I'm not mad. Maybe I am beyond mad.
I don't really know what to feel.
I feel lost. I feel unsettled.
I feel like I just ripped the tangibility of trust out of myself.
I say I forgive you, and I do sincerely want to do that. Maybe I just need alittle bit of time, to process what happened and how it all happened.
I hated that all this happened. and I summed it in my head, maybe the only reason why it hurts so much is because I been lied to my entire life, I have relationships that I seen broken down because of lies. I have clear view of my parents lying and see how something gets broken down. I know what lying feels like. And to answer you, I have never ever looked you into the eye and lied to you. If you figured the truth I admit it. But......... hey you didn't. I don't care why you did it, I don't care what the lie was about. I don't fucking care who the best interest was. I care that you lied, you lied to my face.
And I honestly hate you for that, cause you really hurt me this time round. One thing I never thought you would have done because you claimed it was in 'your values'. i can't look you in the face and tell you, I will not doubt anything you say to be ever again. Because fact is, I will doubt. I will think that there might be a possibility that you have the ability to do so. Because hey, you managed to do it, and I congratulate you for having me to believe whatever you said. I know the lie was not big of a deal. But. This is what you capable of.
Maybe I am naive, gullible and stupid. But I do know what it feels like to hurt. And this time, I don't know how to look at you and tell you I would look past this. I don't know how to not cry thinking about it. I feel like utter shit. I feel like crap that you did this. Honestly, I am disappointed in you, and I am even more disappointed in myself for believing that you would never have done this.
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
detox
Writing to me - is like a sense of detox. I need to get it out of my soul. it clings onto my soul, filled with hatred and disgust. I have two people in this world that I hate - someone that stabs you in the back and someone that looks in you the eye lies to you.
I did an essay about lying in a psychological paper once, figuring if lying was good or bad, whether it was healthy or not. And no, I am not gonna make a big deal of whether my bf did lie to me ever or not. I admit, I been lied to countless of times, I been stabbed in the back for being a bitch so much that I can't even count with my fingers. I haven't been the nicest girl, but I try to be.
you cross my line, i swear, you would pay.
so, i don't care if this goes public or not, but here goes: i had a fucking a friend. i never liked his character, i thought he was the sort of person that needed alittle filtering in his mind before he talked. I felt like he hurt people unintentionally because he didn't know what was crossing the line. His jokes, were the worst, he made things sound so real they could have actually made doubts in your mind and felt a tinge of hatred here and there. Soon, I realized I wasn't the only one that felt like his words were nasty, I felt like he only thought about himself and not others. I felt like, he looked out for himself and saw interest only for himself. pratically, i thought he was fucking self-centered and I never liked him since.
oh btw, I am that girl that is nice to you, but if you cross a single line, I would put you in a state of hell.
see, I was nice. I tried to be. come on, he was my boyfriend's friend, close friend rather - utterly, extremely, really, close. I couldn't do anything. I hated him but i had to like him. At first, it wasn't pretend, I did sincerely treat him as a friend, but when I started suspecting something was up, my instinct told me he was the first to point my fingers to.
Come on, I have the right to be angry here.
I never, ever, fought with my boyfriend over trust. I know when b hides something from me, or when he is lying, Firstly, my boyfriend never, ever, shuns his phone away from me, and when I saw your name was the one who popped up, first instinct - something was up with you. I didn't ask, to the point where I realized he wasn't just hiding your name, he was hiding his financials from me. That was the breaking point, where he started shunning his phone away form me whenever I peeped through. That was not okay. My boyfriend never hid anything from me and it was not okay that he was doing so. Thus, I forced the truth out of him, I tried to investigate in my own head was was going on and summed up the things that he was doing and made a conclusion out of it. I knew what was up, and I confronted b about it. I demanded for the truth, but when he said I was over-reacting, and when we fought, he acted like it was non of my concern. Fair enough, none of my concern? for goodness sake, i am your fucking girlfriend, what can be non of my concern when it does concern you. I mean, who hides things from their girlfriends. Fine, you had your reasons b, i dropped matters. But when I asked the last time, and asked for the truth with you looking into my eye. You said none of my speculations were true. And I gave in, I said Okay and I gave up pursuing it.
Today.
I found out every single truth and honestly. I am mad at you, B. how you are so fucking capable of lying to me, even when you looked into my eyes. It's not a matter of what the lie was about this time. or why you lied. but the point is, you could look into my eyes and tell me you did not do it. You lied straight to my face and I could tell you a million times how much it hurts when someone lies to you.
I have every right to be mad, for the fact that you lied.
but here's the thing that makes me wanna kill your friend, the thing that wants to make me hate your friend so much.
dear xx,
he fucking lied to me to protect you. protect you from me knowing the truth about you. I don't know why my boyfriend said 'knowing me' i would have gave you faces and weird looks. if that reason was legit, if there was some problem somewhere on your side, then why would have gave looks. It's embarassing to get help from someone? fair enough, but why, why ask him to ensure that I would never know. Isn't it more embarrassing that you made us have a week of endless fight and speculations. I was filled with insecurities for two fucking weeks because I didn't know what my boyfriend was hiding from me. and now i find out that it was all because of you. That's not it you know, you fucking lied to my boyfriend, you gave him a shit reason to help you out, and I couldn't know he helped you out? wow, what's more fucked up about you. I don't know what to feel because I can't stand the way you have hurt b, but I can't even stand the fact that you taught him to not tell me the truth because what, protecting your identity than me feeling insecure? what the fuck is wrong with you. i don't even know what to say to you. I feel ashamed to even know you, i don't know who else was cahoots in this shit. but, you? lying to your fucking girlfriend as well? what is wrong with you. if you had the guts to do it, why not admit it. if you genuinely needed help, seek some rather than lying about your fucking problem and seeking all the help out from pity from a secondary source. I hate you so much. I fucking hate you. I'm filled with utter hatred because of you. I hate how you made b believe your fucking story for some sort of help. I hate how you told him to not tell me what was going on.
i can't believe i ever regarded you as a friend and tried to even look the other way just because you and b are close, i can't believe you're such a sucker and such an asshole. you know what, you literally taught me that some people are not who they perceive to be. they are fucking monsters, genius monsters infact, much disguise, much disgust. you are a fucked up person and I sincerely wish, i have nothing to do with you ever again.
you know what, it hurts being lied to. It hurts even more to know that the person that lied to you was someone that would have never done it. someone that was so dear to you. but it hurts even more knowing that what was being lied about, was lied to as well. i honestly don't know what to feel, the funny thing is, i don't feel so much towards b, maybe because I do understand his situation, but it just sucks knowing that you were capable of looking me in the eye and still lie to me.
I did an essay about lying in a psychological paper once, figuring if lying was good or bad, whether it was healthy or not. And no, I am not gonna make a big deal of whether my bf did lie to me ever or not. I admit, I been lied to countless of times, I been stabbed in the back for being a bitch so much that I can't even count with my fingers. I haven't been the nicest girl, but I try to be.
you cross my line, i swear, you would pay.
so, i don't care if this goes public or not, but here goes: i had a fucking a friend. i never liked his character, i thought he was the sort of person that needed alittle filtering in his mind before he talked. I felt like he hurt people unintentionally because he didn't know what was crossing the line. His jokes, were the worst, he made things sound so real they could have actually made doubts in your mind and felt a tinge of hatred here and there. Soon, I realized I wasn't the only one that felt like his words were nasty, I felt like he only thought about himself and not others. I felt like, he looked out for himself and saw interest only for himself. pratically, i thought he was fucking self-centered and I never liked him since.
oh btw, I am that girl that is nice to you, but if you cross a single line, I would put you in a state of hell.
see, I was nice. I tried to be. come on, he was my boyfriend's friend, close friend rather - utterly, extremely, really, close. I couldn't do anything. I hated him but i had to like him. At first, it wasn't pretend, I did sincerely treat him as a friend, but when I started suspecting something was up, my instinct told me he was the first to point my fingers to.
Come on, I have the right to be angry here.
I never, ever, fought with my boyfriend over trust. I know when b hides something from me, or when he is lying, Firstly, my boyfriend never, ever, shuns his phone away from me, and when I saw your name was the one who popped up, first instinct - something was up with you. I didn't ask, to the point where I realized he wasn't just hiding your name, he was hiding his financials from me. That was the breaking point, where he started shunning his phone away form me whenever I peeped through. That was not okay. My boyfriend never hid anything from me and it was not okay that he was doing so. Thus, I forced the truth out of him, I tried to investigate in my own head was was going on and summed up the things that he was doing and made a conclusion out of it. I knew what was up, and I confronted b about it. I demanded for the truth, but when he said I was over-reacting, and when we fought, he acted like it was non of my concern. Fair enough, none of my concern? for goodness sake, i am your fucking girlfriend, what can be non of my concern when it does concern you. I mean, who hides things from their girlfriends. Fine, you had your reasons b, i dropped matters. But when I asked the last time, and asked for the truth with you looking into my eye. You said none of my speculations were true. And I gave in, I said Okay and I gave up pursuing it.
Today.
I found out every single truth and honestly. I am mad at you, B. how you are so fucking capable of lying to me, even when you looked into my eyes. It's not a matter of what the lie was about this time. or why you lied. but the point is, you could look into my eyes and tell me you did not do it. You lied straight to my face and I could tell you a million times how much it hurts when someone lies to you.
I have every right to be mad, for the fact that you lied.
but here's the thing that makes me wanna kill your friend, the thing that wants to make me hate your friend so much.
dear xx,
he fucking lied to me to protect you. protect you from me knowing the truth about you. I don't know why my boyfriend said 'knowing me' i would have gave you faces and weird looks. if that reason was legit, if there was some problem somewhere on your side, then why would have gave looks. It's embarassing to get help from someone? fair enough, but why, why ask him to ensure that I would never know. Isn't it more embarrassing that you made us have a week of endless fight and speculations. I was filled with insecurities for two fucking weeks because I didn't know what my boyfriend was hiding from me. and now i find out that it was all because of you. That's not it you know, you fucking lied to my boyfriend, you gave him a shit reason to help you out, and I couldn't know he helped you out? wow, what's more fucked up about you. I don't know what to feel because I can't stand the way you have hurt b, but I can't even stand the fact that you taught him to not tell me the truth because what, protecting your identity than me feeling insecure? what the fuck is wrong with you. i don't even know what to say to you. I feel ashamed to even know you, i don't know who else was cahoots in this shit. but, you? lying to your fucking girlfriend as well? what is wrong with you. if you had the guts to do it, why not admit it. if you genuinely needed help, seek some rather than lying about your fucking problem and seeking all the help out from pity from a secondary source. I hate you so much. I fucking hate you. I'm filled with utter hatred because of you. I hate how you made b believe your fucking story for some sort of help. I hate how you told him to not tell me what was going on.
i can't believe i ever regarded you as a friend and tried to even look the other way just because you and b are close, i can't believe you're such a sucker and such an asshole. you know what, you literally taught me that some people are not who they perceive to be. they are fucking monsters, genius monsters infact, much disguise, much disgust. you are a fucked up person and I sincerely wish, i have nothing to do with you ever again.
you know what, it hurts being lied to. It hurts even more to know that the person that lied to you was someone that would have never done it. someone that was so dear to you. but it hurts even more knowing that what was being lied about, was lied to as well. i honestly don't know what to feel, the funny thing is, i don't feel so much towards b, maybe because I do understand his situation, but it just sucks knowing that you were capable of looking me in the eye and still lie to me.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
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