and sometimes you can't help but to wonder was it their fault or yours.

yours - because you couldn't blend in, because you couldn't make the effort to be their friend because all you did was just helplessly sitting there and being by yourself. because you know what friends do to you, they eventually run off somewhere else after they are done with you.

ya that's why i don't bother making friends
cause i think that everyone comes to you for a reason and that's fucked up. i can't help to think if i am an actual burden or an actual friend to that one person. I can't help but to feel all this, but look. when you don't make a friend table turns and it's your fault
 it's your fault you never made a friend, its not their fault for not asking you out for a meal

it's your fault, it's your fucking fault for being such a burden
it's my fucking fault for not being able to open that bloody mouth of mine.

xx, you.

"if you don't talk to me, who are you going to talk to?"

- precisely, no one. 

Words don't have enough power to show you my gratitude - for taking care of me on sick days, making sure i'm okay on days with cramps, cooking dinner when I start rumbling, taking me out on grocery shopping, praying for me when I wasn't well (yes i know you did) and making me laugh at the silliest jokes. (yes you still do make me laugh).

I have never been happier, and I will never ask for more cause you're more than enough and I am more than blessed, very contented indeed. B, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I know that there are nights I rumble and irritate you, cry over spiders in the shower and have bad days or rant it all out on you, I know I may not be the best when it comes to "housewife material" but I'm trying. Yeah, I may sound terrible when I say "i have never done the dishes for twenty years of my life and my fingers are wrinkling and hands are turning rough" or "I don't know how to do the laundry..." but i'm willing to learn all of that, and make myself less of a burden and more of someone more useful at home.... hehe. I said it once before, and I will say it again: I will do all that dishes even if my hands starts turning rough, because I know you are still going to hold on to me. You're too special B, and when I say "I can't imagine not being with you", I really can't. I may sound like the overly attached girlfriend or someone too clingy, but that's what you are to me, that's how much you mean to me.

I get that question quite frequent, "Why B, what makes him so special", it's everything about him, the way he dances in the middle of the room and the way he smiles at me across the table everytime we have a meal. He makes my stomach filled with butterflies when we go on dates, dress nicely and have the best night we are supposed to have. The way he makes me a better person, or less bitchy. The way he tells me things when he thinks it's not right, the way he corrects me when I'm wrong. He doesn't care about what the world thinks, but it's our own judgement, not theirs.

It's been 2 months here, and if you asked me why I came to New Zealand, I'd say I wanted to be nearer to him, and yea, I needed somewhere to start a pre-degree program so I thought killing two birds would be easier - moving in with him and studying. I don't know what I would do for semester two, but right now, it feels right at least. with my life at least, I'm getting the hang of being here, and being around you seems more than...... hahaha you get what I mean. 

i love you, b. 

for constantly pushing me to my limits. 

waves

"Not in despair - torn, ripped apart, broken" 

They say family's the one that sticks by you through the end. But that one conversation I had with my relatives thorn me down, the day where everyone made the decision where I wasn't good enough for University. The day everyone said I was making the wrong choice in course, the day that everybody said that university isn't what I think it is. But let me ask you, when you step into a university, who exactly is mentally prepared for it? I was crushed, broken, thinking that I found a way to climb up to one day hold a degree in my hands, all faded away because no one believes in me.

Simply because Singapore has the most fucked up education system. We get categorized from the age of 12 because of one exam. Because of that one paper you are bound to never succeed if you fail. Everything else that you do for the next 4 years of your life is already determined where you would end up at because climbing from the bottom to the express stream would have been the hardest thing to do because it's so different. 
- well this is my point of view.

I have never felt this blissful feeling, but at the same time empty.
I see everyone at my age doing something they like doing - something or somewhere that they have managed to climb into, yet me? I'm doing nothing about my life.
Working part time at a retail store, and what, holding a diploma certificate that is actually worth nothing because you see, it's a private sector.

Sometimes when everyone loses faith in you, you start losing faith in yourself, and that's how I feel. I'm starting to lose every glimpse of hope that I might actually attain a degree one day. Still that's not the point. I'm just afraid what the future is going to throw at me.

The past two weeks, I had shit going through my family life. The past one week I had my boyfriend back but I gave him lots and lots of tears, because I knew how scary this long distance thing would have been. The worst was when I said "You hold my sanity here, and when you're gone - I don't really know how I would be able to stay calm".

Also, my parents withdrew the idea for paying for my school fees, again - because they don't believe I would have been able to succeed. My mom? She made me do one of the most disgusting things in my life that I would never forgive myself for doing for a promise that I could have gone to NZ smoothly, but look - all lies. She claims she tried, but when you're seated on a table filled with people talking your daughter down and you stood there and watch.

You watched me get blamed, insulted and degraded but you said nothing.

My dad? He agreed, he allowed all to say I wasn't ready for university. He was more than willing to keep me in Singapore because he thinks that his business was sufficient to keep his daughter here, a degree was just a waste of money.

All this time in my life, I tried to prove them wrong, I tried to be that good girl, I tried to study as hard as I could. Score distinctions and merits for all my papers, yet? I am always going to be the black sheep here, because I never did O levels and now, I know I can't do it either.

I'm stubborn yea, but what did you do. You never allowed me to take my Os when I wanted to. You never allowed me to pursue early childhood when that was all  I wanted. When I wanted to do a diploma your condition to pay was if I did business and that negotiation became doing Mass Communciations. Did I like it? I had to seat through something I didn't know if I would have done in the future. And now you're blaming me for not doing all those when I was younger yet wasting your money for a diploma that isn't recognizable.

The thing about you guys is you can never admit that it was your fault for making me go through all that and now, I have to realize that I wasted all those times trying to please you when I'm clearly never gonna be good enough.

People say "You have such a happy family why do you wanna leave". Tell me, is this exactly what happiness means? All is this all fear injected into your body. Fear of failing everyone around you. Maybe I have gotten over it, but I'm just tired. I am so tired of living here. And yea, you would think that "cause your boyfriend is in NZ right". I wouldn't deny.

B's in NZ, and yes that's where i wanna be because I would do anything just to be next to him. But this isn't it. I have always wanted to leave and now even if you put me in some other place, I wouldn't mind a single bit because it's the route of escape that I want to head for. I wanna leave because I finally realized that I'm tired, I'm sick of trying to please you or anyone.

-

2 minutes to 7000 miles, do I miss him?
 yes I do.

I won't deny a single bit, I miss him like crazy it actually blows my mind away. No I don't feel insecure about this relationship, but yes I'm actually scared to see where things might go if I don't have him for the next 3 years. Maybe I would feel better if I'm somewhere else and he's there but so long as I'm here, I can't seem to be able to feel like I would ever be okay.



-

now you understand
i don't have a happy family
but all i want is my happy ending

It feels like it's all crashing down again, it feels like it's going so softly this time round; but the fall wouldn't be gentle, the fall would hurt and I would crash with flames. 

it doesn't make it okay when you leave me hanging, when you do something that fills me up with hope and take my down within a snap. Neither does it make it okay that I've to crumple my heart and cry because of something that was done to hurt others yet I've to stay silent.

have you ever felt like your mind was corrupted with everything unhappy, your stomach crushes alittle over the dinner table because you know what conversations you would have. Every single time.  You try to fix things but you know you can't, you know you're "too young" to interfere or you don't have a voice to make a say.

I think that's not the worst. Worst comes from your heart starting to wrinkle. Worst comes when I start to ask myself, why do I love you so much/ worst comes when you feel like you're nothing but a hopeless lover.
Worst is when I started going through an emotional pit but I had to realize no one was going to be there and you had to suck it all up. It's when all I wanted was you to listen and tell me it was going to be okay, not all your solutions or finding where the fault came from. I didn't ask for you to fix me, I wanted you to be there.

Worst began with me asking myself if you loved me more than i love you. 
  
I need to breath. I need to tell myself I would be okay. I was never like that. Well maybe, a messed up wreck.

But tell me the truth, really.
What is family when everyone's hiding secrets and telling lies built around the home.

I was once told, your family is what matters, is the idol to your future family, your parents love towards each other is the one that you'd learn to love your other.

Maybe happiness was my glimpse of hope, but everything's turning so shady. Everything.