today. This year was definitely hard, where we realized that we may have wanted different things, but I'm thankful we pulled through those days. I'm thankful that you tolerated with me and been with me since. Even though there are days that I feel like maybe I should strangle you and I have every right to be angry, somehow you always... perk me up all over again whenever you make me mad.


I'm happy, yet.... well, bittersweet.

thank you 2015.  

state of.....

I'm not mad. Maybe I am beyond mad.
I don't really know what to feel.
I feel lost. I feel unsettled.
I feel like I just ripped the tangibility of trust out of myself.

I say I forgive you, and I do sincerely want to do that. Maybe I just need alittle bit of time, to process what happened and how it all happened.
I hated that all this happened. and I summed it in my head, maybe the only reason why it hurts so much is because I been lied to my entire life, I have relationships that I seen broken down because of lies. I have clear view of my parents lying and see how something gets broken down. I know what lying feels like. And to answer you, I have never ever looked you into the eye and lied to you. If you figured the truth I admit it. But......... hey you didn't. I don't care why you did it, I don't care what the lie was about. I don't fucking care who the best interest was. I care that you lied, you lied to my face.
And I honestly hate you for that, cause you really hurt me this time round. One thing I never thought you would have done because you claimed it was in 'your values'. i can't look you in the face and tell you, I will not doubt anything you say to be ever again. Because fact is, I will doubt. I will think that there might be a possibility that you have the ability to do so. Because hey, you managed to do it, and I congratulate you for having me to believe whatever you said. I know the lie was not big of a deal. But. This is what you capable of.

Maybe I am naive, gullible and stupid. But I do know what it feels like to hurt. And this time, I don't know how to look at you and tell you I would look past this. I don't know how to not cry thinking about it. I feel like utter shit. I feel like crap that you did this. Honestly, I am disappointed in you, and I am even more disappointed in myself for believing that you would never have done this.

detox

Writing to me - is like a sense of detox. I need to get it out of my soul. it clings onto my soul, filled with hatred and disgust. I have two people in this world that I hate - someone that stabs you in the back and someone that looks in you the eye lies to you.

I did an essay about lying in a psychological paper once, figuring if lying was good or bad, whether it was healthy or not. And no, I am not gonna make a big deal of whether my bf did lie to me ever or not. I admit, I been lied to countless of times, I been stabbed in the back for being a bitch so much that I can't even count with my fingers. I haven't been the nicest girl, but I try to be.
you cross my line, i swear, you would pay.

so, i don't care if this goes public or not, but here goes: i had a fucking a friend. i never liked his character, i thought he was the sort of person that needed alittle filtering in his mind before he talked. I felt like he hurt people unintentionally because he didn't know what was crossing the line. His jokes, were the worst, he made things sound so real they could have actually made doubts in your mind and felt a tinge of hatred here and there. Soon, I realized I wasn't the only one that felt like his words were nasty, I felt like he only thought about himself and not others. I felt like, he looked out for himself and saw interest only for himself. pratically, i thought he was fucking self-centered and I never liked him since.
oh btw, I am that girl that is nice to you, but if you cross a single line, I would put you in a state of hell.
see, I was nice. I tried to be. come on, he was my boyfriend's friend, close friend rather - utterly, extremely, really, close. I couldn't do anything. I hated him but i had to like him. At first, it wasn't pretend, I did sincerely treat him as a friend, but when I started suspecting something was up, my instinct told me he was the first to point my fingers to.
Come on, I have the right to be angry here.
I never, ever, fought with my boyfriend over trust. I know when b hides something from me, or when he is lying, Firstly, my boyfriend never, ever, shuns his phone away from me, and when I saw your name was the one who popped up, first instinct - something was up with you. I didn't ask, to the point where I realized he wasn't just hiding your name, he was hiding his financials from me. That was the breaking point, where he started shunning his phone away form me whenever I peeped through. That was not okay. My boyfriend never hid anything from me and it was not okay that he was doing so. Thus, I forced the truth out of him, I tried to investigate in my own head was was going on and summed up the things that he was doing and made a conclusion out of it. I knew what was up, and I confronted b about it. I demanded for the truth, but when he said I was over-reacting, and when we fought, he acted like it was non of my concern. Fair enough, none of my concern? for goodness sake, i am your fucking girlfriend, what can be non of my concern when it does concern you. I mean, who hides things from their girlfriends. Fine, you had your reasons b, i dropped matters. But when I asked the last time, and asked for the truth with you looking into my eye. You said none of my speculations were true. And I gave in, I said Okay and I gave up pursuing it.

Today.
I found out every single truth and honestly. I am mad at you, B. how you are so fucking capable of lying to me, even when you looked into my eyes. It's not a matter of what the lie was about this time. or why you lied. but the point is, you could look into my eyes and tell me you did not do it. You lied straight to my face and I could tell you a million times how much it hurts when someone lies to you.
I have every right to be mad, for the fact that you lied.
but here's the thing that makes me wanna kill your friend, the thing that wants to make me hate your friend so much.

dear xx,
he fucking lied to me to protect you. protect you from me knowing the truth about you. I don't know why my boyfriend said 'knowing me' i would have gave you faces and weird looks. if that reason was legit, if there was some problem somewhere on your side, then why would have gave looks. It's embarassing to get help from someone? fair enough, but why, why ask him to ensure that I would never know. Isn't it more embarrassing that you made us have a week of endless fight and speculations. I was filled with insecurities for two fucking weeks because I didn't know what my boyfriend was hiding from me. and now i find out that it was all because of you. That's not it you know, you fucking lied to my boyfriend, you gave him a shit reason to help you out, and I couldn't know he helped you out? wow, what's more fucked up about you. I don't know what to feel because I can't stand the way you have hurt b, but I can't even stand the fact that you taught him to not tell me the truth because what, protecting your identity than me feeling insecure? what the fuck is wrong with you. i don't even know what to say to you. I feel ashamed to even know you, i don't know who else was cahoots in this shit. but, you? lying to your fucking girlfriend as well? what is wrong with you. if you had the guts to do it, why not admit it. if you genuinely needed help, seek some rather than lying about your fucking problem and seeking all the help out from pity from a secondary source. I hate you so much. I fucking hate you. I'm filled with utter hatred because of you. I hate how you made b believe your fucking story for some sort of help. I hate how you told him to not tell me what was going on.

i can't believe i ever regarded you as a friend and  tried to even look the other way just because you and b are close, i can't believe you're such a sucker and such an asshole. you know what, you literally taught me that some people are not who they perceive to be. they are fucking monsters, genius monsters infact, much disguise, much disgust. you are a fucked up person and I sincerely wish, i have nothing to do with you ever again.


you know what, it hurts being lied to. It hurts even more to know that the person that lied to you was someone that would have never done it. someone that was so dear to you. but it hurts even more knowing that what was being lied about, was lied to as well. i honestly don't know what to feel, the funny thing is, i don't feel so much towards b, maybe because I do understand his situation, but it just sucks knowing that you were capable of looking me in the eye and still lie to me.  

normative

password

Tonight.

I realized that I'm actually really sad.
I realized that I don't have a family.
I realized that nothing will ever be the same

little wanderlust

that urge to do something, well - I made my little bucketlist that I hope I'd one day accomplish. 

I've never been much of a dare devil, first up, I hate heights so someone like me would never do anything that involves jumping from a plane or a cliff. I would probably have a heart failure if I do so though.

I've always wanted to see the world, thus that Singapore Girl dream came alive. I have always longed to open the wanderlust doors within me, but now i'm in Uni, and maybe after I graduate I would try once or twice again, but I know I'm going to see the world before I ever settle down.

Kids are gonna be a burden and I wanna see snow before anything happens. So, I know it's a selfish mindset, but..... what better way to see the world first than to do it after graduation and before settling down. I mean, yes it's selfish but, the thing is if you really like that place, you could add it to the "family trippin' list" otherwise, cross it out.

Well, that's my plan. and with that dream, a large pay check has to come through first. I've that wish to have my passport stamped with all sorts of country stamped onto it though.

Eating the freshest Sashimi in Japan, Visiting Niagara falls in Canada, Shopping till your drop at New York, Smelling the freshest baguette in France, Sitting on the red London bus, Imagine seeing the northern lights in Norway. Well that's my goal.

lets talk about. Me.

Be nice to others, even if they aren't nice to you. 

I think 2k15 has taught me a whole bunch of things, and now we are nearing the end of the year. I'm even planning my 21st birthday!!!!!!!

I like the happy things in life. I could spend hours in an orphanage or talk go to a hospice and spend my birthday there. Actually that would sound ideal. I used to like doing things like that whenever I felt lonely. I felt like socializing was never important in my life, my friends could have easily been an elderly in an old folks home or a orphan kid, or even a dying kid..... yea. That would have been fun. I think that makes me really happy. When I know I've done something in my life to have impact yours. Flowers and chocolates doesn't beat that happiness. It's a different kind of happy that I'm willing to do and I kinda miss doing it back in Singapore.

Well, Singapore....... I'm going back soon! Afew weeks more and it's home. 2015 hasn't been the easiest. Even if people say "erm, but you stay with your boyfriend you're literally living the life". nah - I don't think I've been living my life, I think I kinda jumped onto the clingy boat when I came here. No doubt it's been a big joy, but we do get fights and we aren't labeled an ordinary couple anymore I guess. It's odd yet it's really fun. I've never regretted a day I moved here. Maybe I did, once or twice when we jump into huge huge fights, but I think what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I hope.

It's been tough living out of home. Doing your own laundry, cooking and cleaning your own mess. Literally forcing yourself to do things you hate and have never done in the past 20years of your life. Trust me, I've never worked a vacuum cleaner, the laundry machine or even wash the dishes. I was kinda spoilt though, cause my mom would have told me "don't wash the dishes, your hands will turn wrinkly" so yea..... that's why I never did it. Life's been a big eye opener here. You get to be on your own and it gets fun at times, but home is where the heart is and I do miss home. I miss my friends and that's one of the hardest part to deal with because you think that they would forget you when you're back...... I don't know if they do though. But truth is I do miss them. I miss the food and my dog. I left so many things behind and I really really do miss home.
It isn't the same moving 11 hours away. It honestly does feel like crap sometimes. but i'm getting there.

im getting there............





anyhow, if I had my birthday...... I was thinking an outdoor whimsical tea part at 4pm at Spruce hahaha. I haven't found an ideal place yet, but for now that's what I thought. Otherwise..... i'm kinda out of options.

sometimes

I wish I had a voice, sometimes. 
I wish I could express what I was feeling, freely.
I wish I was never stuck in the bottle of my own emotions.

Taken for granted -
It's what I feel, so, ask yourself, do you? Do you take me as and when you want?
And after this question pops in my head, the next would be:
"Do you think you deserve me?"

In fact, who do I deserve. Part of me tells me that i'm the girl that's too nice, the other side tells me I deserve nothing.

nothing at all.

two ordinary, one extraordinary.

Hi!
I may have never introduced him, but hey, here's Brian. He's mine, oops no. He's my boyfriend. I met him over a year ago, and over a year ago he asked me under the rain "would you be my girlfriend?" and i said "yesssssssssssssssssssssssss". I didn't know what I was getting myself but into, but whatever. Not to side track.
But hey, we are two people living the extraordinary in our life. and no we aren't the ideal couple, infact we could be the strangest kind of couple cause we don't fight, we have deep discussions.

Here we go.
I met him a year ago!!!!!!! and more, but I got together with him a year ago!!!!!!! and i didn't know where things were going, I was scared, if he broke my heart like all the other people that did...... but he hasn't dropped my heart yet despite my weight gain.

It's been a year that we have been together, but it's been 6/7 months we have been living together. I know crazy. It has been craziest 7 months that we have been together. The craziest infact. Yes we are like every ordinary couple, we do fight. It was a piece of cake when we first started out, but honestly we were both scared. I was. I had a huge culture shock and he was gonna see me 24/7. Imagine that.

\Okay I'm going too fast.

So one year ago.
There's two sides to our love story but what everyone knows is, we had the longest lunch date. 6 hours. I sat with a stranger for lunch for 6 hours and ditched my bff for that charismatic smile.
And here goes, I had my first sneak out by going for supper with him. He asked if I wanted to grab some tau huay, and I sneaked cause I wanted to see more of him.
I don't know if he saw something in me, but I wanted to know so much more about him.
Well, cause my parents were out of town so sneaking out was easy and prior to the date my parents were supposed to arrive, he asked me to spend my last night with him at somewhere special.
So I took hopped into his car and took the midnight drive.
Here's my favorite part. So I asked him
W: "what do you look for in a girl?"
B: "Communication"
W: "So have you found someone like that yet?"
B: "Well, there this girl"
B: "She majors in communication and right infront of me"

hahaha ok, that was my favorite. So the subsequent days there wasn't sneaking out for suppers, so we had lunches. And one day after we were done with lunch. He told me
B: "I wanted to do something since the other day, for quite sometime now"
W: "What?"
B: "I want to kiss you"
and the best part was, the moment he said that he shun away cause he was soooooo shy. So i hopped over and stole his kiss.

Well, I knew he was into me cause he grabbed my hand.

So that was relatively how we started.

He's been the most amazing guy I've met. Though he has his complicated days, he's still the best. He cooks for me when I get sick, check my temperature constantly when I'm down with a fever, takes me to the doctor. Cooks for me whatever I crave for. Spoils me once in awhile. Blow dry my hair just because I get lazy. Fetches me around whenever I need it. Dances with me whenever I feel like it. Perks me up whenever I'm down.
He basically takes care of me, and I know he loves me even if he doesn't say it.

It's been a year and I would say it was not easy.
There were times I wanted to give up, fall and just punch him in the face cause he gets annoying and bossy. But truth is, he loves me, and sometimes all that annoying side and whatever he does - there's a reason for it whether I like it or not.

He's the best thing I ever had, and he's someone worth holding on to.
I know there are days that we both feel like beating ourselves up because our relationship do suck sometimes, we can fight.... no we actually have deep disucssions about our relationship, and we talk for hours about it. But that's how we are. We do fight but we still love each other.
We don't know what the future may hold, we don't know if we would be together the following year, but one thing I know is that I'm gonna try. I'm going to want to keep this.
I know I'm going to invest in this relationship till I know I've done enough, but for now. I'm not going to let go. I am going to continue journeying this relationship. I get scared thinking about it cause there's so much to journey and learn about with him, but he's gonna be worth it.

Are you ready B?
Happy Anniversary.

faith

"Are we okay?"
"I don't know" 

It feels like a drought. I feel like I am oblivion to my surroundings. I feel like I'm about to snap but what is the use for snapping.

1 year ago, I fell in love with this guy, a complete stranger. I sat down and had coffee for a good 6 hours and even shifted all my plans for him, and from then on - I had my eyes on him. He was charming, especially with his words. So charismatic and had the right tinge of humor in him. Well, soon after his humor got the better of me, his jokes turned into rough thorns, and me being me, I would think about what his jokes were about and think thoroughly if they were what he really felt, but sometimes jokes don't sound like jokes. I had fun. I was never this happy. I have never been happier through my one year with him. Six months before I moved to NZ, it was definitely still our "honeymoon period" according to everybody, and I never regretted a single day being with him. He, was definitely the guy that made me at my happiest, and I love him.

I have lived with him for 6 months now, and I haven't regretted a day.
Moving here was definitely a big change in our relationship and I wouldn't deny that I moved here not knowing what would happen and only knowing that stranger for six months. Six months and now we are living together, strange but amazing. I liked to be different from the norm, so to me, maybe it was okay to move out, to live with my boyfriend. All the more, my parents were going through that divorce, I was part of the whole mess and I couldn't have been able to swallow and walk away without feeling like crap.

Honestly if you asked me why I moved here, I would say cause I was clingy. I knew that I was going to be different when the divorce blew up in my face, when my parents were both losing it, I was slowly losing my sanity at the same time. I couldn't be home. All I wanted to do was have Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays just to party away to not feel a thing and just skip reality for abit. I knew I was going to be different but I didn't want to be that girl. I had a responsibility, I was someone's girlfriend and I couldn't let lose like that. I didn't want to be that girl, I didn't want to allow myself to be someone I hated, but to me, that was my only route to feeling normal.

When B left, all I did was coped in my room, go for late night suppers or even to party all day without caring about anyone's feelings.

I was selfish I admit that.

And upon that selfish mindset, I decided instead of losing myself, why not keep it but keep it far away from here. So this is why I moved to NZ. I wanted to study, and I did. I wanted to be as far as I could from my family, and I did as well. I just wanted to keep being myself without losing it - and maybe I was too selfish for doing so.

I was tired of my family, all that drama and I hated myself for being involved. I just couldn't love myself anymore, cause I was blamed to let all this happen. If I knew he was coming to Singapore, I should have said something, I should have done something, when I guessed my mom had an affair, I should have did something there instead of allowing things to go on. I hated knowing. I hated them. I hated myself.

And I was alright before all that happened.

I was that girl, the one that could do all things on her own, quiet, and independent. I made sure I did not rely on anyone, not even my boyfriend. I probably had a handful of friends and alot of acquaintance. I could watch a movie alone, go shopping all by myself or sit in a fine dining restaurant just by myself, and it was perfectly fine. I'm that girl that gets socially drained and stop being herself when she's tired. I can't keep up and out with a number of friends 7 days a week and have only 4 hours to be myself. I need my space and I need to recharge to process what my friends said in that particular day or lunch.

I moved here.

And I started accepting what  I did, and loved myself, I became household independent and I started being less of a brat because I was on my own. I thought I became better, more independent domestically and I was happier. All I know, I was very happy, the only thing that brought me down was I knew I needed my socializing life back even though I hated to socialize. I knew I couldn't completely rely on B and I knew that I needed friends, the only problem was I didn't know how to make any. So B was technically, my only friend here. It gets lonely, definitely, I don't get to turn to anyone when I make a mess in my relationship and I am actually forced to sit and think about the next option other than relying for a given option.

We used to fight. And now we fight, maybe we don't fight, we talk. We talk rather seriously that actually becomes really scary. I get scared.

Two nights ago, we had a fight, like  I said, our fights are mere talking, just really serious without the screaming and shouting but alot of crying.

I found out that B saw different personalities in me in Singapore, and that made him think through about who I was. I asked myself the very same day that, and I knew who I was, I just went back to being that brat in Singapore, and I had no idea why. I could blame the weather because it got the better of me, but I'm the only one to blame. I did feel horrible for acting like that, and I didn't know what exactly I was doing, merely. acting. like a brat. And that's not me.

I would do whatever just to have my relationship to scroll right back up, I would do whatever just to keep you by my side. And I know I do get annoying, clingy and most of the time selfish. I snatch your blanket and steal your bathrobes. I act like a kid and get really lazy, but we're both humans, we get lazy and we do get irritating, maybe just me. I want to be the best girlfriend, or rather, I try to be. The only thing that creeps onto my skin is fear, I fear I would lose you one day and I'm not ready for that. I know I do think of our relationship really deep into the future, but I can't help it, I would stop because things only last in the moment, you never know what the future holds.


I'm just that girl that's really into you.

unraveled perception

Sometimes what you think isn't what it is supposed to be, or rather, what you thought shouldn't have been a thought in the first place. I ask myself very frequently, "am I okay?", it's like.... a self check to my weekly self. I need to know I am okay to continue on otherwise I would suffer a mental breakdown half way through the week and just sob on the pillow for an undeserving reason.

I have always been that girl the girl that gets everything going just the way she wants it to go. The girl that was never beaten down hard because of words. I move along with the world, I always believed that if this method doesn't work, try another otherwise if it's too much of a dread, give up and pick a new game to play. And the only time when I lose it all is when I start feeling like it's all my fault, and I'm doing it all wrong. 

I used to be that girl, the one with dreams and goals, to travel the world. That girl that needed her space to zone out and being by myself was the best thing in the world. Well, I shopped along, watch a movie by myself, have dinner/lunch/hightea all alone. I could do without relying on anyone because people fail you eventually. And I kinda miss that life, the one where I felt like I did not need to bring my phone out and just be by myself. I was that girl the one that thought freedom was the most important aspect in life, and there was nothing weird when I didn't have company. I mean, I was completely fine about it. 

I was that girl that believed that friends were the come and go type, there wasn't one to stay and that was why I never bothered keeping in touch or keeping close till I found something meaningful in that friendship. I dread being the first to make conversations and I hate being alone in class yet I contradict myself because I dread making friends. And I still am that girl.

I am that girl that needs her space, but when someone comes really close to me, I would be reliant on that person, I'm that girl whom never ever stands up for herself when something goes wrong, I am that girl that would never shout at you because of the OCDs I have and I would never tell you if I hate you doing something. I'm the girl that cries occasionally because I can feel my heart being pulled out when you say something that could possibly hurt me.

 I'm not your idealistic girl, I'm not someone you want to come close to, I'm filled with danger but so little risk being with. I'm not the girl you could be friends with and think that your jokes don't make me run away, but here's the thing, the scariest thing about me, I wouldn't say a word about what you've done, but if you pushed me to my limit, I would turn away so silently that you would have never expected. I could be your sweetest dream, or possibly the meanest bitch.

I became that girl that knows what I deserve and if I deserve better. 

Have you ever felt like you're the one putting all that effort

Yet you feel like giving up on all of it

Because you were too tired 

Too tired