here's the line

I'm so much of a feeler, so much.
I contain emotions in me that I cannot handle on my own.
I drive myself crazy cause the emotions in me empowers everything.
I go crazy and I can't handle myself.
I can't explain to you how I function, cause I malfunction all the time.
I'd drag you onto this mess of mine,
and let you know that I don't really care about what's the situation
but do know I still care about you.

I'm no gentle giant, i'm friendly in my own traits. I'm relatively quiet but I'm not shy. I detest meeting new people or keeping up with conversations that has no meaning nor any gain out of it. But if you know, you know I'm not as quiet as you think you first met me, I've strong opinions for valuable life decisions and if I fight for you it probably means that I know you're better than all there is to not fight for. I'm drawn towards little kids, disabled especially. and to the older folks. I wouldn't say I've a heart made of gold, It's because I've a passion for them and seeing smiles on their faces makes me the happiest person in the world. The only time I feel like I'm filled with happiness in me would be when I'm doing something relating to them. The emotions that i've in me makes me makes me need my "alone time", trust it, I would be so different if I don't get my alone time, it's like - being alone's like recovering from the exhaustion or restoring the drain of energy. Despite all that I am, i'm also rather sensitive and vulnerable.
I break easily and trust my own judgement too much. I fall, and I crash.

but feeling all this makes me human.

not happiness.

they say happiness is a choice.
it's a matter of how you define it.
it's based on how you look at the context of it
it's what that matters most to me.

this afternoon, i was on the phone with a girlfriend that I haven't seen in the longest time, apparently - she was the only person the truth came out bluntly towards.
I almost broke myself like as though I was a glass bottle on someone else's hand, thrown down from the 24th floor. And all I could do to myself was stay in agony, bitterness and misery. I never knew what the term 'unhappy' was all about cause all I strive for would be happiness. Well I grew up knowing happiness was the key to living life.
Our conversation was the one that I've never had with anyone else. I told her the deepest thought within the first 25seconds of that phone call. I panicked. And within the next minute, I exclaimed saying "I am not happy".
I didn't know why I was so jittery, it was like, you finally realized that buying twenty pieces of dresses couldn't make you happy or getting 14 pairs of heels could bring you to the stage of what 'happiness' was.
i needed to breath, i needed to calm myself - cause i thought i was sprouting words that I didn't understand myself.  But even still, i got home realizing I wasn't happy, not even contented with what I had. Well, what do i have. Starting to realize that the key source of living my life was dying. I honestly don't know what to feel. Or in simpler terms, i don't know how to feel - it's like all these emotions are mixed in a spiral that's out of reach. I'm losing it.


Happiness - what makes you happy. cause superficial isn't ringing down that tone any longer.

mixed

It's such a cold night, well, i mean literally. 

but one thing more would be the cold running through my skin.

I am trying, trying so hard to break your walls down.

Maybe it's just walls against me, but I am trying. 

I don't hate you, neither do I despise it whatever you did.

Everyone runs around with their own flaws.

I do too.

everything happened, you and i can't deny.

but it's been more than a year// it's been close to a year.

I miss you, that feeling of comfort. 

The one that I could do all sort of stupid things with

the one that could break my walls yet build them up within a second

I remember how the term bestfriend was such a cliche term to be used on us.

well, i missed you, and I took the effort to try, I took those walls down to try to talk to you

but guess you're the one with walls built beyond anyone could break.

//

i hate it when someone shouts at me, it's like whenever i try to do something right

i get all the whole shouted at thing

//

i hate it when you give tell someone what you're gonna do 

and they do it too

oh it's not the 'you copy me' shit

but it's the you fucking stole the idea for my god damned assignment

//

i hate it when people don't remember things you tell them

it's like, you remind them 10 times and you know that they get irritated by it

so you stop for the 11 time

and they don't do it

//

i hate it when someone could lie to you

and look straight into your eyes with that fucking lie

and when you ask them about it again

they lie

all they do is lie

when they expect the truth out of you

//

the fact that people go unappreciative 

when you try to do something to make their day

they go all unappreciative 

and screw yours

--------

it's like no one fucking listens to me

no fucking one 

if you fucking ask me why am i raging 

it's cause no one wants to listen to my crap

cause it's all bullshit somehow

whatever man.

so many things to feel today

fucking day, fucking soul.

like i said, we arent talking
so where the fuck are we heading to


hi 2014, you seemed so messed up on your first day
looks like you made one heck of a first impression.