Some days, you would feel like you have no friends
No one to talk to.
And when all that disappointments come rushing in.
Your entire world or system would feel like is falling right in front of your eyes
And you can't do anything about it.
Pathetic isn't it
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
endings.
don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me, I said you're holding back, he said shut up and dance with me.
So, 2015's ending. It's been a bittersweet year, filled with plenty of discoveries and laughter.
Let's start from the top.
I moved 5675miles away from home.
Honestly, I started the year rough. Hoping that whatever that I was going through was about to end while I was here. Basically, my mom and dad are both unfaithful people and they aren't the best parents. If you have known me long enough, I always had a dream to study abroad, simply because I hated the education system in Singapore and I hated how I was viewed as the kid that might have never went into university, so I wanted to prove everyone I knew wrong. And here I am today.
First of all, I met an amazing guy last year, he inspired me to be so much more than I am. He taught me how to be a better person and showed me that I was able to be more that what I perceived myself to be. I didn't know if my relationship was gonna work out with him last year, honestly. I was just foolishly in love with this guy that was treating me really well even though I felt like I didn't deserve all of that. Through the end of the year, he got in university - we were parting ways. A part of me didn't believe my relationship would have worked because I knew I would have needed him next to me, physically. I needed him because I was mentally breaking down when my family was turning into dust right infront of my eyes. I needed my escape route, and going to Melbourne was a definite no from my parents because I was the only daughter and safety was key to my parents even if they were both messed up, so they felt safe only if I had someone looking out for me.... so a chance to study abroad + not going through ldr + escape route: it felt like one of the best decisions of my life.
But sometimes, I feel like this decision that I made was one of the most selfish thing that I have decided, because I left my two younger brother alone in that mess, especially Sean.
Months went by, and through it all - i realized that being by yourself makes you learn so much about yourself. I finally figured what I want in my relationship, what I want in my life, and how I want things to be done. I figured what type of person I was, and you learn to become you because there's no one else to follow or impress. I get to be myself and I finally get to breath.
I realized that I am not as independent as I think I am. I am very emotional. I get hurt very easily just because I'm very sensitive to things that people say. I say sorry even if I feel like I'm not in the wrong. I give in and suck it up to people I care about. I forgive people but I may never treat them the same. I believe that having no intention to hurt is not true. I think that secrets kills relationships. I hold some of my beliefs strongly because my parents have shown me alot. I realized that I'm not as simple as I think I am. I believe that I'm very spoiled and I like being pampered once in awhile.
And the list goes on.
But hey, i stepped out of my comfort zone this year and I'm proud of myself. For those who said I could never live without my parents, I did it. I managed to cook my own food, wash the toilet, vacuum the floor, wash the dishes, do the laundry, fold the clothes, pack the house, do my own groceries. I'm not that spoiled..... to a certain extend. But one big take away, I don't need to prove myself to anyone or to make anyone proud of me, because so long as I know I did it, I'm contented. I know that from other people's eyes, I may always be the little girl, the emotional wrack, the timid one, or even the princess; but I know I did what I never thought I was able to do 5 year ago, or even 1 year ago. I'm doing things that I may have never thought possible.
yes, there were days where I could feel like shit, I felt like things were tough and life was just crap and I could quit university and go find some job that pleases me. On the other hand, I have parents and family to worry about. Living here isn't all that fun when your home is all broken and you have more to worry about. Sometimes, it gets scary, it gets really tough and I do always break down. There is no one time where I don't throw my phone onto the ground or cry after having a conversation with my parents. Afterall, they are the one supporting me through university, and they brought me up. Even though one or the other has done wrong, I can't possibly leave any. I can't pick sides even though they are wrong. I love them both even though there are days that makes me hate them so much. Maybe I do, I just hate their actions. I can honestly say I'm scared to go back home. I'm scared to get pulled into all that drama. I wouldn't know what to do because it feels really scary. People can giving me millions of solutions but that's not what I need, because you won't ever understand what I've been through in the years, and you can't tell me you know how it feels because you know nothing at all. I've always wanted my family to be important to me but it feels like one of the hardest thing to keep close to my heart because it feels like a knife stabbing through when you constantly pull it closer and closer.
this is the part where I thank B, thank you for being by my side through this year, for taking me to the hospital, or having sleepless nights whenever I fall sick and calming me down when I have a panic attack. Thank you for being there for me even though you think that relationships are non reciprocal. I'm happy. I've been a very happy girl since the day I met you, and I'm really glad that you've been holding on to me till today. This year was definitely hard, where we realized that we may have wanted different things, but I'm thankful we pulled through those days. I'm thankful that you tolerated with me and been with me since. Even though there are days that I feel like maybe I should strangle you and I have every right to be angry, somehow you always... perk me up all over again whenever you make me mad.
I'm happy, yet.... well, bittersweet.
thank you 2015.
So, 2015's ending. It's been a bittersweet year, filled with plenty of discoveries and laughter.
Let's start from the top.
I moved 5675miles away from home.
Honestly, I started the year rough. Hoping that whatever that I was going through was about to end while I was here. Basically, my mom and dad are both unfaithful people and they aren't the best parents. If you have known me long enough, I always had a dream to study abroad, simply because I hated the education system in Singapore and I hated how I was viewed as the kid that might have never went into university, so I wanted to prove everyone I knew wrong. And here I am today.
First of all, I met an amazing guy last year, he inspired me to be so much more than I am. He taught me how to be a better person and showed me that I was able to be more that what I perceived myself to be. I didn't know if my relationship was gonna work out with him last year, honestly. I was just foolishly in love with this guy that was treating me really well even though I felt like I didn't deserve all of that. Through the end of the year, he got in university - we were parting ways. A part of me didn't believe my relationship would have worked because I knew I would have needed him next to me, physically. I needed him because I was mentally breaking down when my family was turning into dust right infront of my eyes. I needed my escape route, and going to Melbourne was a definite no from my parents because I was the only daughter and safety was key to my parents even if they were both messed up, so they felt safe only if I had someone looking out for me.... so a chance to study abroad + not going through ldr + escape route: it felt like one of the best decisions of my life.
But sometimes, I feel like this decision that I made was one of the most selfish thing that I have decided, because I left my two younger brother alone in that mess, especially Sean.
Months went by, and through it all - i realized that being by yourself makes you learn so much about yourself. I finally figured what I want in my relationship, what I want in my life, and how I want things to be done. I figured what type of person I was, and you learn to become you because there's no one else to follow or impress. I get to be myself and I finally get to breath.
I realized that I am not as independent as I think I am. I am very emotional. I get hurt very easily just because I'm very sensitive to things that people say. I say sorry even if I feel like I'm not in the wrong. I give in and suck it up to people I care about. I forgive people but I may never treat them the same. I believe that having no intention to hurt is not true. I think that secrets kills relationships. I hold some of my beliefs strongly because my parents have shown me alot. I realized that I'm not as simple as I think I am. I believe that I'm very spoiled and I like being pampered once in awhile.
And the list goes on.
But hey, i stepped out of my comfort zone this year and I'm proud of myself. For those who said I could never live without my parents, I did it. I managed to cook my own food, wash the toilet, vacuum the floor, wash the dishes, do the laundry, fold the clothes, pack the house, do my own groceries. I'm not that spoiled..... to a certain extend. But one big take away, I don't need to prove myself to anyone or to make anyone proud of me, because so long as I know I did it, I'm contented. I know that from other people's eyes, I may always be the little girl, the emotional wrack, the timid one, or even the princess; but I know I did what I never thought I was able to do 5 year ago, or even 1 year ago. I'm doing things that I may have never thought possible.
yes, there were days where I could feel like shit, I felt like things were tough and life was just crap and I could quit university and go find some job that pleases me. On the other hand, I have parents and family to worry about. Living here isn't all that fun when your home is all broken and you have more to worry about. Sometimes, it gets scary, it gets really tough and I do always break down. There is no one time where I don't throw my phone onto the ground or cry after having a conversation with my parents. Afterall, they are the one supporting me through university, and they brought me up. Even though one or the other has done wrong, I can't possibly leave any. I can't pick sides even though they are wrong. I love them both even though there are days that makes me hate them so much. Maybe I do, I just hate their actions. I can honestly say I'm scared to go back home. I'm scared to get pulled into all that drama. I wouldn't know what to do because it feels really scary. People can giving me millions of solutions but that's not what I need, because you won't ever understand what I've been through in the years, and you can't tell me you know how it feels because you know nothing at all. I've always wanted my family to be important to me but it feels like one of the hardest thing to keep close to my heart because it feels like a knife stabbing through when you constantly pull it closer and closer.
this is the part where I thank B, thank you for being by my side through this year, for taking me to the hospital, or having sleepless nights whenever I fall sick and calming me down when I have a panic attack. Thank you for being there for me even though you think that relationships are non reciprocal. I'm happy. I've been a very happy girl since the day I met you, and I'm really glad that you've been holding on to me till today. This year was definitely hard, where we realized that we may have wanted different things, but I'm thankful we pulled through those days. I'm thankful that you tolerated with me and been with me since. Even though there are days that I feel like maybe I should strangle you and I have every right to be angry, somehow you always... perk me up all over again whenever you make me mad.
I'm happy, yet.... well, bittersweet.
thank you 2015.
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