"Not in despair - torn, ripped apart, broken"
They say family's the one that sticks by you through the end. But that one conversation I had with my relatives thorn me down, the day where everyone made the decision where I wasn't good enough for University. The day everyone said I was making the wrong choice in course, the day that everybody said that university isn't what I think it is. But let me ask you, when you step into a university, who exactly is mentally prepared for it? I was crushed, broken, thinking that I found a way to climb up to one day hold a degree in my hands, all faded away because no one believes in me.
Simply because Singapore has the most fucked up education system. We get categorized from the age of 12 because of one exam. Because of that one paper you are bound to never succeed if you fail. Everything else that you do for the next 4 years of your life is already determined where you would end up at because climbing from the bottom to the express stream would have been the hardest thing to do because it's so different.
- well this is my point of view.
I have never felt this blissful feeling, but at the same time empty.
I see everyone at my age doing something they like doing - something or somewhere that they have managed to climb into, yet me? I'm doing nothing about my life.
Working part time at a retail store, and what, holding a diploma certificate that is actually worth nothing because you see, it's a private sector.
Sometimes when everyone loses faith in you, you start losing faith in yourself, and that's how I feel. I'm starting to lose every glimpse of hope that I might actually attain a degree one day. Still that's not the point. I'm just afraid what the future is going to throw at me.
The past two weeks, I had shit going through my family life. The past one week I had my boyfriend back but I gave him lots and lots of tears, because I knew how scary this long distance thing would have been. The worst was when I said "You hold my sanity here, and when you're gone - I don't really know how I would be able to stay calm".
Also, my parents withdrew the idea for paying for my school fees, again - because they don't believe I would have been able to succeed. My mom? She made me do one of the most disgusting things in my life that I would never forgive myself for doing for a promise that I could have gone to NZ smoothly, but look - all lies. She claims she tried, but when you're seated on a table filled with people talking your daughter down and you stood there and watch.
You watched me get blamed, insulted and degraded but you said nothing.
My dad? He agreed, he allowed all to say I wasn't ready for university. He was more than willing to keep me in Singapore because he thinks that his business was sufficient to keep his daughter here, a degree was just a waste of money.
All this time in my life, I tried to prove them wrong, I tried to be that good girl, I tried to study as hard as I could. Score distinctions and merits for all my papers, yet? I am always going to be the black sheep here, because I never did O levels and now, I know I can't do it either.
I'm stubborn yea, but what did you do. You never allowed me to take my Os when I wanted to. You never allowed me to pursue early childhood when that was all I wanted. When I wanted to do a diploma your condition to pay was if I did business and that negotiation became doing Mass Communciations. Did I like it? I had to seat through something I didn't know if I would have done in the future. And now you're blaming me for not doing all those when I was younger yet wasting your money for a diploma that isn't recognizable.
The thing about you guys is you can never admit that it was your fault for making me go through all that and now, I have to realize that I wasted all those times trying to please you when I'm clearly never gonna be good enough.
People say "You have such a happy family why do you wanna leave". Tell me, is this exactly what happiness means? All is this all fear injected into your body. Fear of failing everyone around you. Maybe I have gotten over it, but I'm just tired. I am so tired of living here. And yea, you would think that "cause your boyfriend is in NZ right". I wouldn't deny.
B's in NZ, and yes that's where i wanna be because I would do anything just to be next to him. But this isn't it. I have always wanted to leave and now even if you put me in some other place, I wouldn't mind a single bit because it's the route of escape that I want to head for. I wanna leave because I finally realized that I'm tired, I'm sick of trying to please you or anyone.
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2 minutes to 7000 miles, do I miss him?
yes I do.
I won't deny a single bit, I miss him like crazy it actually blows my mind away. No I don't feel insecure about this relationship, but yes I'm actually scared to see where things might go if I don't have him for the next 3 years. Maybe I would feel better if I'm somewhere else and he's there but so long as I'm here, I can't seem to be able to feel like I would ever be okay.
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now you understand
i don't have a happy family
but all i want is my happy ending
