faith

"Are we okay?"
"I don't know" 

It feels like a drought. I feel like I am oblivion to my surroundings. I feel like I'm about to snap but what is the use for snapping.

1 year ago, I fell in love with this guy, a complete stranger. I sat down and had coffee for a good 6 hours and even shifted all my plans for him, and from then on - I had my eyes on him. He was charming, especially with his words. So charismatic and had the right tinge of humor in him. Well, soon after his humor got the better of me, his jokes turned into rough thorns, and me being me, I would think about what his jokes were about and think thoroughly if they were what he really felt, but sometimes jokes don't sound like jokes. I had fun. I was never this happy. I have never been happier through my one year with him. Six months before I moved to NZ, it was definitely still our "honeymoon period" according to everybody, and I never regretted a single day being with him. He, was definitely the guy that made me at my happiest, and I love him.

I have lived with him for 6 months now, and I haven't regretted a day.
Moving here was definitely a big change in our relationship and I wouldn't deny that I moved here not knowing what would happen and only knowing that stranger for six months. Six months and now we are living together, strange but amazing. I liked to be different from the norm, so to me, maybe it was okay to move out, to live with my boyfriend. All the more, my parents were going through that divorce, I was part of the whole mess and I couldn't have been able to swallow and walk away without feeling like crap.

Honestly if you asked me why I moved here, I would say cause I was clingy. I knew that I was going to be different when the divorce blew up in my face, when my parents were both losing it, I was slowly losing my sanity at the same time. I couldn't be home. All I wanted to do was have Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays just to party away to not feel a thing and just skip reality for abit. I knew I was going to be different but I didn't want to be that girl. I had a responsibility, I was someone's girlfriend and I couldn't let lose like that. I didn't want to be that girl, I didn't want to allow myself to be someone I hated, but to me, that was my only route to feeling normal.

When B left, all I did was coped in my room, go for late night suppers or even to party all day without caring about anyone's feelings.

I was selfish I admit that.

And upon that selfish mindset, I decided instead of losing myself, why not keep it but keep it far away from here. So this is why I moved to NZ. I wanted to study, and I did. I wanted to be as far as I could from my family, and I did as well. I just wanted to keep being myself without losing it - and maybe I was too selfish for doing so.

I was tired of my family, all that drama and I hated myself for being involved. I just couldn't love myself anymore, cause I was blamed to let all this happen. If I knew he was coming to Singapore, I should have said something, I should have done something, when I guessed my mom had an affair, I should have did something there instead of allowing things to go on. I hated knowing. I hated them. I hated myself.

And I was alright before all that happened.

I was that girl, the one that could do all things on her own, quiet, and independent. I made sure I did not rely on anyone, not even my boyfriend. I probably had a handful of friends and alot of acquaintance. I could watch a movie alone, go shopping all by myself or sit in a fine dining restaurant just by myself, and it was perfectly fine. I'm that girl that gets socially drained and stop being herself when she's tired. I can't keep up and out with a number of friends 7 days a week and have only 4 hours to be myself. I need my space and I need to recharge to process what my friends said in that particular day or lunch.

I moved here.

And I started accepting what  I did, and loved myself, I became household independent and I started being less of a brat because I was on my own. I thought I became better, more independent domestically and I was happier. All I know, I was very happy, the only thing that brought me down was I knew I needed my socializing life back even though I hated to socialize. I knew I couldn't completely rely on B and I knew that I needed friends, the only problem was I didn't know how to make any. So B was technically, my only friend here. It gets lonely, definitely, I don't get to turn to anyone when I make a mess in my relationship and I am actually forced to sit and think about the next option other than relying for a given option.

We used to fight. And now we fight, maybe we don't fight, we talk. We talk rather seriously that actually becomes really scary. I get scared.

Two nights ago, we had a fight, like  I said, our fights are mere talking, just really serious without the screaming and shouting but alot of crying.

I found out that B saw different personalities in me in Singapore, and that made him think through about who I was. I asked myself the very same day that, and I knew who I was, I just went back to being that brat in Singapore, and I had no idea why. I could blame the weather because it got the better of me, but I'm the only one to blame. I did feel horrible for acting like that, and I didn't know what exactly I was doing, merely. acting. like a brat. And that's not me.

I would do whatever just to have my relationship to scroll right back up, I would do whatever just to keep you by my side. And I know I do get annoying, clingy and most of the time selfish. I snatch your blanket and steal your bathrobes. I act like a kid and get really lazy, but we're both humans, we get lazy and we do get irritating, maybe just me. I want to be the best girlfriend, or rather, I try to be. The only thing that creeps onto my skin is fear, I fear I would lose you one day and I'm not ready for that. I know I do think of our relationship really deep into the future, but I can't help it, I would stop because things only last in the moment, you never know what the future holds.


I'm just that girl that's really into you.