state of.....

I'm not mad. Maybe I am beyond mad.
I don't really know what to feel.
I feel lost. I feel unsettled.
I feel like I just ripped the tangibility of trust out of myself.

I say I forgive you, and I do sincerely want to do that. Maybe I just need alittle bit of time, to process what happened and how it all happened.
I hated that all this happened. and I summed it in my head, maybe the only reason why it hurts so much is because I been lied to my entire life, I have relationships that I seen broken down because of lies. I have clear view of my parents lying and see how something gets broken down. I know what lying feels like. And to answer you, I have never ever looked you into the eye and lied to you. If you figured the truth I admit it. But......... hey you didn't. I don't care why you did it, I don't care what the lie was about. I don't fucking care who the best interest was. I care that you lied, you lied to my face.
And I honestly hate you for that, cause you really hurt me this time round. One thing I never thought you would have done because you claimed it was in 'your values'. i can't look you in the face and tell you, I will not doubt anything you say to be ever again. Because fact is, I will doubt. I will think that there might be a possibility that you have the ability to do so. Because hey, you managed to do it, and I congratulate you for having me to believe whatever you said. I know the lie was not big of a deal. But. This is what you capable of.

Maybe I am naive, gullible and stupid. But I do know what it feels like to hurt. And this time, I don't know how to look at you and tell you I would look past this. I don't know how to not cry thinking about it. I feel like utter shit. I feel like crap that you did this. Honestly, I am disappointed in you, and I am even more disappointed in myself for believing that you would never have done this.