It feels like it's all crashing down again, it feels like it's going so softly this time round; but the fall wouldn't be gentle, the fall would hurt and I would crash with flames. 

it doesn't make it okay when you leave me hanging, when you do something that fills me up with hope and take my down within a snap. Neither does it make it okay that I've to crumple my heart and cry because of something that was done to hurt others yet I've to stay silent.

have you ever felt like your mind was corrupted with everything unhappy, your stomach crushes alittle over the dinner table because you know what conversations you would have. Every single time.  You try to fix things but you know you can't, you know you're "too young" to interfere or you don't have a voice to make a say.

I think that's not the worst. Worst comes from your heart starting to wrinkle. Worst comes when I start to ask myself, why do I love you so much/ worst comes when you feel like you're nothing but a hopeless lover.
Worst is when I started going through an emotional pit but I had to realize no one was going to be there and you had to suck it all up. It's when all I wanted was you to listen and tell me it was going to be okay, not all your solutions or finding where the fault came from. I didn't ask for you to fix me, I wanted you to be there.

Worst began with me asking myself if you loved me more than i love you. 
  
I need to breath. I need to tell myself I would be okay. I was never like that. Well maybe, a messed up wreck.

But tell me the truth, really.
What is family when everyone's hiding secrets and telling lies built around the home.

I was once told, your family is what matters, is the idol to your future family, your parents love towards each other is the one that you'd learn to love your other.

Maybe happiness was my glimpse of hope, but everything's turning so shady. Everything.

you ask

you ask
I answer
but here's the truth of all my fears
because all my fears were formed when the thought of losing you creeps in

I'm scared, i'm so scared of what I would become once you leave. I don't know how I am going to hold on to my tears when you leave. I don't know how I would be okay for the next 12 months when you leave me. I know you would tell me "we are going to be okay" well I tell myself that too, but I don't know how to handle everything all on my own.

I don't know how to not have someone to hug when I don't have you around. I don't know who I would turn to when I have a bad day or where I can hide when I'm so tired of everyone around me. So who's going to celebrate my happy moments with me. Who's going to hold me whenever I have to cry. Who is going to listen to me when I need to rant all my frustrations out.

No one is going to be here to chase me to the doctors when I fall ill, no one is going to take me out for lunch whenever I say I'm hungry. No one is going to bother about what I do because you're the only one that bothers.

You ask. Why I'm so quiet. Why on certain days where I can just look at you and smile otherwise just stare down at the ground.Truth is - I dare not tell you what I'm thinking of. I dare not go to you and talk to you about any of this because I know what you would say. I know that you would tell me the same thing all over again "Ugh. Don't cry now". And I know I would if we ever talk about it.

Everytime we head out shopping for necessary things for university or you doing something that involves going away, I shrug away and hold my tears back, because I know you're going to leave me.

Ya, there's that slight chance that I might be going to New Zealand too, and you have no idea how afraid I am if I don't get in. You have no idea how much I want to be less than 6000 miles away from you. You have no idea how much I want that hug whenever I can get. I want you around so bad I can't even bear the thought of sending you off at the airport.

Baby, i don't know how to be okay when you leave.

I don't know how to hold back all my tears and I don't know how to breath on my own whenever I panic. I don't know how I would be able to tell you i am doing fine because the thought of you going away scares the hell out of me.

January is coming so soon, and as much as I wanna spend every moment I can with you, as much as I want to spend every moment I have with you happily. I don't know how I am going to do it. I don't know how I am going to feel okay all the time I'm with you because as long as I get reminded of you leaving, I turn jelly.

my head's a mess. It's so bad because I am scared. I'm so scared if I would ever lose you to distance. I'm so scared if you would ever get tired of me not being there. 12 months. This is why going over to NZ means the world to me now because I know that it wouldn't be as hard as it is if I'm still here.

you're everything to me - and by that, it means that I would never want you to leave me because 12 months is going to be hell as long as you're not around me. 12 months would be the slowest to past when I don't have you around. I don't know how I am going to do it. I don't know how I am going to be okay. I don't know where that 12 months is going to bring us as long as I'm not seeing you.



i don't know how to be okay because i keep falling deeper and deeper in love with you.

I don't want any goodbyes

You constantly tell me to not think about it
Saying we should live the moment
But I can't.
I can't tell myself I'm going to be okay.
I can't imagine being at the departing hall
Sending you away, I can't.
I get scared,
I ask myself what I'm going to do when I don't have you around
I think about the miles apart 
And honestly, it scares me.
I can't imagine us being apart
I can't imagine what will happen next 
But I'm afraid,
I'm afraid of being alone here. 
You tell me to not think, 
You tell me to not count down,
But count the days we have left 
And cherish whatever we still have.
Isn't it still putting a clock on it.
This is one scary ride 
Because I don't know what's going to happen next 
But tell me you're going to hold on to me
Till the very end.
Because I don't want to let you go
I don't know how I'm going to let you go

i stabbed

When you actually figure you hurt someone, 

you hurt that one person so bad.

You then have no idea what to do, 

but you tell yourself he hurt you first.

You have all the reasons to move along with your happiness

but still

you're living with the guilt

you hurt someone so bad

and you can't take it back

though you get to live happily

you hurt someone

and that's the bottom line, 

ultimately.

Anybody’s got the power
They don’t see it
‘Cos they don’t understand
Spin around and run for hours
You and me we got the world in our hands

Everyday people do
Everyday things but I
Can’t be one of them
I know you hear me now
We are a different kind
We can do anything

Choke

It's one of those days where you just feel like doing nothing, lazing around - but no, it isn't because you're living one of those mundane days, but because you just don't know what to feel.

You feel like screaming you're so tired, but what exactly are you tired of.
You feel like crying because your heart feels crumpled.
You feel like like you don't want to feel any longer.

That's how I feel.

I have those days where I don't exactly know what's wrong, I don't wish to feel nor do I want to do anything through the day. I'm so tired of what I am and what I've been doing and the moment I stop doing what I've been doing, I ask myself "So what exactly have I been doing".

I don't know if you would understand how I feel, but it's just one of those days where you want to lie in bed alone, not feel anything and not even think. I could have my phone shut the entire day because I think social-media has became something that people think it's a "need to be involved". But really? I get so tired from the crap everyone throws, so tired of the drama that has been going on. Feeling like I took all the wrong sides or even, why the fuck did I go on anyone's side.

There's just so many things going on in my head but I don't quite know how exactly I'm supposed to put it.


Maybe i'm just sad today, and I don't what to acknowledge the fact that I'm alittle down.

letting go

If you gave me a chance I would take it

It's a shot in the dark but I'll make it

Know with all of your heart, you can't shake me

When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be

19 years, I learnt that happiness is something you fight for. 

19 years, I learnt that struggles doesn't mean the only light is giving up.

19 years, I learnt that everything happens for a reason, a good one. 

Sometimes, I tend to look back and ask myself "were those tears worth it". I have faced failures like it's the end of the road, told myself to just turn away and go back to where I came from than to find another route out. 

Trust me, I'm full of hate in me. I have despised you, tell myself you don't exist, and pretended that you just don't exist. Just because I was broken by you even with a mended heart. I know that if you stumble across this post, you would know who exactly I'm referring to, basically - you. Just because you hurt me and I find it the toughest to forgive. The ones that I told exactly what xxx did to me and you could do the same. 

Tell me, why exactly are you asking me why I'm angry when you know what broke me once, why do it to me again. 

I'm only human, it's only human of my feelings to know that I despise you, your actions. Everything about you, even the thought of you in my head disgust me. The thought of what you have done to me still makes my eyes go runny. Sometimes unable to say it out even. 

-

But I realized that it's killing me - I can't live with the hate I have towards any of you. It haunts me because I can't trust that someone won't do that to me just because you did it. So I'm letting all go. I know I said it once, and I took those words back, but I'll be safe. That's what I choose to believe. I'll be okay. And I would forgive but I would never look back and give you away the moment I look at you, I would smile and move. I wouldn't be your friend, but I'm still going to ask you how's it going if I see you downtown.

I'm not going to waste my day ever if I see you down town, I wouldn't allow you to spoil any of my days ahead because that's not what I am and that isn't what I'm going to do. I have lost all respect for you, but I will be here if you ever need me, I will listen to your rumbles and tell you my honest opinion, but I don't think I can hold a casual conversation with you anymore. I don't think I would be able to sit down and have my lunch with you across the table.

Someone told me "I'm pretty thankful for all those things that happened to you, otherwise I might never have met you and you might not be at this place, at this time - we could have never met". That made me realize that I had to be thankful for my past instead of being filled with resent. 

I can be bitter, bitchy and cruel in every way I can plot my sweet revenge on. I would have said "step on me and  I would crush you", but why be that girl when there's so much more than turning sweet into sour. We live once, why not make the best happy moments out of it. If someone doesn't deserve that spot in your life, if someone is making it hard then walk away, there's always a choice in happiness, a choice of who you want to keep and make you happy.

Blank Canvas

I have always hoped to write about something beautiful instead of rants and raging emotions. I never wanted anyone to find out this page because it was something personal, things that I hid from everyone, what I felt to what I want to do. I've always feared being judged, judged because of the thoughts I have. That's why most of the time, I choose to keep silent and rant it all here. I claim no one's listening to what I am saying, think about it - are you listening or simply judging?

It’s easy to promise and tell him that you will always be there for him. When you’re in a relationship, words will just be words. It’s going to be how you show him and make him feel that he is loved. It’s how you hug him tight after a long and tiring day at work, it’s the way you kiss him on the forehead when they feel worried, it’s the way you sincerely laugh at his silly old joke, it’s the way you rub their his when it aches so bad. It’s the little things that count. It’s not how elaborately you tell him how you will love him. It’s how you show him; it’s how you make him feel.

What makes us all deserve the love that someone showers over. 

Never expect - It’s not always about you. Realizing that disappointments are often caused by too much expectation. Being in a relationship means being realistic, understanding, and patient. It isn't a movie and you’re not just a girl standing in front of a boy waiting for him to love you. It's reality; there are no ‘cuts’ and ‘credits’, you don't have ‘scripts’ - and what you do doesn't last for two hours. It lasts for how long you want it to.

There's no denying that what the society we have grown up with gave us a picture of what love is supposed to be. And because of what it says, we grow with expectations, and longing for more and more of it, but we also have disappointments rubbing over our skin when our partner never hit those expectations. 

Maybe it's more than disappointment - mad, upset. But no one dares to tell the other what they get disappointed over because you allowed society to paint the picture of an idealistic relationship.
Things such as, Dating a Real Man, 8 Reasons why Real Men Don't Cheat, 12 Things to say to your partner everyday, 10 Things real men do, 15 signs the man you're with is a great guy, 15 Dos and Donts when dating, 15 Signs you're in the right relationship, 10 ways to prevent cheating. YUP. Trust me, this is just the few that you read and sometimes share it off facebook as well. 

*Neither am I trying to state there is no good articles out of all this. 

My point is, if you're reading so much into this, your subconsciousness builds an idealistic boyfriend and what he should or should not do when you're mad, pmsing, upset - basically raging in emotions. But where's the thrill of painting your own canvas when it's already painted with expectations all around?

I won't deny that I don't expect anything from B, but I realized that my expectations were building based on reading so much. I once made a remark "He drops me a 'Good Morning' everytime he wakes up, well that's what he does", and my friend replied "No. That's not something that's a must-do in a relationship, you should be glad that he does it and not take it for granted". And that's when I realized good mornings aren't just a daily text, it's something that you're actually given a choice to send that to start off someone's day or not.

Being in a relationship means accepting him, so why expect more of what he already is? You accepted him for his dreams, frustrations, annoying mannerisms, so why want to alternate who he is to reach those expectations. It's a fact that you can never fix him to what you want and that you have to let him be who he is. If you try so hard to mold him into the person you want to be, then maybe you shouldn't be with the person you're dating.

"It's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along." You meet in the middle. It's not about what you always want to happen, or vice versa. Figuring out how to understand and become more open to what each of you wants. It’s what you two want, and how you two will work it out.

That also makes misunderstandings inevitable. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship. It’s crap that people aim for perfection. Argument will come no matter what. It’s not healthy if you don’t fight because arguments make you realize how much you want your relationship to work. You cannot always agree on everything. That's bullshit. Fights will only be unhealthy if it’s already irrational and if it happens on a daily basis.

There's no lie when you hear the line "The way our generation takes relationship is dying". Or when you hear your girlfriend telling you "Why doesn't he just 'know what to do', cause it's basic knowledge 101" (ya, i kinda hear myself in that sentence more than half the time). And I had to realize that expecting things isn't the way to go. But here's where communication comes in place.

You will learn how to become more open with him because that is what relationships are all about. You are yourself when you’re with him, and he will not judge you for that.

If you don't say it, he will never know. Trust me, guys are the dumbest when it comes to hinting. I learnt never to hint no matter how obvious you think you are, don't bother. If you want it, ask. But know your limits as well, please don't be the gold-digger kind of person because here's another fact: no matter how much you say you aren't a gold digger, expecting your boyfriend for a gift that can cost $200 and getting upset actually makes you seem like one. For real.

Don't go overboard with the money issue. As much as you love the way he pampers you with buying you dinner or paying on dates, don't ever take it for granted or treat it like oh he's supposed to because there isn't a rule that said the guy takes on paying for everything -

Yeah, we do get a sense of security when it comes to guys paying for our meals, I mean it's a sense of security for the future, you know that he would be able to afford such things, especially when you're considering to have a family with him one day. But expecting him to pay all the time? I rather it just be oh you pay today, I pay for the next date. because i'm not much of a calculative person, I don't like splitting bills and buying him meals actually do make me happy, like I know my boy's well-feed and full, seeing him fat makes money much more worth it to invest on than buying another dress. Yes B, I want to make you fat. hehe. But that's what we do, we hardly split we just buy each other meals on alternate dates.

He has his friends, his time doesn't run 24/7 around you. Yes he's your boyfriend but you can't be the only person in his life, yes he prioritizes you in his life, but he needs his bros too. 

Give. Each. Other. Space - Being clingy girlfriend isn't the way to go. He needs time on his own cause frankly, your energy level can be rather exhausting to manage at time that he actually needs to regenerate. Ha, that's what I think about myself at least. But yeah, I stay two streets away from B, merely a 7 minutes walk to his place and I get to see him whenever I want to as long as he's free, but I know that there are days where you just got to let him be on his own and the phone (that I truly detest) is the only form of communication.

Space isn't always that bad. Spending most of your time with each other may be the cause for you two to split up. It’s also nice to give each other time to breathe because we also need time to spend with ourselves. Distance will not only challenge the both of you, but it will also make you realize that missing each other isn't so bad after all.

This was one of the dreadful weeks where I got upset at many things, I was a emotional roller-coaster and cried for all the minor reasons, well B had to deal with me for all that. And no matter how uncontrolled I got, he managed to pull through with me. and I'm thankful he didn't run away this week. Because I had alot of realization to do and I'm starting to try getting rid of the "he should know and I don't want to tell him because it's just a he should know what" kind of mindset, because the key to my relationship is communication. 

Technically, that's how we fell in love too, wait till you hear about the story of how he had his arm over me and the day where I realize he was not just a friend anymore. 

Stop overthinking, he’s not hiding anything from you. You have to start believing in him because he also gets hurt whenever you think otherwise. Trust is the hardest thing to give, earn, and do whenever you’re in a relationship. But little by little you will get to learn how to give it. Trusting someone is equivalent to loving them.

I'm happy. and frankly, that's all that matters to me now. I'm pretty excited for what throws happens next, but I know I'm going to start with that blank canvas again.

It may be hard to do all of these and know the perfect amount love to give each other. Humans love things they cannot define. It’s not like there’s a formula for a perfect relationship, or certain ingredients on how you can make a relationship work. It’s all about balance.

---

When you start realizing that this is the first person you have truly been yourself with. The one that brings out the best in you and the most vulnerable version of yourself. While you're terrified of what that means, the desire to love them outweighs the fear of not loving him. You understand what love means, for the first time you feel like you do because of the way he treats you.
The moment when you walk out from one of the worst season in your life and he's still there to love you even when you acted terribly and took your frustration out on him. But the very fact that he is still there, loving you despite your flaws, completely. Is a miracle in of itself and it guts you because it's so much love than you can give.

This is one of the reason why I love you so much, B. 

i'm not the

Well, I'm not sure what this is gonna be,

But with my eyes closed all I see

Is the skyline, through the window,

The moon above you and the streets below.

I have spent 19 years, going through drama, feeling all shitty and feeling at the peak of my life. I've fought for happiness and gave up in despair. I remember how I used to tell myself I gave up on hope, I gave up on love and everything there was that could possibly make myself happy, cause happiness was something attained by the impossible. 

Well, that was how I viewed things 5years ago.

and so much has changed ever since. 

I have been a disappointment, a wreck, messed up and a friend that no one wants. I remember how I had to pull through my secondary school years to be someone I wasn't. To fit in was all I wanted because I never had a group of friends that accepted me and not treat me like their punching bags. That was life, going home right after classes because dinner was considered late and frankly, I didn't have the friends to hang out with. 

again, that was 5 years ago. 

and now I'm 19 on the road of turning 20 in less than 6months? and lets say, in less than a year and a half I would be 21, but right now I don't know where life would bring me within that short span of 2 years. Frankly, I don't know where I want to be. I don't know what I want to do. 

My thoughts of being an SQ girl still runs in my head, well, it's the only place that I know I want to be at right now. 

Everyone's growing up, everything here's moving so quickly, but time stops for no one. 

well, but is that what life's about? to keep rushing endlessly. To attain a degree, find a job, settle down, get married have kids. Where's the part where you take a year off and do what you want. Where's the part where you don't dread your feet to work because it's a place you would want to be in and that makes you happy. 

Because all I'm hearing from everyone's why is making that choice of what to do in life so hard. Well it is, cause I don't want to see myself in 10 years time knowing that I'm striving for merely an income but not my happiness. 

I have spent this 19 years, knowing that the key to life isn't just success, but happiness comes before that. Do what makes you happy. That's what I want to do, and being in the society makes me feel like happiness is pressurizing yourself to become something. 

Well, I am sorry if I am nothing right now, but I'm wasting my time and not yours. I don't want to jump into something that I don't enjoy doing and come out of it feeling unhappy. If someone was to ask what I like, I like things that makes others happy. I would do whatever it takes just to make your day because your day makes mine.

I would put you first before myself just because the joy of others makes me feel the best of myself when I know I did something for that person. 

It's the same when it comes to two people wanting to buy the same dress, but it's the last piece. If it makes you happy, then I would rather you have it. Ya, I could get it and make myself feel happy about it, but like I said, when I know you're happy, I would feel two times better than myself being happy. 

but I know that I would be all that even if you're a mere stranger. 

I know I'm the kind of girl that I would get bored of things if I see no effort in. I would do whatever that makes you happy, but this doesn't mean you get to step all over me. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't walk away when I figure you're not bothered about my day even if I made yours.

I think there's too many "I"s in one post, but here's for the ones that might ever stubble across this post:
I feel alot, and I get emotional most of the time. I would start giving up on you the moment I realize that our friendship's filled with investment that's just from me. It's tiresome to realize that others don't really bother about what your life is about. I try to be involved as much as I can in your life, but that's a clear line to when I walk away. I can't sit by the lawn waiting for anyone to appear, I can't idle my whole day to figure where i stand in your life. I can't be the one investing in you yet I  realize you don't bother about my existence unless something happens to you.
I'm not the kind of girl where you run to when you're bored, I walk away when that happens.
I'm tired, tired of being a friend when I know that I'm just a spare toy for you to grab when you need one. I'm not a arm candy just to help you through your night. I'm not going to be any of that when I know that you don't bother.
Sometimes when you call or message someone sooo often, you would actually feel like you're bothering them and they don't really care. yeah, that's how most of you make me feel. like at the point where I feel like I'm bothering you and you can make it seem that way when it's me who initiates any conversation.

Well, think twice about what you're doing. Cause treating someone as your "spare friend" isn't the kind of friend I want to be, and you're not the kind of friend I want to be there for either.
Wondered why I left, yeah, maybe this post would let you know why I'm leaving. 

I aim to please, because making your day makes mine, but really, don't make me your spare when all I've been was there for you.

road-block.

Nights where you don't feel like you belong anywhere, anyone.
It gets cold and lonely because you're on the bus not knowing where you're heading to.
This isn't me, it isn't me to not have any directions, I don't like not knowing where I'm heading to because all I feel is no sense of home.

"You're thinking too much" they say. My mind's in a mess, I don't know what to think or what to do. I feel like no one's listening even though my words are endless. It's like being at a road block, deciding which way you're going to take next, but here's the difference, I'm at the road block at the end of the road. I've no idea where my life is taking me and this isn't what I'm used to.

I'm very much of a emotional rollercoaster, if you hop along, you would understand what it's like to go through a bunch of emotions within a week. Frankly, I am a mess.

I'm a girl, it's only reasonable for me to get stuck in my whirlpool mess of emotions.
But really, don't push it when I'm giving in a whole lot. I get my pre menstral shit days, and to cross that line, it's darn easy.
So seriously, when you know I'm shredding the fucking linings in me, don't piss me off. I can handle all that shit, but don't ever go unappreciative or forget about things I say or do. Don't forget about whatever I said and don't come fucking messing with me.

I don't really care if I'm irrational, for fuck sake reason, I'm having my darn period and coping with that fucked up cramps and running to the washroom every two hour is already a fucking pain. So don't, don't come pissing me off with your nonsense and deliberating messing with my mind.

I'd be so done with you if you ever come crossing over me

And this is for you if you already had.
Fuck you.

Xoxo

Free Falling

Have you ever fell in love and didn't realize how fast you were falling?
The one that makes your heart skip a beat whenever he catches you glimpsing at him? 

I'm in love and I can't deny how important this is to me.

He wipes my tears dry, chases away my fears, come by in the middle of the night just to make sure I'm fine.
And I would do the same for you, B.

Bad days don't last, but I do. I will do whatever it takes just to be next to you, even if it's missing my favorite event or something I have been looking forward to, I would do whatever it takes just to have you by my side because I wouldn't let you go through nightmares alone.

If you don't want to talk, I would stay next to you silent.
If you don't want to want to see me, I would wait outside.
If you want to scream, I would lose my voice with you.
If you aren't okay, I would give you my hugs to make sure you know I am going to be here with you.

Here's a fact, what's in your mind bothers me. It bothers me because I don't like seeing you like that. It breaks my heart knowing you aren't happy, and I wouldn't ask why if you don't want to say it, but please don't think that me being silent means I'm unhappy that you don't want to talk, I'm silent because I'm figuring how to make you feel better.

I have my bad days, and you are always there. You would drive to my place just to make sure I was fine, you knew crying would have made me feel better but you know how much I hate crying so you end up making me talk till I cry. And it isn't going to be just a one way thing because I want to be next to you, listen to you and just be by you.

Like what I always say. It isn't "I" or "You", but it's "Us". Like Us against the word, together.

I run out of words because I'm the worst person when it comes to comforting, but I get worried and I don't show it either, I'm bad at expressing emotions. All the more when I'm having my whirlpool of emotions while the lining of my walls shred (literally). But I'm trying, trying to not be so bothered about the emotions cause you're what matters.

You know me best, but you still love me.
All that flaws, and you're still here. 

You have no idea, no idea how much you mean to me, no idea at all.
From our first "coffee date" that ended up as lunch. From the night we had a midnight picnic. From the day you held my hand and I kissed it.
B, you're so special to me, you make my stomach filled with butterflies whenever I'm with you. Especially when we go out on dates, all dolled up and when I see that smile on your face. Ever since the day I met you, everything's no longer the same, ever since you became mine. I could fall in love with you all over, everyday. Some can say "Come on, once LDR begins, it wouldn't work", but we have 5months left and distance wouldn't kill our love. Why should I count the days left with you when I can count the days I have with you. I'm really thankful, thankful that I have you around all the time, I wonder what would have happened if I canceled that coffee date we were supposed to have, and thankfully, I didn't. I've no idea what the future would throw at us, but I know we would make through it.  

B, I love you, more than you know it, to the stars, and back. 

To the stars and back,

But the difference would be that from how I see it, you're brighter than any star. 

The week has been amazing. Seeing you for 10 days straight, even after my intern started, you've been more than amazing B.

I don't know if I made your week a highlight in your life, but you turned 21 and I wanted every bit to be special. Maybe I didn't plan out the best birthday any guy could have, but whenever I catch that smile on your face, it brightens up mine. Special. That's the word I would describe my week as. Mainly because you're the best thing that's happening to me now.

You seen me at my worst, you held my when I was about to break, you knew what to do when I ran out of words but tears.

"How else would I be able to tell you I love you?" - Words aren't enough to show you, but you and I know where this spark's bringing us too.

Midnight Grocery Shopping, Dancing among the stars, The most romantic dinner, Meeting your family, Adventure Cove, Pentatonix Concert, Falling asleep next to you till dawn, Meeting my family. - woah, we conquered quite alot in one week eh.
And we are both gonna head back to the usually regime of our lives, but we are gonna be okay. Like you said, take it as a test to LDR. Ha, so I know we would definitely make do with it.

-
I am flawless, yet you love me.
I don't have the best temper, I act like a bitch when someone pisses me off, I act like a princess when I think I am right even though I ain't right. - you still love me among all of my flaws, you still love me despite all that I do. I don't have the biggest heart nor the prettiest face, but you still want me. Tell me, what more do I need when I have you. I can't tell you how much I do love you because I my rumbling words goes speechless. I may disappoint you but that's the last thing I would ever want to do. I can't promise the best out of this relationship, but I promise to love you as much as I can, to be here for you and to perk you up when you're down.

Yea, I do feel like I don't deserve your love most of the time, I feel like I'm filled with dirt all over and you're out of my league, like - how on earth did I find a guy like you. The kind of guy that makes me feel like magic when I'm with him.
He's the kind of guy acts silly with me, dances around like a fool even though everyone's watching. He doesn't care about how others will think, because it's just the both of us. The way he looks at me, the way he makes me feel loved.
Literally, when I met him I was all broken, I felt like I wasn't worthy of anything, I thought i'd have never found someone that I deserve. I would have easily shut B out of my life, we could have never met if I canceled my date with him, we could have never talked if I never fell sick, and we could have never started a conversation if I didn't need my coffee fix.

I tend to think about the date we met. The day where "So want to have that coffee fix of yours with me sometime soon?"// "are you asking for my number?". Imagine if you never came up to me, cause I can't. Maybe I would still be lying in agony, telling myself how bad a person I was. Torn self-esteem and broken wounds.

Maybe you would never understand how important you are to me, maybe I would never show it. I get shaky when I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper for you, but I'm trusting you to catch me from my fall. To hold me tight like how you held me at my worst. I know sometimes my insecurities gets us both alittle upset, but I'm gonna try to stop all that nonsense cause it's no longer a "I" because it's "Us", just like "Us against the world". And as long as I've you around, my days gets constantly perked.

Love you, B.

LDR.

Well, it's no kidding that we would have to face it sooner or later, like come on, you didn't graduate from Singapore and that's a fact, it's bound of you to fly away, away from me that is.
I hate it when you go all realistic on me, I hate it when you tell me "Well, that depends if we would even be here" - I know I ain't realistic, but don't tell me that; I know that despite us saying that all the time, we cling or at least I cling on to the saying that "long distance doesn't kill love, doesn't kill us".
Yes, I get pretty upset whenever you mention the fact about university, and honestly it's the last thing I want to think of right now. I feel like I can't get into anywhere, i feel like uni would be the last thing on my mind, but, yea it's what we need for the future anyway, so doesn't matter. Probably it's up in my head where I'm like, "sweetheart, I don't get to celebrate Christmas, New Year, CNY, Valentine's..... and even my 20th with you". No don't get me wrong, I do want you to go, I've all my hopes up for you, it's just the fact that you'd be going off. First the states and a week or two back and you're gone for NZ.

Now, get my drift on why I'm slowly getting upset?

It's funny how one can make you feel so special, so wanted. Yeah, you'd tell me I've dated and I've been with a handful of guys in my life, how isit actually possible that "I get this feeling only with you". Butterflies in my stomach kind of feeling  -  Trust me, I ain't lying when I tell you that. The best kind of boyfriend a girl could have would be one that goes all out on being silly with you and respects you the way you're supposed to be treated.
If someone came up to me and asked me, how on earth did I fall for you - truth would be I've no idea how, but it all happened you know, and why still fall when I knew you were going to leave SG one way or another. I don't know, but here's it - I know I'm willing to go through hell with you or whatever shit LDR may cause. I'm thankful for you, and I don't know how else to put it, cause you're just - amazing. I remember how everything started so vividly, I remember how you brought me to out for supper just because I said I was hungry the first time we met, the time where I tried throwing grapes and nuts into your mouth sitting underneath the sky full of stars (not really full, but ya you get it), the time where we officially had a date, the time where you drove out just to meet me in the middle of the night just because I got had a bad day, daylight even, and the day where you fetched me despite me not knowing where I was and letting me cry for over an hour just because I was not okay and you knew it.
That kind of small gestures, the ones even where you had camp the next day yet stayed out with me till 4 in the morning. Those are the ones I really appreciate, and those are the ones that made me know what sincerity was when you try to get someone to fall for you.

well, here's it, i'm blessed to have found you even through the way I never thought possible of.

she will be loved

Drafting every post up, deleting it at the very last second, otherwise it's me unable to continue because of the loss of words. Until now, I don't know what I want, what I expect or even what I'm thinking.

Tell me what I'm feeling cause I don't know, I don't know what I should feel or what I am feeling at all. I just need to get out of whatever I am in and take a view of it. I feel utterly sick, disgusted and lost. Somehow, I feel like this entire world of mine seems to be colliding, I'm making rational choices, making nothing out of the worst, and I constantly tell myself I'm okay. I wake up every morning and tell myself it's going to be better, it's going to be better everyday. I wake up telling myself that I have to learn to trust myself, feel secure in wherever I am because I lost this comfort zone of mine, I don't feel safe in my own comfort - that makes me living in insanity. I think about the choices I make, I think about what I'm doing and fooling around with, and I ask myself what the fuck am I doing, cause I'm playing with dust and fire.

I left, and people ask, "why do you seem so okay?"/"Aren't you affected? He seems like he meant alot to you". To be honest, I ain't okay, I wasn't okay but here I am trying to be, and I know I will be okay.

Through this period, I remember that for every song I loved, there would be a inner meaning but there was this particular one that I could have never understood, never understood why I loved it so much, maybe I don't love it. But I know the lyrics meant alot to me, it meant so much. Then again, there's this part that goes "Where were you when I needed you most?" That was what I realized, I realized that I became afraid, afraid to fall again because I don't know how to trust the person that is going to catch me. You said you wanted a happy story if I ever had to reminisce over any of my past - here goes. I can give you a happy ending, but it wasn't a happy story. Through that entire relationship, I felt like I lost myself through it. Instead of nights where I thought I found myself, I actually lost it. I became someone you wanted - not someone I was. And that's how I am scared. That's why I am scared to fall again, cause I don't know if I am going to lose myself again, I don't know how to be assured that I wouldn't be blindly manipulated into a relationship. 

 Someone asked, why are you like that, why is your esteem so low. I have no idea. I have no idea how this insecure side of my got built up, I have got no idea how I came here. It's not always rainbow and butterflies I get, but now it's time I breath alittle and realize what I'm losing out on, I realize that this isn't what I want at all - but again, what exactly do I want.

restart

"The next few days are going to be tough, so promise me - for every sunrise you see you would tell yourself that it is going to be a good day, and for every sunset you would remind yourself that it gets better the next day"

This time was no kidding, head lifting and something I've not felt, ever.
Missing someone's one thing, but being able to get your hands completely off them is the craziest thing you would be able to do because caring for them is what you did best. I've been going through the worst week, and I can't imagine how bad it could possibly get. You know the difference when you know someone's always out looking for you, and suddenly all you have is no one around.

When I'm supposed to type a whole chunk that's been on my mind, I tend to stumble onto every word I've.

pricks, pins, needles

needless to say; i am dying here. 

I know you're waiting for an update, I know you're waiting to hear from me, but I also know that you know that this time round, we hit the end of the road for any form of salvage.

Words haunt people, words kill people - and that was the one that have seemed to killed us. 

I can't erase what I did wrong, I can't fix what I've done nor fix things that were supposed to be mended during the time that it happened.

i'm sorry, well that's all I have to say.

the guilt in me for having such a decision, but I am gasping to that glimpse of hope that it's okay. You know I never stopped loving you, it's just the actions that haunts me back and forth. It's been so hard to accept who I am, or maybe the way that you phrased everything, it made me sound like an inhuman monster, probably all I need right now is to breath and to know who I am, just because I am horrified of what I am, or too scared to face who I really am. If there's anything, you know I am still here, just not in the position to love you right any longer. 

faith vs humanity

I've been having so many thoughts running through my mind, figuring which ones were the right one to listen to - like you taught me "choose the right" - I've so much more to learn from you, but for now it's learning how faith actually works in a situation like this.

Churning stomachs, cold breathes, tingling fingers, accelerating heart rate - these; was what I felt at that moment, being speechless when you're asked a question to decide, having all your hopes up but figuring that you would stay cause you knew you needed to. I've always wanted to make sense but I don't, I blog and it doesn't make sense - not even to me. To sum those physical descriptions: mainly, it meant I was scared. I was scared I was losing everything and gaining one, or losing all because of judgement. I won't deny I'm weak, easily perceived to be naive, I function like a lost kid in a foreign land and even running through the day realizing that what I did was merely nothing. I've so many choices to make right now, but only one matters most - and the count down begins to the day I would be giving you a hug saying my goodbyes forever - I am clasping onto my hands telling myself forever won't be true but I don't want to leave in denial. For me, no more denials, no more unworthy words, no more stressing out over the right choices or not. There's no doubt, I want my time alone, I need that space alone. There's no doubt I wanna be somewhere all alone, for a year or even two - I just want to be alone and realize that I have to be there. I want to be in a place where I can have nothing but realizing my needs.

like I said - I am weak and it's nothing to deny.

I don't want to let anything go, might as well bring it to the moment and say I want to hit that pause and get out of here, figure things out and come back here. That's why I want to get out, that's why I applied for university in a foreign land. Yes I am contented here, but with everyone around, I don't realize my needs, I don't realize that independency  I need. There's so many things going through my mind, and the fact that hits me so hard would be whether: am I good enough. I've been untruthful to myself, I hide truths by painting them with color coated lies all around myself, but I can't do it. I'm about to hit the button where I should leave just because I can't seem to myself. Whether I am good enough or not isn't for any of you to let me know, I strive for perfection that's non existence - I strive so hard for everything else other than to make myself feel happy - I make arguments seem like I am right because I can't live with the fact where I am always wrong and it goes down to the brick where I ain't good enough - that's a fact, where I am never good enough - from the day I was brought fourth to this world, I've lived with being imperfect but I've never dealt with it - I've never come forth to the truth where being good enough just isn't it.

Probably you would ask me why, why the sudden feelings - I don't know either, maybe because the amount of feelings filled within me has exceeded the limit of what I have. Or maybe it was just because someone managed to inspire me to live out what I wanted not what I was forced to do and reminded me that what I wanted to do had to do with happiness and contention, never do something out of unwillingness with the mind where money is going to give you satisfactory.

the feeling I get would be the one like I'm in deep dark void - 

I'm in the state of whether I should go with what I feel or stick with what I know I should do, it's like faith against humanity, but I can't do it. I can't walk away from anyone right now, not at this point. I feel so messed up in my head, causing delusional deaths in the war zone my illusion is facing.

Don't tell me what right to do cause it's my war to fight, but tell me you would be by my side when I come back.

"princess"

no it's not about how I'd sweeten my way out of revenge. 

but one thing I really dislike

would be you or any soul to tell me im living in a "princess lifestyle" 

You know how hard isit to sloth your way out of that kind of lifestyle, yes I do admit I been living in there or rather caving in there for the past 18 years, it's time I got out - and I also do get it when you or anyone would not understand why I'm crawling out of my pit. 

If you never understood, being the only daughter makes me the princess of this house, my parents are the strictest I've met and the craziest over protection. 

For me to gain my privileges, was to simply be a "good girl" and there - money comes down falling to me. Basically all I had to do, was in exchange for money. 

yes it was pissing, but com'on we are living in a world where society teaches us money is our freaking hero that would bring us to basically, everywhere. 

I stopped - i stopped getting allowances and learning what it's meant to give back and definitely to also "save money", it's hard - for someone whom prolly have never saved a single cent cause I never really saw a need to. and let me repeat it - 

I been living in a life where goodness could be exchanged for money, so don't come barging in and tell me I don't understand the hardship of fucking money cause I live in a cave of a princess lifestyle, because I been through shit to get myself out of this pit, it wasn't a one day thing and it isn't for you to tell me I understand or not, because this princess lifestyle was not something I asked for.

here's the line

I'm so much of a feeler, so much.
I contain emotions in me that I cannot handle on my own.
I drive myself crazy cause the emotions in me empowers everything.
I go crazy and I can't handle myself.
I can't explain to you how I function, cause I malfunction all the time.
I'd drag you onto this mess of mine,
and let you know that I don't really care about what's the situation
but do know I still care about you.

I'm no gentle giant, i'm friendly in my own traits. I'm relatively quiet but I'm not shy. I detest meeting new people or keeping up with conversations that has no meaning nor any gain out of it. But if you know, you know I'm not as quiet as you think you first met me, I've strong opinions for valuable life decisions and if I fight for you it probably means that I know you're better than all there is to not fight for. I'm drawn towards little kids, disabled especially. and to the older folks. I wouldn't say I've a heart made of gold, It's because I've a passion for them and seeing smiles on their faces makes me the happiest person in the world. The only time I feel like I'm filled with happiness in me would be when I'm doing something relating to them. The emotions that i've in me makes me makes me need my "alone time", trust it, I would be so different if I don't get my alone time, it's like - being alone's like recovering from the exhaustion or restoring the drain of energy. Despite all that I am, i'm also rather sensitive and vulnerable.
I break easily and trust my own judgement too much. I fall, and I crash.

but feeling all this makes me human.

not happiness.

they say happiness is a choice.
it's a matter of how you define it.
it's based on how you look at the context of it
it's what that matters most to me.

this afternoon, i was on the phone with a girlfriend that I haven't seen in the longest time, apparently - she was the only person the truth came out bluntly towards.
I almost broke myself like as though I was a glass bottle on someone else's hand, thrown down from the 24th floor. And all I could do to myself was stay in agony, bitterness and misery. I never knew what the term 'unhappy' was all about cause all I strive for would be happiness. Well I grew up knowing happiness was the key to living life.
Our conversation was the one that I've never had with anyone else. I told her the deepest thought within the first 25seconds of that phone call. I panicked. And within the next minute, I exclaimed saying "I am not happy".
I didn't know why I was so jittery, it was like, you finally realized that buying twenty pieces of dresses couldn't make you happy or getting 14 pairs of heels could bring you to the stage of what 'happiness' was.
i needed to breath, i needed to calm myself - cause i thought i was sprouting words that I didn't understand myself.  But even still, i got home realizing I wasn't happy, not even contented with what I had. Well, what do i have. Starting to realize that the key source of living my life was dying. I honestly don't know what to feel. Or in simpler terms, i don't know how to feel - it's like all these emotions are mixed in a spiral that's out of reach. I'm losing it.


Happiness - what makes you happy. cause superficial isn't ringing down that tone any longer.

mixed

It's such a cold night, well, i mean literally. 

but one thing more would be the cold running through my skin.

I am trying, trying so hard to break your walls down.

Maybe it's just walls against me, but I am trying. 

I don't hate you, neither do I despise it whatever you did.

Everyone runs around with their own flaws.

I do too.

everything happened, you and i can't deny.

but it's been more than a year// it's been close to a year.

I miss you, that feeling of comfort. 

The one that I could do all sort of stupid things with

the one that could break my walls yet build them up within a second

I remember how the term bestfriend was such a cliche term to be used on us.

well, i missed you, and I took the effort to try, I took those walls down to try to talk to you

but guess you're the one with walls built beyond anyone could break.

//

i hate it when someone shouts at me, it's like whenever i try to do something right

i get all the whole shouted at thing

//

i hate it when you give tell someone what you're gonna do 

and they do it too

oh it's not the 'you copy me' shit

but it's the you fucking stole the idea for my god damned assignment

//

i hate it when people don't remember things you tell them

it's like, you remind them 10 times and you know that they get irritated by it

so you stop for the 11 time

and they don't do it

//

i hate it when someone could lie to you

and look straight into your eyes with that fucking lie

and when you ask them about it again

they lie

all they do is lie

when they expect the truth out of you

//

the fact that people go unappreciative 

when you try to do something to make their day

they go all unappreciative 

and screw yours

--------

it's like no one fucking listens to me

no fucking one 

if you fucking ask me why am i raging 

it's cause no one wants to listen to my crap

cause it's all bullshit somehow

whatever man.

so many things to feel today

fucking day, fucking soul.

like i said, we arent talking
so where the fuck are we heading to


hi 2014, you seemed so messed up on your first day
looks like you made one heck of a first impression.

for the last time.

I cry quite alot.

maybe more than alot, 

I'm rather emotional

but 2013 changed me - it made me somewhat a better person, somewhat someone whom became.. different.

I'd have always said being like the norm isn't what I aim to achieve, I  wanna be different yet I wanna blend through the colors of everyone. What this year did to me, I cannot comprehend, I cannot look back and ask myself whether it was good or bad. 

Well, there was a difference, indeed there was - cause I remember how fragile I once was when the year began, I remember how I always told myself "It's all gonna suck, i hate everyone, everybody and I wish everyone would die". I used to be really negative about everything, therefore no new year resolution was created, no friends were made, but everything in my head was purely insanity. 

I started my 2013, with agony, frustration, unhappy and negatively - just because realization struck me. I think the earlier part of the year was filled with curses, and unforgiveness - and maybe 2014 is the year I'd want to change that. 

forgiveness - it's probably the last thing anyone could have attained from me. 

Well, I don't know how 2014 would be like, but I think it's gonna be a year of forgiveness, from those grudges I've held onto since years ago, I think I am finally prepared to face those haunted nights, I know 2014 would be a tough year, but tough years makes tough people, and it's gonna be something I'd do. I know I lost a couple, or rather, alot of people in 2013, I realized how lazy I was to meet friends, or to continue catching up with others because I saw no meaning to it, so it's a year where I'm going to try, at least try, to have everything in placed again. 

it's not going to be a easy year, but tough times don't last, only tough people. I trust 2014, I trust the ones I've now, and I trust myself to walk on thorns. 

happy 2014!