Rant.

I've no idea how to put words into my mind into a much nicer way, cause there's no other way to phrase it than to be blunt about it.

GIRLS.
omg, what's up with the current generation of people, I mean probably that includes people MY age too. It's like, who are you guys striving to be the "oh-so-popualr" or trying to attain fame from all over. Some things aren't supposed to be you, I mean, why can't you just be yourself? Why die for 200 likes or to look hipster and in trend? In the most pathetic term I'd phrase it, it's like attention seeking. I'd probably never forget the day how someone was expecting me to say "eh you lost weight".
Well yeah, certain people are famous, certain people are pretty, certain people are skinny, and let's welcome reality where the term of certain people category does not fall in place for you, you're not skinny nor pretty, famous nor trendy. I mean, it doesn't mean that since some girls got popular through a certain line they tweeted or how they act in public, or even got popular overnight through blogging a really good post. YOU'RE NOT THAT FUCKING PERSON.

Ok this is getting me really pissed whenever I think of that certain someone, and here goes -
Truth be told, I thought you were someone that was stealing my identity, suddenly from the girl who was never weight deprived or never loved shopping to someone whom suddenly had the same diet plan, same clothing style, same hobby - kinda what the fuck you know especially liking the same things as you. Okay I've kinda forgotten all about those stealing identity stuff, but honestly, now you're turning to a mainstream stuck up bitch? Why oh why.


To the other mainstream girls out there:
Why the fuck do you wanna be famous, why do you want to attain fame through overnight or so by doing stupid things. Seriously, why act so main stream nowadays, I mean, when I was 13 I couldn't even be bothered to live a night life. LIKE SERIOUSLY.

O-hana.

I wonder why my mind wanders so much within, 

It floats from one end to the other.

Thinking about the incapability of the human kind, 

but worrying is the only thing I know how to do right now.

Then maybe the "ifs" that ran through my mind were gone,

I wonder what would happen to me next.

I've always told others, "be glad that your parents actually have family dinner and so with you, be glad that they show you they love you by giving you hugs and kisses, be glad that they're always there for you. Well, mine gives me money with no time" - and I've always gotten the same reaction, "woah, if I can i'd prefer money". Trust me, I've always wanted my parents time, it's like the best thing I could have asked from them, you wanna know the deepest secret I could possibly reveal, I've never i mean, never once stepped into town for quality time with my family, well except my dad's birthday for some dinner -  so that's like once a year? Haha. 

If you never knew, my parents are like.... one of the strictest asses in the world. I've never met any parent worst than mine, okay maybe I'd speak about my Dad, I've never met anyone like him - really, somehow when I grew up, I felt like he was the worst dad I could have ever had, I felt like all he has given to me was money, when I became rebellious even for alittle, he'd have taken everything away from me and told me "this is my house, I do what I want with it". It made me feel like I had nothing, for my 18 years living here, I felt - I felt like nothing was mine - so if anyone ever asked why I worked when I could have everything I wanted, it was because I felt like I couldn't have anything I wanted cause even the little savings I had from the allowance he gave, it was still his. Trust me, I hated that, I hated every bit of it. 

You know what's the worst part, hahaha I'm 18 and the freedom I get is as good as a 16 year old - and mind you, I don't have a curfew, I just get really screwed if I don't report my whereabouts - My parents once told me they'd hire a PI just to keep a look out on me on who I was meeting. Who wouldn't have hated their parents if they did that, simply by reading between the lines it was as good as saying "I don't trust you, I don't trust what you're doing and I don't trust anyone you hang out with". Aw, i hated that, but I love my parents. So I was alittle caught in the middle. Oh, here's another good part, they never, or don't allow me to get a boyfriend but I'm able to date whoever they introduce me to. thumbs up for them. 

As time went by, I grew to dislike what they did, dislike every bit of what they have made me go through. I hated it, I wanted to be a rebel, but it wasn't in me, It wasn't in me to defy their every yes and no(s). I couldn't defy, I was never brought up to defy, as much as they pictured me as the perfect girl, I was never the perfect girl and I hated it. - the fact that they pictured me to be all perfect made it even worst, cause I was supposed to be someone I wasn't. 

Up till today, my parents are still as money-minded people as ever, but one thing I realized was because that was the way they function, they believe that without money you're nothing - to a certain extend it's true you're nothing without money - they believe that money is a high reason why relationships dysfunction all the time, but one thing I realized was they do love me, they're over protective people cause they're both broken people and they don't want their only daughter to go through the same path they went through, // she doesn't want me to date someone like him cause // he doesn't want me me to take her path down. Overprotective, but they do love me. I might take forever to forgive what they've down to make me feel so unloved feel like I was never enough for them because I was never that perfect daughter that they wanted, yes I did rebel, I found all ways to be someone they never wanted me to become. They aren't the greatest parents, but they're my parents and they've sheltered me for 18years, 18 years taking my nonsense that some people couldn't even have taken for 2 months. As much as they've failed me, as much as they haven't been the greatest, as much as I've compared them to others, I've them, and they're the ones that would have my back forever. 

-

right now, I'm paranoid, paranoid over what may happened, I function like this, right now I know if all the 'ifs' were gone, I would not know what to do, I know i'd be the biggest dysfunctional person there is to live, but i"d be fine, this paranoia would go away, and I'd be fine. 

yes it sucks but i'd be fine. 

Beautiful Creation

"Memories were never created to destroy you" 

"Yet it's destroying me" 

"Somehow I wished I never had a memory" 

I fell in love with you,
I don't know how.
I don't know why.
I just did.

There's a girl in the corner,

with tears stain down her eyes

from the place she's wondered

and the shame she can't hide

and she said

"how did I get here, i'm not who I once was"

You're more than the choice you've made, 

You're more than your past mistakes.

I fell in love. I'm falling in love.

I ask myself all the time - why do I perceive myself from a far like as though I'm leading a really sad life, why isit that I feel that I'm just plain messed up and I've no hope in any of this cause even if I find hope I'd eventually mess it up again, I ask myself why. It's just sad to see yourself so helpless, like you can't find anything else to save your own soul. 

I do blame others, I blame people for taking my sanity, killing my soul every night, turning my dreams to eventual nightmares, making me feel like i'm worth nothing. Again, isit wrong to be such a feeler? I don't mean to be so messed up, but sometimes, messed up is the only description I'm able to find for myself. 

I am contradicting, I say things and mean the opposite. 

I find all ways to avoid emotional conversations.

I find all ways to skip reality. 

I find all ways to feel like I'm non existence. 

It's horrifying to realize so much about yourself at one moment, to figure out that you know nothing about yourself, to feel like when it's all coming back to you, you're going mad. I was better than this/ I never wanted to feel any of this.  I hate being a feeler, I hate feeling so much, I hate being so alone. It's weird huh, from the girl you knew back 2 years, she had everything, all the friends she wanted, all the lovers she needed, to a girl who has became, nothing. Someone asked me, was it so hard to admit that you're feeling so alone, and yeah, it's the hardest thing I've done to come upfront with myself to actually confessed how lonely I felt because I could count the number of people I had by my fingers and it never reached 5, that's how scary I felt, I felt like I was losing everyone, I felt like I didn't have anyone any longer, and if you were me how would you feel? From everything to nothing, to gaining everything, to nothing. 

A year ago, I thought everything would have been different, honestly, I never thought I'd have survived the year, I never thought so many things could have happened. It's not the perfect picture I would have seen in myself, but i'm here, I'm here still, I found that silliness in life was something that you ought to never lose. As much as you wished I was gone, I'm gone from your life. I learnt how it was to pick yourself up and start moving again, I found someone special. I finally realized that being unfair to yourself is the last thing that you should be doing, cause you deserve more than this. 

Can't even,

"type an entire paragraph and back space it - going back to that same blank page for a good ten times"

It's funny how when something emotional happens in your life, you'd be able to go on and on about it, telling people what went wrong by going in circles about the situation but never wanting to go into the situation to try solving it. Subsequently you feel like you've been running around your own circle and suddenly you get really tired of it, feeling like you were making everyone feel like you're simply gaining their attention by telling them what went wrong and repeating the story over and over again just that each time it's in different tone and different words, or maybe different emotions too. 

I've been relatively fine, fine because it's one heck of a new season to be entering, but again, I've been running around the same issue but not touching it. 



-

Sometimes, I find myself contradicting what I talk about, telling someone one thing and refusing to act upon what I told them when what I needed most was to tell myself the exact same thing - ironic.

Okay im gonna be darn girly here and do that mini rage: 
I specifically can't stand certain people, it's like as though they tell you something really holy but then the thing is the bible clearly states the opposite of what they tell you, it's like why on earth are you doing this, and then at the same time they leave you to die just because you're not good enough for them, like you're doing nothing good for them in their lives - to put it in a much defined term: it's like you're being a burden to their growth in Christ or something and cause of that, they leave you when it's the point of time you need them most, just because you're not on the same "Holy" level as them and they are not responsible for your life in Christ means they don't bother, it's like saying "you're a christian, you're saved, but now your dragging my growth down so I'm not gonna bother any longer about you" i am like what the fuck seriously. And what's the worst part is that, since they told you that so you realized you're fucking burdening her, you've to look for your own sort of new friends right? the best part about this fucking situation is when you told her who you were gonna look for and what you planned to do about it but she stomps in and join that group of people first before you do, it's like fucking messed up la.

ok soooo girly, but ugh quite on rage mode now.

oh and here's another:
don't expect me to do what I am supposed to do when you were never there for me, as much as I respect you for, you have to learn what it means to start putting priorities in your life, I don't care how fucking busy you are, but I learnt that as much as I prioritized you, you're not doing the same, and I don't wanna be the fucking last thing you remember and suddenly ask me out after a couple of months, it's not fucking fair with the way you treat me, so as much as you wanna see something happen in my life, please don't expect anything when you were never ever there for me when you asked me to do something insanely ridiculous. so fuck you.

rage post la.

You ruined me

The greater the impact.

I die from pleasing everyone everyday. Sometimes I don't know what you want from me, or maybe to because I don't say a word about anything, but can't you see, can't you see how I've been just to make you happy? For you to be happy and make you feel satisfied, I left myself to feel all this crap, to go through all this, can't you see what I'm trying to do, I'm trying to have you feel proud of me, to not blame me for every single crap, but guess what, I can't. If you understood I'd have appreciated it, but you don't, you don't see what I'm going through, yet you blame me for every shit.
If one day you realized that the perfect picture you've seen in me, ruined and tossed around, you've no one to blame but yourself, you wanna be in control so much, go ahead, the day I leave you would be the day you beg for my forgiveness.
You ruined me, no one but you.