It's like a mix feeling of everything
maybe I'm just filled with a lump of confusion over my head
When you finally realise you don't know who to trust, and who to talk to.
When you finally realise you have lost everyone
And you've nothing left.


So many contradictions, so many judgement. Tell me. Have you ever judged me because of what I am or who I am. Because I have a family that's so broke or because I'm the 'princess' of the family that get what I want. Tell me, have you judged me? I feel like, I should finally stop thinking about everyone else because all I hear is lies and more lies. I feel like I been so tangible and everyone around me was merely spinning and playing with what was in my head. Doesn't it feel utterly horrible when you finally realised that you been played.


For once,  I feel really sad. So sad to the point that I don't really know what to do. I don't know who I can talk to and who I should turn to. I feel like everyone I have once trusted, all played me out. This time, I am trying to figure if you should even hold afew close ones when the closest one has turned their back on you. Well, they never turned away, they simply twisted their words, kinda smart I reckon.


I feel like I lost everything important to me. I am just.. feeling so much.
I realised how much I've bottled up for so long just to prevent judgement from one person to another, and I realised I can't do this any longer. I realised all I do is turn to my bed and cry, and you get up and tell yourself 'you will make it' and you turn happy, and the cycle repeats.


It just hurts, it hurts a lot. To know what your friends are treating you as and how people turn to you. It hurts, really. it hurts to know that you don't even know if the ones closest to you actually love you.


Honestly, I don't know if you love me anymore, I don't know what exactly 'love' should represent. I don't know how one should love another person. I thought love was acceptance, trust and no judgement, but I guess I was wrong. And I guess that's not how everyone loves.

no excuses.

Writing frees my emotions. I get to sit silently and think through what has been on my mind.
Rage. That's the word. I been filled with rage, hatred and so much more. I hated all that has been happening to me. I felt like my life was over, disturbed and humiliated.

I have never felt like my dignity was ripped off my soul till that one night, and today, i'm still learning to forgive. I'm trying to not have the world hate my parents as much as I hate them. Yes they did something wrong, but for 21 years, I did despise them, they were never the idea parents. And if you are from a home that's perfect, strict parents and what so. Be thankful. I cried for days. I isolated myself for days and I didn't eat, sleep or shop. I'd say I'm proud of myself for not shopping, but I'm certainly not proud at the way I took a knife against my dad. I'm not proud of how I acted or screamed fuck you at him.

I don't hate him, I hate his actions.
People around me hear what they do, they hear what happen and they listen. They know what my parents do to me and how I suffered not-so-silently. If you knew me years ago, my rage was simply about how my parents never loved me and money was the center of my family.
Indeed, you can say I'm rich or spoilt, I won't deny. I know I've been a brat since awhile back. But shopping was my way of happiness. Everything I had was temporary and i knew it. I was told that one day all that I have will be gone. I never believed it.

Never did I believe one day I'd have lost everything. I never thought that it would have been me. I thought I was daddy's princess till the day it all came crashing down. I held it in for 1 year and more, I kept quiet and I cried only to one person. I hated how they were treating me. I hated how I could get calls and get told "don't ever come home, I never want to see you again". I was hurt. Devastated. I mean, which parent in the right mind would tell their child that.
The blow got even bigger when I was back in Singapore. I was told that he's doing all that to me simply because I'm the only thing valuable enough for him to hurt. Cause when he hurts me, he will hut her.

I tried to take it in, but deep down. I know I feel sad. I feel horrified of my own home and I feel scared. I feel like I'm all alone and I don't have a space to breath. I felt like every inch of happiness was stolen away from me and I'm sucked into this compress world. I feel like I did lose everything and it was all taken away from me within the next moment.

It's true. I took everything for granted. My life was..... everything. I had a really great boyfriend, I could shop and not have a limit to it, I had friends that I slowly let go cause I couldn't give a fuck about maintaining a friendship. I said I hated making friends, but when I made the closest friends, I let them go within a month. I hurt people around me last year. I failed them and broke their trust in me. I am sorry friends, family and even boyfriend. I am sorry for hurting or taking any of you for granted. I was never in the position to take you all for granted. I never had any intention hurting or being a bitch around you. I never meant to make our friendship "me". I talked all day about myself and what was bothering me. I never listened and I was never there when you guys needed me.

This goes out to all of you.
I am sorry. And maybe it's too late for me to say sorry, but do know that I miss what I had with all of you. How genuine and real a friendship could be while working at Abercrombie or how we all grew up together in Secondary school. Or how we tried to live together for a year.

My life shouldn't have been the center of it all. And I should have never been so selfish or self centered.

is this too late?

When your two world comes crashing down, when your greatest fear becomes a reality - and somehow all you were doing was just asking for all this to happen. 

I thought I was happy last year. I felt like I was. It felt as though I had everything and nothing else mattered. Little did I know that my happy days were all taken for granted. I subconsciously hurt people around me and relied on everyone for help when I needed it, yet I took it for granted. I continuously fell sick even when B was there, clearly I took it for granted thinking that everytime I fell sick I had someone to look out for me. I cried for days and I continued to do the things that were clearly unhealthy simply because I felt like it was right. I don't have the best parents, but what other choice do I have when my parents are the only people that are supporting me. 

They can hurt me a thousand times, but who was there when I needed to be support when I was younger. I can't simply abandon them just because they hurt me this once. But you know how it feels like, it feels like you've zero strength of standing by yourself, it feels like you don't know whether you should be the mature one or be the one that continues to give in. I keep feeling like I should bother and I should forgive, i keep thinking that I should give them another chance. But how many more times am I going to be willing to get hurt over.

It feels like I don't even know what I want till I lose everything. I feel like i don't even know what's important to me anymore. I feel like this time round I have to walk away from everything I hold close. Maybe to even take a month off to get over all of this. Maybe that's what i have to do to get better. The fact that I almost lost my sanity when I pulled the knife out. That makes me feel utterly disgusting to know what I was capable of. I feel disgusted knowing that people knows my family is like that. I feel disgusted that I have such a family or the fact that my dad was capable of treating me in such a manner. 

I have never felt so sad in my life or feel like I don't know what I want. I don't even feel like going out or going to shop, I don't feel like going anywhere but somewhere to be by myself. I know I will miss it here by leaving everything like that. But I can't possibly find another way I can tell myself I will be happy. I'm tired. I am so tired of what I have been going though the past one year. I feel sick and tired of knowing that it's been one year and nothing has changed. I figured that i no longer need anyone to tell me eventually it will be okay because it will never be okay. I don't even know what to do to make anything okay anymore. I felt like I could fix things and give things time to heal, but what 's the point. I have to fix myself before I can even do anything else. 

It isn't about B and I, it's isn't about how he always eventually makes me feel better. Because I know this time round he can't, I know only I can make myself feel better otherwise whatever that I do or have now is not going to help. I just need to be by myself and think it through.

I am sorry to whoever I've hurt, relied on or took for granted in 2015 or the previous years. I'm not asking for forgiveness, but I just want you to know I am sorry. I can't give the excuse of me being hurt as well. But the way I treated any of you should have been utter crap. I placed my relationship as a huge priority because I felt as though no one else cared about my wellbeing and placed B responsible over my life subconsciously and that was never supposed to happen. I'm really sorry I've hurt people. Especially Shivy and B. 

Shivy I'm sorry I took you for granted and just left you in Singapore by simply flying to NZ on impulse. I'm sorry I allowed my boyfriend to replace the tier of bestfriend. I am sorry if I hurt you or used you in any manner. I'm sorry that I'm pushing you away from my life at this point of time or just going to NZ in a week's time. I'm sorry that I've been regarding you as someone that could be available to my life 24/7, I'm sorry that I completely took you for granted.

B, I'm sorry I held you responsible over me, I am sorry I made my entire world revolved around yours. I shouldn't have. All the more we aren't married or so, I'm sorry that I had myself completely rely on you and I'm sorry that it was because of me that your studies got pushed back. I'm sorry that I placed the importance of my family when you saw that all they were doing was things to hurt me. I understand if you dislike them, but I hope you understood that it was only because I felt like I was in the position that I had to be their daughter and be there for them all the more I was 7000miles away. I never meant to hurt you or upset you. 

It's time I tried to love myself alittle and be there for myself. 

Change

I lost everything and the last thing I need now is to lose you.
2015 wasn't that great, I lost every bit of independency and adapted to clinging on to you. I forgot the importance of having personal space and left you there to see me in every broken way. Well, I thought we were happy, no doubt. I like my life back in 2015, I didn't need to bother about what was going to happen at home and shifted my priorities because I felt like things at home was considered a norm. I cried once in awhile when they called, and had you on the spot. I became vulnerable and weak and relied so much on you.

I told you this year would be different. At the point when I told you it was going to be, I honestly didn't know what to expect or how it was actually going to be different, my main motive was solely to stay with you and be by you.
But I finally figured it out. I figured that I could not have my happiness solely relying on you the moment I figured my family was gone. I had to love myself enough to be independent. Moving out wasn't about whether I could take care of myself because I know I'm capable of doing so, it was only because I hated being alone, I hate the dark and I fear many things. I say 2016 would be different because I'm going to stand up for the right things, I'm going to stand firm on my belief and know that i deserve to be treated better by others. I can't possibly live in my own comfort and be afraid if every human was going to hurt me. I need friends that I can rely on and people that would make me feel happy. I needed to make sure I ate and didn't fall sick so often or rather, simply taking care of my health the moment j know I was going to fall. I've health issues and my immune system may be the lousiest. I get lonely and I fear being alone.
I say I'll give you your space and I mean it. Giving your space being I would be quiet when you want me to, I'd create a group of friends and be by them when I can so I don't spend every bit of air around you. I want you to gain that space and I want the spark to reunite in us. I really want things to work out and we need to learn how to appreciate and support each other in the most compromising manner. I love you B, and I'm sorry I threw so many break up talk this year. I think that's what happens when I get scared and jittery, and that's something I'm gonna change too. 2016, I need to fix and love myself more.
I'm sorry for what I've done and for not respecting you and your decisions so far. 

Please tell me you will work things out with me and be by me my toughest decision now.