Blank Canvas

I have always hoped to write about something beautiful instead of rants and raging emotions. I never wanted anyone to find out this page because it was something personal, things that I hid from everyone, what I felt to what I want to do. I've always feared being judged, judged because of the thoughts I have. That's why most of the time, I choose to keep silent and rant it all here. I claim no one's listening to what I am saying, think about it - are you listening or simply judging?

It’s easy to promise and tell him that you will always be there for him. When you’re in a relationship, words will just be words. It’s going to be how you show him and make him feel that he is loved. It’s how you hug him tight after a long and tiring day at work, it’s the way you kiss him on the forehead when they feel worried, it’s the way you sincerely laugh at his silly old joke, it’s the way you rub their his when it aches so bad. It’s the little things that count. It’s not how elaborately you tell him how you will love him. It’s how you show him; it’s how you make him feel.

What makes us all deserve the love that someone showers over. 

Never expect - It’s not always about you. Realizing that disappointments are often caused by too much expectation. Being in a relationship means being realistic, understanding, and patient. It isn't a movie and you’re not just a girl standing in front of a boy waiting for him to love you. It's reality; there are no ‘cuts’ and ‘credits’, you don't have ‘scripts’ - and what you do doesn't last for two hours. It lasts for how long you want it to.

There's no denying that what the society we have grown up with gave us a picture of what love is supposed to be. And because of what it says, we grow with expectations, and longing for more and more of it, but we also have disappointments rubbing over our skin when our partner never hit those expectations. 

Maybe it's more than disappointment - mad, upset. But no one dares to tell the other what they get disappointed over because you allowed society to paint the picture of an idealistic relationship.
Things such as, Dating a Real Man, 8 Reasons why Real Men Don't Cheat, 12 Things to say to your partner everyday, 10 Things real men do, 15 signs the man you're with is a great guy, 15 Dos and Donts when dating, 15 Signs you're in the right relationship, 10 ways to prevent cheating. YUP. Trust me, this is just the few that you read and sometimes share it off facebook as well. 

*Neither am I trying to state there is no good articles out of all this. 

My point is, if you're reading so much into this, your subconsciousness builds an idealistic boyfriend and what he should or should not do when you're mad, pmsing, upset - basically raging in emotions. But where's the thrill of painting your own canvas when it's already painted with expectations all around?

I won't deny that I don't expect anything from B, but I realized that my expectations were building based on reading so much. I once made a remark "He drops me a 'Good Morning' everytime he wakes up, well that's what he does", and my friend replied "No. That's not something that's a must-do in a relationship, you should be glad that he does it and not take it for granted". And that's when I realized good mornings aren't just a daily text, it's something that you're actually given a choice to send that to start off someone's day or not.

Being in a relationship means accepting him, so why expect more of what he already is? You accepted him for his dreams, frustrations, annoying mannerisms, so why want to alternate who he is to reach those expectations. It's a fact that you can never fix him to what you want and that you have to let him be who he is. If you try so hard to mold him into the person you want to be, then maybe you shouldn't be with the person you're dating.

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along." You meet in the middle. It's not about what you always want to happen, or vice versa. Figuring out how to understand and become more open to what each of you wants. It’s what you two want, and how you two will work it out.

That also makes misunderstandings inevitable. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. It’s crap that people aim for perfection. Argument will come no matter what. It’s not healthy if you don’t fight because arguments make you realize how much you want your relationship to work. You cannot always agree on everything. That's bullshit. Fights will only be unhealthy if it’s already irrational and if it happens on a daily basis.

There's no lie when you hear the line "The way our generation takes relationship is dying". Or when you hear your girlfriend telling you "Why doesn't he just 'know what to do', cause it's basic knowledge 101" (ya, i kinda hear myself in that sentence more than half the time). And I had to realize that expecting things isn't the way to go. But here's where communication comes in place.

You will learn how to become more open with him because that is what relationships are all about. You are yourself when you’re with him, and he will not judge you for that.

If you don't say it, he will never know. Trust me, guys are the dumbest when it comes to hinting. I learnt never to hint no matter how obvious you think you are, don't bother. If you want it, ask. But know your limits as well, please don't be the gold-digger kind of person because here's another fact: no matter how much you say you aren't a gold digger, expecting your boyfriend for a gift that can cost $200 and getting upset actually makes you seem like one. For real.

Don't go overboard with the money issue. As much as you love the way he pampers you with buying you dinner or paying on dates, don't ever take it for granted or treat it like oh he's supposed to because there isn't a rule that said the guy takes on paying for everything -

Yeah, we do get a sense of security when it comes to guys paying for our meals, I mean it's a sense of security for the future, you know that he would be able to afford such things, especially when you're considering to have a family with him one day. But expecting him to pay all the time? I rather it just be oh you pay today, I pay for the next date. because i'm not much of a calculative person, I don't like splitting bills and buying him meals actually do make me happy, like I know my boy's well-feed and full, seeing him fat makes money much more worth it to invest on than buying another dress. Yes B, I want to make you fat. hehe. But that's what we do, we hardly split we just buy each other meals on alternate dates.

He has his friends, his time doesn't run 24/7 around you. Yes he's your boyfriend but you can't be the only person in his life, yes he prioritizes you in his life, but he needs his bros too. 

Give. Each. Other. Space - Being clingy girlfriend isn't the way to go. He needs time on his own cause frankly, your energy level can be rather exhausting to manage at time that he actually needs to regenerate. Ha, that's what I think about myself at least. But yeah, I stay two streets away from B, merely a 7 minutes walk to his place and I get to see him whenever I want to as long as he's free, but I know that there are days where you just got to let him be on his own and the phone (that I truly detest) is the only form of communication.

Space isn't always that bad. Spending most of your time with each other may be the cause for you two to split up. It’s also nice to give each other time to breathe because we also need time to spend with ourselves. Distance will not only challenge the both of you, but it will also make you realize that missing each other isn't so bad after all.

This was one of the dreadful weeks where I got upset at many things, I was a emotional roller-coaster and cried for all the minor reasons, well B had to deal with me for all that. And no matter how uncontrolled I got, he managed to pull through with me. and I'm thankful he didn't run away this week. Because I had alot of realization to do and I'm starting to try getting rid of the "he should know and I don't want to tell him because it's just a he should know what" kind of mindset, because the key to my relationship is communication. 

Technically, that's how we fell in love too, wait till you hear about the story of how he had his arm over me and the day where I realize he was not just a friend anymore. 

Stop overthinking, he’s not hiding anything from you. You have to start believing in him because he also gets hurt whenever you think otherwise. Trust is the hardest thing to give, earn, and do whenever you’re in a relationship. But little by little you will get to learn how to give it. Trusting someone is equivalent to loving them.

I'm happy. and frankly, that's all that matters to me now. I'm pretty excited for what throws happens next, but I know I'm going to start with that blank canvas again.

It may be hard to do all of these and know the perfect amount love to give each other. Humans love things they cannot define. It’s not like there’s a formula for a perfect relationship, or certain ingredients on how you can make a relationship work. It’s all about balance.

---

When you start realizing that this is the first person you have truly been yourself with. The one that brings out the best in you and the most vulnerable version of yourself. While you're terrified of what that means, the desire to love them outweighs the fear of not loving him. You understand what love means, for the first time you feel like you do because of the way he treats you.
The moment when you walk out from one of the worst season in your life and he's still there to love you even when you acted terribly and took your frustration out on him. But the very fact that he is still there, loving you despite your flaws, completely. Is a miracle in of itself and it guts you because it's so much love than you can give.

This is one of the reason why I love you so much, B. 

i'm not the

Well, I'm not sure what this is gonna be,

But with my eyes closed all I see

Is the skyline, through the window,

The moon above you and the streets below.

I have spent 19 years, going through drama, feeling all shitty and feeling at the peak of my life. I've fought for happiness and gave up in despair. I remember how I used to tell myself I gave up on hope, I gave up on love and everything there was that could possibly make myself happy, cause happiness was something attained by the impossible. 

Well, that was how I viewed things 5years ago.

and so much has changed ever since. 

I have been a disappointment, a wreck, messed up and a friend that no one wants. I remember how I had to pull through my secondary school years to be someone I wasn't. To fit in was all I wanted because I never had a group of friends that accepted me and not treat me like their punching bags. That was life, going home right after classes because dinner was considered late and frankly, I didn't have the friends to hang out with. 

again, that was 5 years ago. 

and now I'm 19 on the road of turning 20 in less than 6months? and lets say, in less than a year and a half I would be 21, but right now I don't know where life would bring me within that short span of 2 years. Frankly, I don't know where I want to be. I don't know what I want to do. 

My thoughts of being an SQ girl still runs in my head, well, it's the only place that I know I want to be at right now. 

Everyone's growing up, everything here's moving so quickly, but time stops for no one. 

well, but is that what life's about? to keep rushing endlessly. To attain a degree, find a job, settle down, get married have kids. Where's the part where you take a year off and do what you want. Where's the part where you don't dread your feet to work because it's a place you would want to be in and that makes you happy. 

Because all I'm hearing from everyone's why is making that choice of what to do in life so hard. Well it is, cause I don't want to see myself in 10 years time knowing that I'm striving for merely an income but not my happiness. 

I have spent this 19 years, knowing that the key to life isn't just success, but happiness comes before that. Do what makes you happy. That's what I want to do, and being in the society makes me feel like happiness is pressurizing yourself to become something. 

Well, I am sorry if I am nothing right now, but I'm wasting my time and not yours. I don't want to jump into something that I don't enjoy doing and come out of it feeling unhappy. If someone was to ask what I like, I like things that makes others happy. I would do whatever it takes just to make your day because your day makes mine.

I would put you first before myself just because the joy of others makes me feel the best of myself when I know I did something for that person. 

It's the same when it comes to two people wanting to buy the same dress, but it's the last piece. If it makes you happy, then I would rather you have it. Ya, I could get it and make myself feel happy about it, but like I said, when I know you're happy, I would feel two times better than myself being happy. 

but I know that I would be all that even if you're a mere stranger. 

I know I'm the kind of girl that I would get bored of things if I see no effort in. I would do whatever that makes you happy, but this doesn't mean you get to step all over me. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't walk away when I figure you're not bothered about my day even if I made yours.

I think there's too many "I"s in one post, but here's for the ones that might ever stubble across this post:
I feel alot, and I get emotional most of the time. I would start giving up on you the moment I realize that our friendship's filled with investment that's just from me. It's tiresome to realize that others don't really bother about what your life is about. I try to be involved as much as I can in your life, but that's a clear line to when I walk away. I can't sit by the lawn waiting for anyone to appear, I can't idle my whole day to figure where i stand in your life. I can't be the one investing in you yet I  realize you don't bother about my existence unless something happens to you.
I'm not the kind of girl where you run to when you're bored, I walk away when that happens.
I'm tired, tired of being a friend when I know that I'm just a spare toy for you to grab when you need one. I'm not a arm candy just to help you through your night. I'm not going to be any of that when I know that you don't bother.
Sometimes when you call or message someone sooo often, you would actually feel like you're bothering them and they don't really care. yeah, that's how most of you make me feel. like at the point where I feel like I'm bothering you and you can make it seem that way when it's me who initiates any conversation.

Well, think twice about what you're doing. Cause treating someone as your "spare friend" isn't the kind of friend I want to be, and you're not the kind of friend I want to be there for either.
Wondered why I left, yeah, maybe this post would let you know why I'm leaving. 

I aim to please, because making your day makes mine, but really, don't make me your spare when all I've been was there for you.

road-block.

Nights where you don't feel like you belong anywhere, anyone.
It gets cold and lonely because you're on the bus not knowing where you're heading to.
This isn't me, it isn't me to not have any directions, I don't like not knowing where I'm heading to because all I feel is no sense of home.

"You're thinking too much" they say. My mind's in a mess, I don't know what to think or what to do. I feel like no one's listening even though my words are endless. It's like being at a road block, deciding which way you're going to take next, but here's the difference, I'm at the road block at the end of the road. I've no idea where my life is taking me and this isn't what I'm used to.

I'm very much of a emotional rollercoaster, if you hop along, you would understand what it's like to go through a bunch of emotions within a week. Frankly, I am a mess.

I'm a girl, it's only reasonable for me to get stuck in my whirlpool mess of emotions.
But really, don't push it when I'm giving in a whole lot. I get my pre menstral shit days, and to cross that line, it's darn easy.
So seriously, when you know I'm shredding the fucking linings in me, don't piss me off. I can handle all that shit, but don't ever go unappreciative or forget about things I say or do. Don't forget about whatever I said and don't come fucking messing with me.

I don't really care if I'm irrational, for fuck sake reason, I'm having my darn period and coping with that fucked up cramps and running to the washroom every two hour is already a fucking pain. So don't, don't come pissing me off with your nonsense and deliberating messing with my mind.

I'd be so done with you if you ever come crossing over me

And this is for you if you already had.
Fuck you.

Xoxo