Beautiful Creation

"Memories were never created to destroy you" 

"Yet it's destroying me" 

"Somehow I wished I never had a memory" 

I fell in love with you,
I don't know how.
I don't know why.
I just did.

There's a girl in the corner,

with tears stain down her eyes

from the place she's wondered

and the shame she can't hide

and she said

"how did I get here, i'm not who I once was"

You're more than the choice you've made, 

You're more than your past mistakes.

I fell in love. I'm falling in love.

I ask myself all the time - why do I perceive myself from a far like as though I'm leading a really sad life, why isit that I feel that I'm just plain messed up and I've no hope in any of this cause even if I find hope I'd eventually mess it up again, I ask myself why. It's just sad to see yourself so helpless, like you can't find anything else to save your own soul. 

I do blame others, I blame people for taking my sanity, killing my soul every night, turning my dreams to eventual nightmares, making me feel like i'm worth nothing. Again, isit wrong to be such a feeler? I don't mean to be so messed up, but sometimes, messed up is the only description I'm able to find for myself. 

I am contradicting, I say things and mean the opposite. 

I find all ways to avoid emotional conversations.

I find all ways to skip reality. 

I find all ways to feel like I'm non existence. 

It's horrifying to realize so much about yourself at one moment, to figure out that you know nothing about yourself, to feel like when it's all coming back to you, you're going mad. I was better than this/ I never wanted to feel any of this.  I hate being a feeler, I hate feeling so much, I hate being so alone. It's weird huh, from the girl you knew back 2 years, she had everything, all the friends she wanted, all the lovers she needed, to a girl who has became, nothing. Someone asked me, was it so hard to admit that you're feeling so alone, and yeah, it's the hardest thing I've done to come upfront with myself to actually confessed how lonely I felt because I could count the number of people I had by my fingers and it never reached 5, that's how scary I felt, I felt like I was losing everyone, I felt like I didn't have anyone any longer, and if you were me how would you feel? From everything to nothing, to gaining everything, to nothing. 

A year ago, I thought everything would have been different, honestly, I never thought I'd have survived the year, I never thought so many things could have happened. It's not the perfect picture I would have seen in myself, but i'm here, I'm here still, I found that silliness in life was something that you ought to never lose. As much as you wished I was gone, I'm gone from your life. I learnt how it was to pick yourself up and start moving again, I found someone special. I finally realized that being unfair to yourself is the last thing that you should be doing, cause you deserve more than this.