needless to say; i am dying here.
I know you're waiting for an update, I know you're waiting to hear from me, but I also know that you know that this time round, we hit the end of the road for any form of salvage.
Words haunt people, words kill people - and that was the one that have seemed to killed us.
I can't erase what I did wrong, I can't fix what I've done nor fix things that were supposed to be mended during the time that it happened.
i'm sorry, well that's all I have to say.
the guilt in me for having such a decision, but I am gasping to that glimpse of hope that it's okay. You know I never stopped loving you, it's just the actions that haunts me back and forth. It's been so hard to accept who I am, or maybe the way that you phrased everything, it made me sound like an inhuman monster, probably all I need right now is to breath and to know who I am, just because I am horrified of what I am, or too scared to face who I really am. If there's anything, you know I am still here, just not in the position to love you right any longer.
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
faith vs humanity
I've been having so many thoughts running through my mind, figuring which ones were the right one to listen to - like you taught me "choose the right" - I've so much more to learn from you, but for now it's learning how faith actually works in a situation like this.
Churning stomachs, cold breathes, tingling fingers, accelerating heart rate - these; was what I felt at that moment, being speechless when you're asked a question to decide, having all your hopes up but figuring that you would stay cause you knew you needed to. I've always wanted to make sense but I don't, I blog and it doesn't make sense - not even to me. To sum those physical descriptions: mainly, it meant I was scared. I was scared I was losing everything and gaining one, or losing all because of judgement. I won't deny I'm weak, easily perceived to be naive, I function like a lost kid in a foreign land and even running through the day realizing that what I did was merely nothing. I've so many choices to make right now, but only one matters most - and the count down begins to the day I would be giving you a hug saying my goodbyes forever - I am clasping onto my hands telling myself forever won't be true but I don't want to leave in denial. For me, no more denials, no more unworthy words, no more stressing out over the right choices or not. There's no doubt, I want my time alone, I need that space alone. There's no doubt I wanna be somewhere all alone, for a year or even two - I just want to be alone and realize that I have to be there. I want to be in a place where I can have nothing but realizing my needs.
like I said - I am weak and it's nothing to deny.
I don't want to let anything go, might as well bring it to the moment and say I want to hit that pause and get out of here, figure things out and come back here. That's why I want to get out, that's why I applied for university in a foreign land. Yes I am contented here, but with everyone around, I don't realize my needs, I don't realize that independency I need. There's so many things going through my mind, and the fact that hits me so hard would be whether: am I good enough. I've been untruthful to myself, I hide truths by painting them with color coated lies all around myself, but I can't do it. I'm about to hit the button where I should leave just because I can't seem to myself. Whether I am good enough or not isn't for any of you to let me know, I strive for perfection that's non existence - I strive so hard for everything else other than to make myself feel happy - I make arguments seem like I am right because I can't live with the fact where I am always wrong and it goes down to the brick where I ain't good enough - that's a fact, where I am never good enough - from the day I was brought fourth to this world, I've lived with being imperfect but I've never dealt with it - I've never come forth to the truth where being good enough just isn't it.
Probably you would ask me why, why the sudden feelings - I don't know either, maybe because the amount of feelings filled within me has exceeded the limit of what I have. Or maybe it was just because someone managed to inspire me to live out what I wanted not what I was forced to do and reminded me that what I wanted to do had to do with happiness and contention, never do something out of unwillingness with the mind where money is going to give you satisfactory.
the feeling I get would be the one like I'm in deep dark void -
I'm in the state of whether I should go with what I feel or stick with what I know I should do, it's like faith against humanity, but I can't do it. I can't walk away from anyone right now, not at this point. I feel so messed up in my head, causing delusional deaths in the war zone my illusion is facing.
Don't tell me what right to do cause it's my war to fight, but tell me you would be by my side when I come back.
Churning stomachs, cold breathes, tingling fingers, accelerating heart rate - these; was what I felt at that moment, being speechless when you're asked a question to decide, having all your hopes up but figuring that you would stay cause you knew you needed to. I've always wanted to make sense but I don't, I blog and it doesn't make sense - not even to me. To sum those physical descriptions: mainly, it meant I was scared. I was scared I was losing everything and gaining one, or losing all because of judgement. I won't deny I'm weak, easily perceived to be naive, I function like a lost kid in a foreign land and even running through the day realizing that what I did was merely nothing. I've so many choices to make right now, but only one matters most - and the count down begins to the day I would be giving you a hug saying my goodbyes forever - I am clasping onto my hands telling myself forever won't be true but I don't want to leave in denial. For me, no more denials, no more unworthy words, no more stressing out over the right choices or not. There's no doubt, I want my time alone, I need that space alone. There's no doubt I wanna be somewhere all alone, for a year or even two - I just want to be alone and realize that I have to be there. I want to be in a place where I can have nothing but realizing my needs.
like I said - I am weak and it's nothing to deny.
I don't want to let anything go, might as well bring it to the moment and say I want to hit that pause and get out of here, figure things out and come back here. That's why I want to get out, that's why I applied for university in a foreign land. Yes I am contented here, but with everyone around, I don't realize my needs, I don't realize that independency I need. There's so many things going through my mind, and the fact that hits me so hard would be whether: am I good enough. I've been untruthful to myself, I hide truths by painting them with color coated lies all around myself, but I can't do it. I'm about to hit the button where I should leave just because I can't seem to myself. Whether I am good enough or not isn't for any of you to let me know, I strive for perfection that's non existence - I strive so hard for everything else other than to make myself feel happy - I make arguments seem like I am right because I can't live with the fact where I am always wrong and it goes down to the brick where I ain't good enough - that's a fact, where I am never good enough - from the day I was brought fourth to this world, I've lived with being imperfect but I've never dealt with it - I've never come forth to the truth where being good enough just isn't it.
Probably you would ask me why, why the sudden feelings - I don't know either, maybe because the amount of feelings filled within me has exceeded the limit of what I have. Or maybe it was just because someone managed to inspire me to live out what I wanted not what I was forced to do and reminded me that what I wanted to do had to do with happiness and contention, never do something out of unwillingness with the mind where money is going to give you satisfactory.
the feeling I get would be the one like I'm in deep dark void -
I'm in the state of whether I should go with what I feel or stick with what I know I should do, it's like faith against humanity, but I can't do it. I can't walk away from anyone right now, not at this point. I feel so messed up in my head, causing delusional deaths in the war zone my illusion is facing.
Don't tell me what right to do cause it's my war to fight, but tell me you would be by my side when I come back.
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