one

Some days, you would feel like you have no friends
No one to talk to.
And when all that disappointments come rushing in.
Your entire world or system would feel like is falling right in front of your eyes
And you can't do anything about it.

Pathetic isn't it

endings.

don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me, I said you're holding back, he said shut up and dance with me. 

So, 2015's ending. It's been a bittersweet year, filled with plenty of discoveries and laughter.

Let's start from the top.
I moved 5675miles away from home.
Honestly,  I started the year rough. Hoping that whatever that I was going through was about to end while I was here. Basically, my mom and dad are both unfaithful people and they aren't the best parents. If you have known me long enough, I always had a dream to study abroad, simply because I hated the education system in Singapore and I hated how I was viewed as the kid that might have never went into university, so I wanted to prove everyone I knew wrong. And here I am today.

First of all, I met an amazing guy last year, he inspired me to be so much more than I am. He taught me how to be a better person and showed me that I was able to be more that what I perceived myself to be. I didn't know if my relationship was gonna work out with him last year, honestly. I was just foolishly in love with this guy that was treating me really well even though I felt like I didn't deserve all of that. Through the end of the year, he got in university - we were parting ways. A part of me didn't believe my relationship would have worked because I knew I would have needed him next to me, physically. I needed him because I was mentally breaking down when my family was turning into dust right infront of my eyes. I needed my escape route, and going to Melbourne was a definite no from my parents because I was the only daughter and safety was key to my parents even if they were both messed up, so they felt safe only if I had someone looking out for me.... so a chance to study abroad + not going through ldr + escape route: it felt like one of the best decisions of my life.

But sometimes, I feel like this decision that I made was one of the most selfish thing that I have decided, because I left my two younger brother alone in that mess, especially Sean.

Months went by, and through it all - i realized that being by yourself makes you learn so much about yourself. I finally figured what I want in my relationship, what I want in my life, and how I want things to be done. I figured what type of person I was, and you learn to become you because there's no one else to follow or impress. I get to be myself and I finally get to breath.

I realized that I am not as independent as I think I am. I am very emotional. I get hurt very easily just because I'm very sensitive to things that people say. I say sorry even if I feel like I'm not in the wrong. I give in and suck it up to people I care about. I forgive people but I may never treat them the same. I believe that having no intention to hurt is not true. I think that secrets kills relationships. I hold some of my beliefs strongly because my parents have shown me alot. I realized that I'm not as simple as I think I am. I believe that I'm very spoiled and I like being pampered once in awhile.
And the list goes on.

But hey, i stepped out of my comfort zone this year and I'm proud of myself. For those who said I could never live without my parents, I did it. I managed to cook my own food, wash the toilet, vacuum the floor, wash the dishes, do the laundry, fold the clothes, pack the house, do my own groceries. I'm not that spoiled..... to a certain extend. But one big take away, I don't need to prove myself to anyone or to make anyone proud of me, because so long as I know I did it, I'm contented. I know that from other people's eyes, I may always be the little girl, the emotional wrack, the timid one, or even the princess; but I know I did what I never thought I was able to do 5 year ago, or even 1 year ago. I'm doing things that I may have never thought possible.

yes, there were days where I could feel like shit, I felt like things were tough and life was just crap and I could quit university and go find some job that pleases me. On the other hand, I have parents and family to worry about. Living here isn't all that fun when your home is all broken and you have more to worry about. Sometimes, it gets scary, it gets really tough and I do always break down. There is no one time where I don't throw my phone onto the ground or cry after having a conversation with my parents. Afterall, they are the one supporting me through university, and they brought me up. Even though one or the other has done wrong, I can't possibly leave any. I can't pick sides even though they are wrong. I love them both even though there are days that makes me hate them so much. Maybe I do, I just hate their actions. I can honestly say I'm scared to go back home. I'm scared to get pulled into all that drama. I wouldn't know what to do because it feels really scary. People can giving me millions of solutions but that's not what I need, because you won't ever understand what I've been through in the years, and you can't tell me you know how it feels because you know nothing at all. I've always wanted my family to be important to me but it feels like one of the hardest thing to keep close to my heart because it feels like a knife stabbing through when you constantly pull it closer and closer.

this is the part where I thank B, thank you for being by my side through this year, for taking me to the hospital, or having sleepless nights whenever I fall sick and calming me down when I have a panic attack. Thank you for being there for me even though you think that relationships are non reciprocal. I'm happy. I've been a very happy girl since the day I met you, and I'm really glad that you've been holding on to me till today. This year was definitely hard, where we realized that we may have wanted different things, but I'm thankful we pulled through those days. I'm thankful that you tolerated with me and been with me since. Even though there are days that I feel like maybe I should strangle you and I have every right to be angry, somehow you always... perk me up all over again whenever you make me mad.


I'm happy, yet.... well, bittersweet.

thank you 2015.  

state of.....

I'm not mad. Maybe I am beyond mad.
I don't really know what to feel.
I feel lost. I feel unsettled.
I feel like I just ripped the tangibility of trust out of myself.

I say I forgive you, and I do sincerely want to do that. Maybe I just need alittle bit of time, to process what happened and how it all happened.
I hated that all this happened. and I summed it in my head, maybe the only reason why it hurts so much is because I been lied to my entire life, I have relationships that I seen broken down because of lies. I have clear view of my parents lying and see how something gets broken down. I know what lying feels like. And to answer you, I have never ever looked you into the eye and lied to you. If you figured the truth I admit it. But......... hey you didn't. I don't care why you did it, I don't care what the lie was about. I don't fucking care who the best interest was. I care that you lied, you lied to my face.
And I honestly hate you for that, cause you really hurt me this time round. One thing I never thought you would have done because you claimed it was in 'your values'. i can't look you in the face and tell you, I will not doubt anything you say to be ever again. Because fact is, I will doubt. I will think that there might be a possibility that you have the ability to do so. Because hey, you managed to do it, and I congratulate you for having me to believe whatever you said. I know the lie was not big of a deal. But. This is what you capable of.

Maybe I am naive, gullible and stupid. But I do know what it feels like to hurt. And this time, I don't know how to look at you and tell you I would look past this. I don't know how to not cry thinking about it. I feel like utter shit. I feel like crap that you did this. Honestly, I am disappointed in you, and I am even more disappointed in myself for believing that you would never have done this.

detox

Writing to me - is like a sense of detox. I need to get it out of my soul. it clings onto my soul, filled with hatred and disgust. I have two people in this world that I hate - someone that stabs you in the back and someone that looks in you the eye lies to you.

I did an essay about lying in a psychological paper once, figuring if lying was good or bad, whether it was healthy or not. And no, I am not gonna make a big deal of whether my bf did lie to me ever or not. I admit, I been lied to countless of times, I been stabbed in the back for being a bitch so much that I can't even count with my fingers. I haven't been the nicest girl, but I try to be.
you cross my line, i swear, you would pay.

so, i don't care if this goes public or not, but here goes: i had a fucking a friend. i never liked his character, i thought he was the sort of person that needed alittle filtering in his mind before he talked. I felt like he hurt people unintentionally because he didn't know what was crossing the line. His jokes, were the worst, he made things sound so real they could have actually made doubts in your mind and felt a tinge of hatred here and there. Soon, I realized I wasn't the only one that felt like his words were nasty, I felt like he only thought about himself and not others. I felt like, he looked out for himself and saw interest only for himself. pratically, i thought he was fucking self-centered and I never liked him since.
oh btw, I am that girl that is nice to you, but if you cross a single line, I would put you in a state of hell.
see, I was nice. I tried to be. come on, he was my boyfriend's friend, close friend rather - utterly, extremely, really, close. I couldn't do anything. I hated him but i had to like him. At first, it wasn't pretend, I did sincerely treat him as a friend, but when I started suspecting something was up, my instinct told me he was the first to point my fingers to.
Come on, I have the right to be angry here.
I never, ever, fought with my boyfriend over trust. I know when b hides something from me, or when he is lying, Firstly, my boyfriend never, ever, shuns his phone away from me, and when I saw your name was the one who popped up, first instinct - something was up with you. I didn't ask, to the point where I realized he wasn't just hiding your name, he was hiding his financials from me. That was the breaking point, where he started shunning his phone away form me whenever I peeped through. That was not okay. My boyfriend never hid anything from me and it was not okay that he was doing so. Thus, I forced the truth out of him, I tried to investigate in my own head was was going on and summed up the things that he was doing and made a conclusion out of it. I knew what was up, and I confronted b about it. I demanded for the truth, but when he said I was over-reacting, and when we fought, he acted like it was non of my concern. Fair enough, none of my concern? for goodness sake, i am your fucking girlfriend, what can be non of my concern when it does concern you. I mean, who hides things from their girlfriends. Fine, you had your reasons b, i dropped matters. But when I asked the last time, and asked for the truth with you looking into my eye. You said none of my speculations were true. And I gave in, I said Okay and I gave up pursuing it.

Today.
I found out every single truth and honestly. I am mad at you, B. how you are so fucking capable of lying to me, even when you looked into my eyes. It's not a matter of what the lie was about this time. or why you lied. but the point is, you could look into my eyes and tell me you did not do it. You lied straight to my face and I could tell you a million times how much it hurts when someone lies to you.
I have every right to be mad, for the fact that you lied.
but here's the thing that makes me wanna kill your friend, the thing that wants to make me hate your friend so much.

dear xx,
he fucking lied to me to protect you. protect you from me knowing the truth about you. I don't know why my boyfriend said 'knowing me' i would have gave you faces and weird looks. if that reason was legit, if there was some problem somewhere on your side, then why would have gave looks. It's embarassing to get help from someone? fair enough, but why, why ask him to ensure that I would never know. Isn't it more embarrassing that you made us have a week of endless fight and speculations. I was filled with insecurities for two fucking weeks because I didn't know what my boyfriend was hiding from me. and now i find out that it was all because of you. That's not it you know, you fucking lied to my boyfriend, you gave him a shit reason to help you out, and I couldn't know he helped you out? wow, what's more fucked up about you. I don't know what to feel because I can't stand the way you have hurt b, but I can't even stand the fact that you taught him to not tell me the truth because what, protecting your identity than me feeling insecure? what the fuck is wrong with you. i don't even know what to say to you. I feel ashamed to even know you, i don't know who else was cahoots in this shit. but, you? lying to your fucking girlfriend as well? what is wrong with you. if you had the guts to do it, why not admit it. if you genuinely needed help, seek some rather than lying about your fucking problem and seeking all the help out from pity from a secondary source. I hate you so much. I fucking hate you. I'm filled with utter hatred because of you. I hate how you made b believe your fucking story for some sort of help. I hate how you told him to not tell me what was going on.

i can't believe i ever regarded you as a friend and  tried to even look the other way just because you and b are close, i can't believe you're such a sucker and such an asshole. you know what, you literally taught me that some people are not who they perceive to be. they are fucking monsters, genius monsters infact, much disguise, much disgust. you are a fucked up person and I sincerely wish, i have nothing to do with you ever again.


you know what, it hurts being lied to. It hurts even more to know that the person that lied to you was someone that would have never done it. someone that was so dear to you. but it hurts even more knowing that what was being lied about, was lied to as well. i honestly don't know what to feel, the funny thing is, i don't feel so much towards b, maybe because I do understand his situation, but it just sucks knowing that you were capable of looking me in the eye and still lie to me.  

normative

password

Tonight.

I realized that I'm actually really sad.
I realized that I don't have a family.
I realized that nothing will ever be the same

little wanderlust

that urge to do something, well - I made my little bucketlist that I hope I'd one day accomplish. 

I've never been much of a dare devil, first up, I hate heights so someone like me would never do anything that involves jumping from a plane or a cliff. I would probably have a heart failure if I do so though.

I've always wanted to see the world, thus that Singapore Girl dream came alive. I have always longed to open the wanderlust doors within me, but now i'm in Uni, and maybe after I graduate I would try once or twice again, but I know I'm going to see the world before I ever settle down.

Kids are gonna be a burden and I wanna see snow before anything happens. So, I know it's a selfish mindset, but..... what better way to see the world first than to do it after graduation and before settling down. I mean, yes it's selfish but, the thing is if you really like that place, you could add it to the "family trippin' list" otherwise, cross it out.

Well, that's my plan. and with that dream, a large pay check has to come through first. I've that wish to have my passport stamped with all sorts of country stamped onto it though.

Eating the freshest Sashimi in Japan, Visiting Niagara falls in Canada, Shopping till your drop at New York, Smelling the freshest baguette in France, Sitting on the red London bus, Imagine seeing the northern lights in Norway. Well that's my goal.

lets talk about. Me.

Be nice to others, even if they aren't nice to you. 

I think 2k15 has taught me a whole bunch of things, and now we are nearing the end of the year. I'm even planning my 21st birthday!!!!!!!

I like the happy things in life. I could spend hours in an orphanage or talk go to a hospice and spend my birthday there. Actually that would sound ideal. I used to like doing things like that whenever I felt lonely. I felt like socializing was never important in my life, my friends could have easily been an elderly in an old folks home or a orphan kid, or even a dying kid..... yea. That would have been fun. I think that makes me really happy. When I know I've done something in my life to have impact yours. Flowers and chocolates doesn't beat that happiness. It's a different kind of happy that I'm willing to do and I kinda miss doing it back in Singapore.

Well, Singapore....... I'm going back soon! Afew weeks more and it's home. 2015 hasn't been the easiest. Even if people say "erm, but you stay with your boyfriend you're literally living the life". nah - I don't think I've been living my life, I think I kinda jumped onto the clingy boat when I came here. No doubt it's been a big joy, but we do get fights and we aren't labeled an ordinary couple anymore I guess. It's odd yet it's really fun. I've never regretted a day I moved here. Maybe I did, once or twice when we jump into huge huge fights, but I think what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I hope.

It's been tough living out of home. Doing your own laundry, cooking and cleaning your own mess. Literally forcing yourself to do things you hate and have never done in the past 20years of your life. Trust me, I've never worked a vacuum cleaner, the laundry machine or even wash the dishes. I was kinda spoilt though, cause my mom would have told me "don't wash the dishes, your hands will turn wrinkly" so yea..... that's why I never did it. Life's been a big eye opener here. You get to be on your own and it gets fun at times, but home is where the heart is and I do miss home. I miss my friends and that's one of the hardest part to deal with because you think that they would forget you when you're back...... I don't know if they do though. But truth is I do miss them. I miss the food and my dog. I left so many things behind and I really really do miss home.
It isn't the same moving 11 hours away. It honestly does feel like crap sometimes. but i'm getting there.

im getting there............





anyhow, if I had my birthday...... I was thinking an outdoor whimsical tea part at 4pm at Spruce hahaha. I haven't found an ideal place yet, but for now that's what I thought. Otherwise..... i'm kinda out of options.

sometimes

I wish I had a voice, sometimes. 
I wish I could express what I was feeling, freely.
I wish I was never stuck in the bottle of my own emotions.

Taken for granted -
It's what I feel, so, ask yourself, do you? Do you take me as and when you want?
And after this question pops in my head, the next would be:
"Do you think you deserve me?"

In fact, who do I deserve. Part of me tells me that i'm the girl that's too nice, the other side tells me I deserve nothing.

nothing at all.

two ordinary, one extraordinary.

Hi!
I may have never introduced him, but hey, here's Brian. He's mine, oops no. He's my boyfriend. I met him over a year ago, and over a year ago he asked me under the rain "would you be my girlfriend?" and i said "yesssssssssssssssssssssssss". I didn't know what I was getting myself but into, but whatever. Not to side track.
But hey, we are two people living the extraordinary in our life. and no we aren't the ideal couple, infact we could be the strangest kind of couple cause we don't fight, we have deep discussions.

Here we go.
I met him a year ago!!!!!!! and more, but I got together with him a year ago!!!!!!! and i didn't know where things were going, I was scared, if he broke my heart like all the other people that did...... but he hasn't dropped my heart yet despite my weight gain.

It's been a year that we have been together, but it's been 6/7 months we have been living together. I know crazy. It has been craziest 7 months that we have been together. The craziest infact. Yes we are like every ordinary couple, we do fight. It was a piece of cake when we first started out, but honestly we were both scared. I was. I had a huge culture shock and he was gonna see me 24/7. Imagine that.

\Okay I'm going too fast.

So one year ago.
There's two sides to our love story but what everyone knows is, we had the longest lunch date. 6 hours. I sat with a stranger for lunch for 6 hours and ditched my bff for that charismatic smile.
And here goes, I had my first sneak out by going for supper with him. He asked if I wanted to grab some tau huay, and I sneaked cause I wanted to see more of him.
I don't know if he saw something in me, but I wanted to know so much more about him.
Well, cause my parents were out of town so sneaking out was easy and prior to the date my parents were supposed to arrive, he asked me to spend my last night with him at somewhere special.
So I took hopped into his car and took the midnight drive.
Here's my favorite part. So I asked him
W: "what do you look for in a girl?"
B: "Communication"
W: "So have you found someone like that yet?"
B: "Well, there this girl"
B: "She majors in communication and right infront of me"

hahaha ok, that was my favorite. So the subsequent days there wasn't sneaking out for suppers, so we had lunches. And one day after we were done with lunch. He told me
B: "I wanted to do something since the other day, for quite sometime now"
W: "What?"
B: "I want to kiss you"
and the best part was, the moment he said that he shun away cause he was soooooo shy. So i hopped over and stole his kiss.

Well, I knew he was into me cause he grabbed my hand.

So that was relatively how we started.

He's been the most amazing guy I've met. Though he has his complicated days, he's still the best. He cooks for me when I get sick, check my temperature constantly when I'm down with a fever, takes me to the doctor. Cooks for me whatever I crave for. Spoils me once in awhile. Blow dry my hair just because I get lazy. Fetches me around whenever I need it. Dances with me whenever I feel like it. Perks me up whenever I'm down.
He basically takes care of me, and I know he loves me even if he doesn't say it.

It's been a year and I would say it was not easy.
There were times I wanted to give up, fall and just punch him in the face cause he gets annoying and bossy. But truth is, he loves me, and sometimes all that annoying side and whatever he does - there's a reason for it whether I like it or not.

He's the best thing I ever had, and he's someone worth holding on to.
I know there are days that we both feel like beating ourselves up because our relationship do suck sometimes, we can fight.... no we actually have deep disucssions about our relationship, and we talk for hours about it. But that's how we are. We do fight but we still love each other.
We don't know what the future may hold, we don't know if we would be together the following year, but one thing I know is that I'm gonna try. I'm going to want to keep this.
I know I'm going to invest in this relationship till I know I've done enough, but for now. I'm not going to let go. I am going to continue journeying this relationship. I get scared thinking about it cause there's so much to journey and learn about with him, but he's gonna be worth it.

Are you ready B?
Happy Anniversary.

faith

"Are we okay?"
"I don't know" 

It feels like a drought. I feel like I am oblivion to my surroundings. I feel like I'm about to snap but what is the use for snapping.

1 year ago, I fell in love with this guy, a complete stranger. I sat down and had coffee for a good 6 hours and even shifted all my plans for him, and from then on - I had my eyes on him. He was charming, especially with his words. So charismatic and had the right tinge of humor in him. Well, soon after his humor got the better of me, his jokes turned into rough thorns, and me being me, I would think about what his jokes were about and think thoroughly if they were what he really felt, but sometimes jokes don't sound like jokes. I had fun. I was never this happy. I have never been happier through my one year with him. Six months before I moved to NZ, it was definitely still our "honeymoon period" according to everybody, and I never regretted a single day being with him. He, was definitely the guy that made me at my happiest, and I love him.

I have lived with him for 6 months now, and I haven't regretted a day.
Moving here was definitely a big change in our relationship and I wouldn't deny that I moved here not knowing what would happen and only knowing that stranger for six months. Six months and now we are living together, strange but amazing. I liked to be different from the norm, so to me, maybe it was okay to move out, to live with my boyfriend. All the more, my parents were going through that divorce, I was part of the whole mess and I couldn't have been able to swallow and walk away without feeling like crap.

Honestly if you asked me why I moved here, I would say cause I was clingy. I knew that I was going to be different when the divorce blew up in my face, when my parents were both losing it, I was slowly losing my sanity at the same time. I couldn't be home. All I wanted to do was have Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays just to party away to not feel a thing and just skip reality for abit. I knew I was going to be different but I didn't want to be that girl. I had a responsibility, I was someone's girlfriend and I couldn't let lose like that. I didn't want to be that girl, I didn't want to allow myself to be someone I hated, but to me, that was my only route to feeling normal.

When B left, all I did was coped in my room, go for late night suppers or even to party all day without caring about anyone's feelings.

I was selfish I admit that.

And upon that selfish mindset, I decided instead of losing myself, why not keep it but keep it far away from here. So this is why I moved to NZ. I wanted to study, and I did. I wanted to be as far as I could from my family, and I did as well. I just wanted to keep being myself without losing it - and maybe I was too selfish for doing so.

I was tired of my family, all that drama and I hated myself for being involved. I just couldn't love myself anymore, cause I was blamed to let all this happen. If I knew he was coming to Singapore, I should have said something, I should have done something, when I guessed my mom had an affair, I should have did something there instead of allowing things to go on. I hated knowing. I hated them. I hated myself.

And I was alright before all that happened.

I was that girl, the one that could do all things on her own, quiet, and independent. I made sure I did not rely on anyone, not even my boyfriend. I probably had a handful of friends and alot of acquaintance. I could watch a movie alone, go shopping all by myself or sit in a fine dining restaurant just by myself, and it was perfectly fine. I'm that girl that gets socially drained and stop being herself when she's tired. I can't keep up and out with a number of friends 7 days a week and have only 4 hours to be myself. I need my space and I need to recharge to process what my friends said in that particular day or lunch.

I moved here.

And I started accepting what  I did, and loved myself, I became household independent and I started being less of a brat because I was on my own. I thought I became better, more independent domestically and I was happier. All I know, I was very happy, the only thing that brought me down was I knew I needed my socializing life back even though I hated to socialize. I knew I couldn't completely rely on B and I knew that I needed friends, the only problem was I didn't know how to make any. So B was technically, my only friend here. It gets lonely, definitely, I don't get to turn to anyone when I make a mess in my relationship and I am actually forced to sit and think about the next option other than relying for a given option.

We used to fight. And now we fight, maybe we don't fight, we talk. We talk rather seriously that actually becomes really scary. I get scared.

Two nights ago, we had a fight, like  I said, our fights are mere talking, just really serious without the screaming and shouting but alot of crying.

I found out that B saw different personalities in me in Singapore, and that made him think through about who I was. I asked myself the very same day that, and I knew who I was, I just went back to being that brat in Singapore, and I had no idea why. I could blame the weather because it got the better of me, but I'm the only one to blame. I did feel horrible for acting like that, and I didn't know what exactly I was doing, merely. acting. like a brat. And that's not me.

I would do whatever just to have my relationship to scroll right back up, I would do whatever just to keep you by my side. And I know I do get annoying, clingy and most of the time selfish. I snatch your blanket and steal your bathrobes. I act like a kid and get really lazy, but we're both humans, we get lazy and we do get irritating, maybe just me. I want to be the best girlfriend, or rather, I try to be. The only thing that creeps onto my skin is fear, I fear I would lose you one day and I'm not ready for that. I know I do think of our relationship really deep into the future, but I can't help it, I would stop because things only last in the moment, you never know what the future holds.


I'm just that girl that's really into you.

unraveled perception

Sometimes what you think isn't what it is supposed to be, or rather, what you thought shouldn't have been a thought in the first place. I ask myself very frequently, "am I okay?", it's like.... a self check to my weekly self. I need to know I am okay to continue on otherwise I would suffer a mental breakdown half way through the week and just sob on the pillow for an undeserving reason.

I have always been that girl the girl that gets everything going just the way she wants it to go. The girl that was never beaten down hard because of words. I move along with the world, I always believed that if this method doesn't work, try another otherwise if it's too much of a dread, give up and pick a new game to play. And the only time when I lose it all is when I start feeling like it's all my fault, and I'm doing it all wrong. 

I used to be that girl, the one with dreams and goals, to travel the world. That girl that needed her space to zone out and being by myself was the best thing in the world. Well, I shopped along, watch a movie by myself, have dinner/lunch/hightea all alone. I could do without relying on anyone because people fail you eventually. And I kinda miss that life, the one where I felt like I did not need to bring my phone out and just be by myself. I was that girl the one that thought freedom was the most important aspect in life, and there was nothing weird when I didn't have company. I mean, I was completely fine about it. 

I was that girl that believed that friends were the come and go type, there wasn't one to stay and that was why I never bothered keeping in touch or keeping close till I found something meaningful in that friendship. I dread being the first to make conversations and I hate being alone in class yet I contradict myself because I dread making friends. And I still am that girl.

I am that girl that needs her space, but when someone comes really close to me, I would be reliant on that person, I'm that girl whom never ever stands up for herself when something goes wrong, I am that girl that would never shout at you because of the OCDs I have and I would never tell you if I hate you doing something. I'm the girl that cries occasionally because I can feel my heart being pulled out when you say something that could possibly hurt me.

 I'm not your idealistic girl, I'm not someone you want to come close to, I'm filled with danger but so little risk being with. I'm not the girl you could be friends with and think that your jokes don't make me run away, but here's the thing, the scariest thing about me, I wouldn't say a word about what you've done, but if you pushed me to my limit, I would turn away so silently that you would have never expected. I could be your sweetest dream, or possibly the meanest bitch.

I became that girl that knows what I deserve and if I deserve better. 

Have you ever felt like you're the one putting all that effort

Yet you feel like giving up on all of it

Because you were too tired 

Too tired

so silent, yet so bloody

Have you ever tried to write, but all that came out was backspace. you type something and all you do is erase it because sometimes the truth was the hardest to face.

I have hoped for the best, I have been here. I set there wishing everything would be okay. But nothing was okay, nothing will ever be okay, I don't know when this would end but my heart aches everytime I sit here. Everytime I face the reality of what is going on, it hits me.

it hits me so hard.

I am able to sob for hours and hours. I am able to throw myself a pity party.
I can crack my head so hard,

Such big love

He sprinkles stardust on my pillowcase for a goodnight sleep, he kisses me on the forehead after every good night sleep. He's more than just my boyfriend, he's someone really special. 

Yes, I admit I'm really clingy, sometimes, or most of time, and the fact that I talk a lot or I'm relatively weird sometimes. But he loves me still, and I know he does. 

I've never felt as though someone could love me, that much. I've never thought anyone would have allowed me to be myself, frankly, I'm weird most of the time, and I'm spoilt in the various of ways, and I'm someone that's not easy to get along with. 

I admit I'm socially selective and I get hurt really easily because I get extremely sensitive. I know I would always deny it but deep down, I know I am. I know I can be the worst person to hold a conversation with, or I can bore you with my sad stories about life, but I can be really open about life too. 

The moment you get to know me and I find something special about you and I got a good feeling about the relationship we are gonna have, I would speak my mind out, I'd tell you things about me that you could never guess. 

And that's me. 

I get really quiet, I cry for the smallest reason, I get angry and swallow it down, I get extremely bitchy if we go on the wrong foot, I zone out when you stop talking, I like talking about what you're doing and I like probing into your life, I talk a lot when you're something, I laugh at the weirdest reasons even if you don't find it funny,  I can be myself if you stay yourself when you're with me. 

But, with B, well, I don't swallow when I get angry, I spill it out after processing for an hour or two. I get up with my eyes closed to toast a bread for him in the wee hours. I do the most unusual/unexpected of myself, willingly. I learn how to love myself, and believe that I'm something.

Though he tells me, "you're such work". I know he loves me, I know he still appreciates the smallest things I do. I know he still cares and wouldn't stop loving me even though I'm such a mess sometimes, or like he says most of the time. 

I've never thought I'd have met a guy that would have danced with me when my favorite song starts playing on the radio, simply jamming in the craziest ways on the couch while the song shuffles on iTunes. 

I never thought that I could have deserved a guy like him, I thought he was out of my league. Come on, good looking, utterly charming, smirking with words, knowing how to perk a girl up, staying by her while she has cramps - tell me, how is he not the best boyfriend one could ask for? 

When I was at my lowest, all he did was sit there and hug me tight. And he told me it will all be alright. And everytime  he tells me it's going to be okay, it assured me and I know it's going to be okay because B believes in it, and I would try to catch that glimpse of hope in it too. 

I might be a mess, I might be one of the hardest person to deal with, not the most domesticated girl, very spoilt, a big shopperholic, too bitchy sometimes, the biggest hypocrite, utterly stubborn and very very annoying. But I can be really really nice. Or at least I try to be.... I would love you, I'd love you just the way you love me with alittle more. And that's why I love you B. Somehow, your utterly mean talks, makes me love you more, you make me a better person, you help me turn into someone I never thought I'd have became. You taught me what tough love meant, and you... Made me learn what it means to love someone whole heartedly. 

I can't tell you how special he is to me, cause you might want him too haha (I'm kidding), but really, I can't find the right words to say what I really feel like when I'm around him, magic, maybe? 

I actually never thought I'd have loved someone else so much, I actually thought no one was going to love me with his entire self. 

I love you B, thank you for being the best. 

pretty girl

I always ask myself, "am I pretty?" and it's okay if I know I'm not, it's okay if I can feel like I ain't pretty at all. I wish I was, definitely. But it hits you only when you start wondering to yourself "am I pretty, enough for him?". And it haunts you, it makes you feel like crap, it makes you think as though you don't know if you are good enough or not, pretty enough or not. 

He tells me my size doesn't matter. 
but it does. It matters alot. I tried to brush the fact that I gained a good 15kg from the moment I met him, and I don't blame him for that 15kg, simply because I was too comfortable that 15kg felt okay. I used to be scared, come on, I worked in A&F, and it's a fact that size did matter. Working there already made me feel like the biggest sized person in the store, and that was okay, it was easy to lose that amount of weight when people around you are all size 2. It was never okay to be a size 4.
The moment I saw a layer of fats sticking out of my waist when I wore that size 2 jeans, I freaked out.

I knew I wasn't size 2, I knew my jeans size was not going to be 27 anymore, Yes I freaked out.

Here's the triggering point.

I met him when I was size 2, yes B says it doesn't matter, and I try to not let it matter. I mean, I used to be that size (the one in my layout photo). Well, it was horrid, the way I lost that amount of weight was tragic and really unhealthy. I was definitely psychotic, obsessed over my weight and running through the syndrome of low self esteem. That's when I met B, while I was still obsessed but definitely better.

and after being in new zealand for the longest period, I feel like utter crap.
i feel like i ain't good enough and I hate looking at the mirror.
i hate feeling like the biggest person around and I hate looking like this. It makes you feel like you hate yourself so much because of the way you look and it's horrid to look at the mirror.
I would wonder, if you can look at the mirror of yourself that way, what would others think, what would he feel, and what would he think. 
I feel like utter crap

It's disgusting, I feel disgusting.

Was bothering overboard?

When a joke turns into that one torturing thought;

Am I being a burden or an annoyance to you?

"maybe it's time you move out" 

Well - I've always thought of that as a joke, but when he mentioned it last night, it didn't feel so much like a joke. It wasn't the first time he said it at such a mood anyway, so was I being a bug? 

Since day 1 when I arrived, I told myself I wouldn't let him sleep on the couch under my watch because it was... Bad for the back I'd claim. So, whenever he was falling asleep I'd drag him to the bed. The first few months was annoying, very annoying. I didn't know if he had things to do or not, cause he would have told me "no i am not gonna sleep" or "I've things to do", but when I tried to get him out of bed at 2300, he would turn all grumpy, and I got used to that. I just didn't know what to do, like should I have let him sleep the night through and switch off the living room lights, but what if he gets upset at me the next morning because I didn't get him up? Trust me, when he tells me "10 more minutes" it's never 10 minutes. 

This went on, and on and on, so from trying to get him up to bath, to deciding to just change his clothes to sleep comfortably. But now, on certain nights where he told me he didn't want to go to bed yet when I knew he was awfully tired, I would just drag him to bed without hesitation, and this is where I thought the annoying side of me came across to him. 

As in, I wanna sleep too. As much as I tell him that and he tells me "just sleep la", I can't. I need to be sure he's in bed, comfortably. I can't go to bed knowing my boyfriend isn't next to me or isn't sleeping comfortably. I do this because I don't want him to wake up the next morning feeling regretful over something he didn't do the night before. 

I tend to imagine all the time - what if he has to do this or that, so maybe I should get him up. But the thing is. He doesn't want to wake up, and when he's tired, he gives me a bunch of bullshit and infact scolds me without knowing exactly what he's talking about. Because the next morning I would actually tell him "you were really rude last night for saying ....." And he wouldn't know that he said such a thing. This would be able to go on and on, and I would get used to it. Because all I wanna do is off the damn lights in the living room, but I don't know if I should.

I can't help to wonder if he has something on or not but he gets all grouchy when I ask him or gives me the crap where he needs 5 minutes more when that 5 minutes never ever comes. I don't know if he is really pissed at me or he is just sleep talking. I don't know. 

So tonight, he said maybe it's time you move out, and I thought I was passing the line. Because all he wanted was to shower, but it was already midnight and he's eyelids could not even be lifted up, I couldn't have let him sleep on the sofa cause I wanted to go into the bedroom already and when he reached the bed, I kept bugging him to sleep properly because he was sleep sideways and dozing off while scrolling through facebook, but still he claimed he wanted to have a shower, but after 30 minutes he was half dozing off on the bed, and was awfully stubborn because he was so insistent on showering when I knew he was too tired to do it. 

Well I don't know. Maybe it's just me, but telling me maybe it's time I moved out when all I did was trying to get him to have a better sleep, was i or have I been such a horrible girlfriend that he doesn't want me around? Simply maybe too annoying for him. 

Yea, he loves me but this is where compromising gets hard, I want him to sleep comfortably but he procrastinates doing what he needs to do and falls asleep either way.

And it made me wonder, did he really meant it when he said "I think it's time you moved out". 

and sometimes you can't help but to wonder was it their fault or yours.

yours - because you couldn't blend in, because you couldn't make the effort to be their friend because all you did was just helplessly sitting there and being by yourself. because you know what friends do to you, they eventually run off somewhere else after they are done with you.

ya that's why i don't bother making friends
cause i think that everyone comes to you for a reason and that's fucked up. i can't help to think if i am an actual burden or an actual friend to that one person. I can't help but to feel all this, but look. when you don't make a friend table turns and it's your fault
 it's your fault you never made a friend, its not their fault for not asking you out for a meal

it's your fault, it's your fucking fault for being such a burden
it's my fucking fault for not being able to open that bloody mouth of mine.

xx, you.

"if you don't talk to me, who are you going to talk to?"

- precisely, no one. 

Words don't have enough power to show you my gratitude - for taking care of me on sick days, making sure i'm okay on days with cramps, cooking dinner when I start rumbling, taking me out on grocery shopping, praying for me when I wasn't well (yes i know you did) and making me laugh at the silliest jokes. (yes you still do make me laugh).

I have never been happier, and I will never ask for more cause you're more than enough and I am more than blessed, very contented indeed. B, you're the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I know that there are nights I rumble and irritate you, cry over spiders in the shower and have bad days or rant it all out on you, I know I may not be the best when it comes to "housewife material" but I'm trying. Yeah, I may sound terrible when I say "i have never done the dishes for twenty years of my life and my fingers are wrinkling and hands are turning rough" or "I don't know how to do the laundry..." but i'm willing to learn all of that, and make myself less of a burden and more of someone more useful at home.... hehe. I said it once before, and I will say it again: I will do all that dishes even if my hands starts turning rough, because I know you are still going to hold on to me. You're too special B, and when I say "I can't imagine not being with you", I really can't. I may sound like the overly attached girlfriend or someone too clingy, but that's what you are to me, that's how much you mean to me.

I get that question quite frequent, "Why B, what makes him so special", it's everything about him, the way he dances in the middle of the room and the way he smiles at me across the table everytime we have a meal. He makes my stomach filled with butterflies when we go on dates, dress nicely and have the best night we are supposed to have. The way he makes me a better person, or less bitchy. The way he tells me things when he thinks it's not right, the way he corrects me when I'm wrong. He doesn't care about what the world thinks, but it's our own judgement, not theirs.

It's been 2 months here, and if you asked me why I came to New Zealand, I'd say I wanted to be nearer to him, and yea, I needed somewhere to start a pre-degree program so I thought killing two birds would be easier - moving in with him and studying. I don't know what I would do for semester two, but right now, it feels right at least. with my life at least, I'm getting the hang of being here, and being around you seems more than...... hahaha you get what I mean. 

i love you, b. 

for constantly pushing me to my limits. 

waves

"Not in despair - torn, ripped apart, broken" 

They say family's the one that sticks by you through the end. But that one conversation I had with my relatives thorn me down, the day where everyone made the decision where I wasn't good enough for University. The day everyone said I was making the wrong choice in course, the day that everybody said that university isn't what I think it is. But let me ask you, when you step into a university, who exactly is mentally prepared for it? I was crushed, broken, thinking that I found a way to climb up to one day hold a degree in my hands, all faded away because no one believes in me.

Simply because Singapore has the most fucked up education system. We get categorized from the age of 12 because of one exam. Because of that one paper you are bound to never succeed if you fail. Everything else that you do for the next 4 years of your life is already determined where you would end up at because climbing from the bottom to the express stream would have been the hardest thing to do because it's so different. 
- well this is my point of view.

I have never felt this blissful feeling, but at the same time empty.
I see everyone at my age doing something they like doing - something or somewhere that they have managed to climb into, yet me? I'm doing nothing about my life.
Working part time at a retail store, and what, holding a diploma certificate that is actually worth nothing because you see, it's a private sector.

Sometimes when everyone loses faith in you, you start losing faith in yourself, and that's how I feel. I'm starting to lose every glimpse of hope that I might actually attain a degree one day. Still that's not the point. I'm just afraid what the future is going to throw at me.

The past two weeks, I had shit going through my family life. The past one week I had my boyfriend back but I gave him lots and lots of tears, because I knew how scary this long distance thing would have been. The worst was when I said "You hold my sanity here, and when you're gone - I don't really know how I would be able to stay calm".

Also, my parents withdrew the idea for paying for my school fees, again - because they don't believe I would have been able to succeed. My mom? She made me do one of the most disgusting things in my life that I would never forgive myself for doing for a promise that I could have gone to NZ smoothly, but look - all lies. She claims she tried, but when you're seated on a table filled with people talking your daughter down and you stood there and watch.

You watched me get blamed, insulted and degraded but you said nothing.

My dad? He agreed, he allowed all to say I wasn't ready for university. He was more than willing to keep me in Singapore because he thinks that his business was sufficient to keep his daughter here, a degree was just a waste of money.

All this time in my life, I tried to prove them wrong, I tried to be that good girl, I tried to study as hard as I could. Score distinctions and merits for all my papers, yet? I am always going to be the black sheep here, because I never did O levels and now, I know I can't do it either.

I'm stubborn yea, but what did you do. You never allowed me to take my Os when I wanted to. You never allowed me to pursue early childhood when that was all  I wanted. When I wanted to do a diploma your condition to pay was if I did business and that negotiation became doing Mass Communciations. Did I like it? I had to seat through something I didn't know if I would have done in the future. And now you're blaming me for not doing all those when I was younger yet wasting your money for a diploma that isn't recognizable.

The thing about you guys is you can never admit that it was your fault for making me go through all that and now, I have to realize that I wasted all those times trying to please you when I'm clearly never gonna be good enough.

People say "You have such a happy family why do you wanna leave". Tell me, is this exactly what happiness means? All is this all fear injected into your body. Fear of failing everyone around you. Maybe I have gotten over it, but I'm just tired. I am so tired of living here. And yea, you would think that "cause your boyfriend is in NZ right". I wouldn't deny.

B's in NZ, and yes that's where i wanna be because I would do anything just to be next to him. But this isn't it. I have always wanted to leave and now even if you put me in some other place, I wouldn't mind a single bit because it's the route of escape that I want to head for. I wanna leave because I finally realized that I'm tired, I'm sick of trying to please you or anyone.

-

2 minutes to 7000 miles, do I miss him?
 yes I do.

I won't deny a single bit, I miss him like crazy it actually blows my mind away. No I don't feel insecure about this relationship, but yes I'm actually scared to see where things might go if I don't have him for the next 3 years. Maybe I would feel better if I'm somewhere else and he's there but so long as I'm here, I can't seem to be able to feel like I would ever be okay.



-

now you understand
i don't have a happy family
but all i want is my happy ending