Rise

I write to feel better,

I let it all out in a way that I cannot describe. 

It makes me feel better.

He told me "I have a plan for you, and that plan doesn't involve forsaking you nor leaving you by your side, I never left you and I never will". Then when you realize you're the one that have been walking away and leaving his side, but his doors were always open awaiting for you to come Home, that's right, Home. It's where you belong, home is where the heart is, home is where He is.

I can't even describe the amount of feelings I'm taking in: failing btt, feeling utterly like an utter glutton, realizing someone got something you don't, sigh guys, just sigh la. 

depressing lor

this was one heck of a week. 

Recently I've been feeling really down reading about suicides and young kids finding life so miserable. I don't know if it happens to just teenagers in the states or it happens to every teenager. It sucks thinking about death don't you think so? And if you're capable of thinking about death, that would seem like your life pretty much sucks so bad you don't wanna live. Well, you're stronger than you think you are. Suicides aren't solutions. To break the term suicide down, it means you're admitting defeat to the pushovers in life. When I was 13/14, I used to think that "why not just jump it off, you wouldn't feel anything anymore, no more nags no more shit from your parents", then when I had broke off in certain relationships I'd say "fuck this. I rather die than to feel any of this", the cycle kept continuing and I realized I became really unhealthy. Trust me, I thought death was the best solution out of everything.
I'm going to tell you it isn't. If you "coincidentally" stumbled onto this page and you're feeling this way, please know that you're better than this. You're just shutting yourself out of the world because you feel as though you don't deserve any better, but you do. You don't know who I am and I don't know who you are either, but I'd want you to stay strong for yourself. I know you can.

-
Ha. I don't know know why I been feeling so emotionally recently, probably it was because of an article I was reading about while researching about the featured writing assignment. It was horrifying - not just the story, my assignment was horrifying. I was notified that I had a submission on Thursday and my assignment was due on a Friday when I had plans on Friday night already, so.... I sucked it up and sloth myself to start the 2000 word essay, but I managed to submit it on the so #gdjobline.

It's finally Saturday. I been a real ass, one heck of a..... idk la. I been shopping so much recently I'm going broke. It's depressing to see how my account drains so quickly....... so depressing. I swear. There wasn't much of highlight of the week, other than meeting the boy's friends for the first time. It was good I guess. Other than that, I had a pretty no-plans sort of week. Depressing la.

So much have been happening verbally, so many things to catch up on, but I'm so reluctant to meet anyone for dinner since no one's free for lunch I'd head home. Sigh.

Anyhow, I realized that there's so much into being a writer, it's something. I somehow enjoy doing.

Behind the doors, we are all disgusting creatures.

Something more.

So,
I had my first lesson on the module of "Featured Writing" today.
Woke up feeling all crappy cause I had to send my dad off to the airport, so I got up as early as 6am, finally had my macs breakfast but I didn't know that hotcake's the most sinful and ways the heaviest amount of calories in them...... so for the past few days of not consuming food and now the first meal I'm clearing my plate with has 638 calories.

Anyhow, made it on time for class today with the hope of seeing a charming lecturer, but no he was this guy that looked normal apart from being old, but featured writing seems to be something I enjoy studying about, but the lecturer made me realize so much more.

why I blog: 
Probably for the fun of it. I like writing - it clears my train of thoughts, it breaks down what my massive all-day thinking mind is thinking of. Well, it helps me slow down and realize what's going on at the back of my head. Somehow, I never get the time to stop and think about situations, the moment I get tangled up in one, I'd start fretting and find all solution to resolve it rather than analysing what's going on. Maybe I dare not think what's going on or dare to take a step back to have that overview of the entire situation cause the last time I did that everything fell into pieces and I saw it falling right infront of my eyes.
I've no idea if I'm capable of being an "inspiration" or something "relatable", but that's somewhere I'd wish to see myself at one day. To at least inspire or let someone know that she or he is not alone.
I don't want to be the person who just goes all day and talk about things that happen, I don't want to write about something unworthy to have a read on, because if words had power in them, the writer holds a bigger position of power because the writer is the one controlling which word ought to be used.
I had my share of fun doing a ton of other stuff, but for once, I see a future in writing something more than what I am capable of.


Okay, till then,
goodbye x