why

Everything is coming to an end - either it's me running out of patience or I'm just tired of the usual routine of life.
Maybe it's time for my break, it''s time for me to learn to love myself and figure what's good for me. It's time I figure out what I am going to do next and how I am gonna get there. It's time I solely think about myself and only me. I should stop worrying about everyone and what they want.

At this stage in life, I think I have the capacity to only love myself and Donut. I don't think I can deal with another let down.

I don't think I've ever felt like that.
I think I've aupressdd myself long enough. I think I'm about to collapse and just cry. For the first time in a long time, i have finally let myself feel what's being sad all about. I can finally feel what's like to lose a parent. The feeling of losing someone you used to love and adore. I've seen the transition of my life in the last two years, I've seen how everyone changed within two years and it's sad to say but I no longer recognize them. I no longer recognize the people I used to love or the ones that used to care so much about me.

I don't think there's anything worst than destroying someone's dignity. I don't think there's anything worst than losing that flesh attached to your body. I used to say it's okay, she's happy. But so what if she's happy. When she's happy but everyone else isn't, when her happiness destroyed everything. But on my part, it's selfish to want her back even though everything will never be the same. The last two years has been hell. The numerous attempts of suicide and people getting hurts. Is this what the process of happiness has to be? For the first time in the two years I'm celebrating Chinese New Year in Singapore, and it feels odd, knowing that I am not gonna spend it with my entire family. But what's family.

It's all these feelings that surrounds me and I'm not entirely sure what I should do. It's me feeling lost and broken yet I'm not supposed to show it. It's me telling the whole world I'm okay just because I need to be.

I don't even know what's going on,
I don't know what's wrong with me blabbering here and having so much feelings in me.

It's like a mix feeling of everything
maybe I'm just filled with a lump of confusion over my head
When you finally realise you don't know who to trust, and who to talk to.
When you finally realise you have lost everyone
And you've nothing left.


So many contradictions, so many judgement. Tell me. Have you ever judged me because of what I am or who I am. Because I have a family that's so broke or because I'm the 'princess' of the family that get what I want. Tell me, have you judged me? I feel like, I should finally stop thinking about everyone else because all I hear is lies and more lies. I feel like I been so tangible and everyone around me was merely spinning and playing with what was in my head. Doesn't it feel utterly horrible when you finally realised that you been played.


For once,  I feel really sad. So sad to the point that I don't really know what to do. I don't know who I can talk to and who I should turn to. I feel like everyone I have once trusted, all played me out. This time, I am trying to figure if you should even hold afew close ones when the closest one has turned their back on you. Well, they never turned away, they simply twisted their words, kinda smart I reckon.


I feel like I lost everything important to me. I am just.. feeling so much.
I realised how much I've bottled up for so long just to prevent judgement from one person to another, and I realised I can't do this any longer. I realised all I do is turn to my bed and cry, and you get up and tell yourself 'you will make it' and you turn happy, and the cycle repeats.


It just hurts, it hurts a lot. To know what your friends are treating you as and how people turn to you. It hurts, really. it hurts to know that you don't even know if the ones closest to you actually love you.


Honestly, I don't know if you love me anymore, I don't know what exactly 'love' should represent. I don't know how one should love another person. I thought love was acceptance, trust and no judgement, but I guess I was wrong. And I guess that's not how everyone loves.

no excuses.

Writing frees my emotions. I get to sit silently and think through what has been on my mind.
Rage. That's the word. I been filled with rage, hatred and so much more. I hated all that has been happening to me. I felt like my life was over, disturbed and humiliated.

I have never felt like my dignity was ripped off my soul till that one night, and today, i'm still learning to forgive. I'm trying to not have the world hate my parents as much as I hate them. Yes they did something wrong, but for 21 years, I did despise them, they were never the idea parents. And if you are from a home that's perfect, strict parents and what so. Be thankful. I cried for days. I isolated myself for days and I didn't eat, sleep or shop. I'd say I'm proud of myself for not shopping, but I'm certainly not proud at the way I took a knife against my dad. I'm not proud of how I acted or screamed fuck you at him.

I don't hate him, I hate his actions.
People around me hear what they do, they hear what happen and they listen. They know what my parents do to me and how I suffered not-so-silently. If you knew me years ago, my rage was simply about how my parents never loved me and money was the center of my family.
Indeed, you can say I'm rich or spoilt, I won't deny. I know I've been a brat since awhile back. But shopping was my way of happiness. Everything I had was temporary and i knew it. I was told that one day all that I have will be gone. I never believed it.

Never did I believe one day I'd have lost everything. I never thought that it would have been me. I thought I was daddy's princess till the day it all came crashing down. I held it in for 1 year and more, I kept quiet and I cried only to one person. I hated how they were treating me. I hated how I could get calls and get told "don't ever come home, I never want to see you again". I was hurt. Devastated. I mean, which parent in the right mind would tell their child that.
The blow got even bigger when I was back in Singapore. I was told that he's doing all that to me simply because I'm the only thing valuable enough for him to hurt. Cause when he hurts me, he will hut her.

I tried to take it in, but deep down. I know I feel sad. I feel horrified of my own home and I feel scared. I feel like I'm all alone and I don't have a space to breath. I felt like every inch of happiness was stolen away from me and I'm sucked into this compress world. I feel like I did lose everything and it was all taken away from me within the next moment.

It's true. I took everything for granted. My life was..... everything. I had a really great boyfriend, I could shop and not have a limit to it, I had friends that I slowly let go cause I couldn't give a fuck about maintaining a friendship. I said I hated making friends, but when I made the closest friends, I let them go within a month. I hurt people around me last year. I failed them and broke their trust in me. I am sorry friends, family and even boyfriend. I am sorry for hurting or taking any of you for granted. I was never in the position to take you all for granted. I never had any intention hurting or being a bitch around you. I never meant to make our friendship "me". I talked all day about myself and what was bothering me. I never listened and I was never there when you guys needed me.

This goes out to all of you.
I am sorry. And maybe it's too late for me to say sorry, but do know that I miss what I had with all of you. How genuine and real a friendship could be while working at Abercrombie or how we all grew up together in Secondary school. Or how we tried to live together for a year.

My life shouldn't have been the center of it all. And I should have never been so selfish or self centered.