so silent, yet so bloody

Have you ever tried to write, but all that came out was backspace. you type something and all you do is erase it because sometimes the truth was the hardest to face.

I have hoped for the best, I have been here. I set there wishing everything would be okay. But nothing was okay, nothing will ever be okay, I don't know when this would end but my heart aches everytime I sit here. Everytime I face the reality of what is going on, it hits me.

it hits me so hard.

I am able to sob for hours and hours. I am able to throw myself a pity party.
I can crack my head so hard,

Such big love

He sprinkles stardust on my pillowcase for a goodnight sleep, he kisses me on the forehead after every good night sleep. He's more than just my boyfriend, he's someone really special. 

Yes, I admit I'm really clingy, sometimes, or most of time, and the fact that I talk a lot or I'm relatively weird sometimes. But he loves me still, and I know he does. 

I've never felt as though someone could love me, that much. I've never thought anyone would have allowed me to be myself, frankly, I'm weird most of the time, and I'm spoilt in the various of ways, and I'm someone that's not easy to get along with. 

I admit I'm socially selective and I get hurt really easily because I get extremely sensitive. I know I would always deny it but deep down, I know I am. I know I can be the worst person to hold a conversation with, or I can bore you with my sad stories about life, but I can be really open about life too. 

The moment you get to know me and I find something special about you and I got a good feeling about the relationship we are gonna have, I would speak my mind out, I'd tell you things about me that you could never guess. 

And that's me. 

I get really quiet, I cry for the smallest reason, I get angry and swallow it down, I get extremely bitchy if we go on the wrong foot, I zone out when you stop talking, I like talking about what you're doing and I like probing into your life, I talk a lot when you're something, I laugh at the weirdest reasons even if you don't find it funny,  I can be myself if you stay yourself when you're with me. 

But, with B, well, I don't swallow when I get angry, I spill it out after processing for an hour or two. I get up with my eyes closed to toast a bread for him in the wee hours. I do the most unusual/unexpected of myself, willingly. I learn how to love myself, and believe that I'm something.

Though he tells me, "you're such work". I know he loves me, I know he still appreciates the smallest things I do. I know he still cares and wouldn't stop loving me even though I'm such a mess sometimes, or like he says most of the time. 

I've never thought I'd have met a guy that would have danced with me when my favorite song starts playing on the radio, simply jamming in the craziest ways on the couch while the song shuffles on iTunes. 

I never thought that I could have deserved a guy like him, I thought he was out of my league. Come on, good looking, utterly charming, smirking with words, knowing how to perk a girl up, staying by her while she has cramps - tell me, how is he not the best boyfriend one could ask for? 

When I was at my lowest, all he did was sit there and hug me tight. And he told me it will all be alright. And everytime  he tells me it's going to be okay, it assured me and I know it's going to be okay because B believes in it, and I would try to catch that glimpse of hope in it too. 

I might be a mess, I might be one of the hardest person to deal with, not the most domesticated girl, very spoilt, a big shopperholic, too bitchy sometimes, the biggest hypocrite, utterly stubborn and very very annoying. But I can be really really nice. Or at least I try to be.... I would love you, I'd love you just the way you love me with alittle more. And that's why I love you B. Somehow, your utterly mean talks, makes me love you more, you make me a better person, you help me turn into someone I never thought I'd have became. You taught me what tough love meant, and you... Made me learn what it means to love someone whole heartedly. 

I can't tell you how special he is to me, cause you might want him too haha (I'm kidding), but really, I can't find the right words to say what I really feel like when I'm around him, magic, maybe? 

I actually never thought I'd have loved someone else so much, I actually thought no one was going to love me with his entire self. 

I love you B, thank you for being the best. 

pretty girl

I always ask myself, "am I pretty?" and it's okay if I know I'm not, it's okay if I can feel like I ain't pretty at all. I wish I was, definitely. But it hits you only when you start wondering to yourself "am I pretty, enough for him?". And it haunts you, it makes you feel like crap, it makes you think as though you don't know if you are good enough or not, pretty enough or not. 

He tells me my size doesn't matter. 
but it does. It matters alot. I tried to brush the fact that I gained a good 15kg from the moment I met him, and I don't blame him for that 15kg, simply because I was too comfortable that 15kg felt okay. I used to be scared, come on, I worked in A&F, and it's a fact that size did matter. Working there already made me feel like the biggest sized person in the store, and that was okay, it was easy to lose that amount of weight when people around you are all size 2. It was never okay to be a size 4.
The moment I saw a layer of fats sticking out of my waist when I wore that size 2 jeans, I freaked out.

I knew I wasn't size 2, I knew my jeans size was not going to be 27 anymore, Yes I freaked out.

Here's the triggering point.

I met him when I was size 2, yes B says it doesn't matter, and I try to not let it matter. I mean, I used to be that size (the one in my layout photo). Well, it was horrid, the way I lost that amount of weight was tragic and really unhealthy. I was definitely psychotic, obsessed over my weight and running through the syndrome of low self esteem. That's when I met B, while I was still obsessed but definitely better.

and after being in new zealand for the longest period, I feel like utter crap.
i feel like i ain't good enough and I hate looking at the mirror.
i hate feeling like the biggest person around and I hate looking like this. It makes you feel like you hate yourself so much because of the way you look and it's horrid to look at the mirror.
I would wonder, if you can look at the mirror of yourself that way, what would others think, what would he feel, and what would he think. 
I feel like utter crap

It's disgusting, I feel disgusting.

Was bothering overboard?

When a joke turns into that one torturing thought;

Am I being a burden or an annoyance to you?

"maybe it's time you move out" 

Well - I've always thought of that as a joke, but when he mentioned it last night, it didn't feel so much like a joke. It wasn't the first time he said it at such a mood anyway, so was I being a bug? 

Since day 1 when I arrived, I told myself I wouldn't let him sleep on the couch under my watch because it was... Bad for the back I'd claim. So, whenever he was falling asleep I'd drag him to the bed. The first few months was annoying, very annoying. I didn't know if he had things to do or not, cause he would have told me "no i am not gonna sleep" or "I've things to do", but when I tried to get him out of bed at 2300, he would turn all grumpy, and I got used to that. I just didn't know what to do, like should I have let him sleep the night through and switch off the living room lights, but what if he gets upset at me the next morning because I didn't get him up? Trust me, when he tells me "10 more minutes" it's never 10 minutes. 

This went on, and on and on, so from trying to get him up to bath, to deciding to just change his clothes to sleep comfortably. But now, on certain nights where he told me he didn't want to go to bed yet when I knew he was awfully tired, I would just drag him to bed without hesitation, and this is where I thought the annoying side of me came across to him. 

As in, I wanna sleep too. As much as I tell him that and he tells me "just sleep la", I can't. I need to be sure he's in bed, comfortably. I can't go to bed knowing my boyfriend isn't next to me or isn't sleeping comfortably. I do this because I don't want him to wake up the next morning feeling regretful over something he didn't do the night before. 

I tend to imagine all the time - what if he has to do this or that, so maybe I should get him up. But the thing is. He doesn't want to wake up, and when he's tired, he gives me a bunch of bullshit and infact scolds me without knowing exactly what he's talking about. Because the next morning I would actually tell him "you were really rude last night for saying ....." And he wouldn't know that he said such a thing. This would be able to go on and on, and I would get used to it. Because all I wanna do is off the damn lights in the living room, but I don't know if I should.

I can't help to wonder if he has something on or not but he gets all grouchy when I ask him or gives me the crap where he needs 5 minutes more when that 5 minutes never ever comes. I don't know if he is really pissed at me or he is just sleep talking. I don't know. 

So tonight, he said maybe it's time you move out, and I thought I was passing the line. Because all he wanted was to shower, but it was already midnight and he's eyelids could not even be lifted up, I couldn't have let him sleep on the sofa cause I wanted to go into the bedroom already and when he reached the bed, I kept bugging him to sleep properly because he was sleep sideways and dozing off while scrolling through facebook, but still he claimed he wanted to have a shower, but after 30 minutes he was half dozing off on the bed, and was awfully stubborn because he was so insistent on showering when I knew he was too tired to do it. 

Well I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but telling me maybe it's time I moved out when all I did was trying to get him to have a better sleep, was i or have I been such a horrible girlfriend that he doesn't want me around? Simply maybe too annoying for him. 

Yea, he loves me but this is where compromising gets hard, I want him to sleep comfortably but he procrastinates doing what he needs to do and falls asleep either way.

And it made me wonder, did he really meant it when he said "I think it's time you moved out".