Drafting every post up, deleting it at the very last second, otherwise it's me unable to continue because of the loss of words. Until now, I don't know what I want, what I expect or even what I'm thinking.
Tell me what I'm feeling cause I don't know, I don't know what I should feel or what I am feeling at all. I just need to get out of whatever I am in and take a view of it. I feel utterly sick, disgusted and lost. Somehow, I feel like this entire world of mine seems to be colliding, I'm making rational choices, making nothing out of the worst, and I constantly tell myself I'm okay. I wake up every morning and tell myself it's going to be better, it's going to be better everyday. I wake up telling myself that I have to learn to trust myself, feel secure in wherever I am because I lost this comfort zone of mine, I don't feel safe in my own comfort - that makes me living in insanity. I think about the choices I make, I think about what I'm doing and fooling around with, and I ask myself what the fuck am I doing, cause I'm playing with dust and fire.
I left, and people ask, "why do you seem so okay?"/"Aren't you affected? He seems like he meant alot to you". To be honest, I ain't okay, I wasn't okay but here I am trying to be, and I know I will be okay.
Through this period, I remember that for every song I loved, there would be a inner meaning but there was this particular one that I could have never understood, never understood why I loved it so much, maybe I don't love it. But I know the lyrics meant alot to me, it meant so much. Then again, there's this part that goes "Where were you when I needed you most?" That was what I realized, I realized that I became afraid, afraid to fall again because I don't know how to trust the person that is going to catch me. You said you wanted a happy story if I ever had to reminisce over any of my past - here goes. I can give you a happy ending, but it wasn't a happy story. Through that entire relationship, I felt like I lost myself through it. Instead of nights where I thought I found myself, I actually lost it. I became someone you wanted - not someone I was. And that's how I am scared. That's why I am scared to fall again, cause I don't know if I am going to lose myself again, I don't know how to be assured that I wouldn't be blindly manipulated into a relationship.
Someone asked, why are you like that, why is your esteem so low. I have no idea. I have no idea how this insecure side of my got built up, I have got no idea how I came here. It's not always rainbow and butterflies I get, but now it's time I breath alittle and realize what I'm losing out on, I realize that this isn't what I want at all - but again, what exactly do I want.
