no excuses.

Writing frees my emotions. I get to sit silently and think through what has been on my mind.
Rage. That's the word. I been filled with rage, hatred and so much more. I hated all that has been happening to me. I felt like my life was over, disturbed and humiliated.

I have never felt like my dignity was ripped off my soul till that one night, and today, i'm still learning to forgive. I'm trying to not have the world hate my parents as much as I hate them. Yes they did something wrong, but for 21 years, I did despise them, they were never the idea parents. And if you are from a home that's perfect, strict parents and what so. Be thankful. I cried for days. I isolated myself for days and I didn't eat, sleep or shop. I'd say I'm proud of myself for not shopping, but I'm certainly not proud at the way I took a knife against my dad. I'm not proud of how I acted or screamed fuck you at him.

I don't hate him, I hate his actions.
People around me hear what they do, they hear what happen and they listen. They know what my parents do to me and how I suffered not-so-silently. If you knew me years ago, my rage was simply about how my parents never loved me and money was the center of my family.
Indeed, you can say I'm rich or spoilt, I won't deny. I know I've been a brat since awhile back. But shopping was my way of happiness. Everything I had was temporary and i knew it. I was told that one day all that I have will be gone. I never believed it.

Never did I believe one day I'd have lost everything. I never thought that it would have been me. I thought I was daddy's princess till the day it all came crashing down. I held it in for 1 year and more, I kept quiet and I cried only to one person. I hated how they were treating me. I hated how I could get calls and get told "don't ever come home, I never want to see you again". I was hurt. Devastated. I mean, which parent in the right mind would tell their child that.
The blow got even bigger when I was back in Singapore. I was told that he's doing all that to me simply because I'm the only thing valuable enough for him to hurt. Cause when he hurts me, he will hut her.

I tried to take it in, but deep down. I know I feel sad. I feel horrified of my own home and I feel scared. I feel like I'm all alone and I don't have a space to breath. I felt like every inch of happiness was stolen away from me and I'm sucked into this compress world. I feel like I did lose everything and it was all taken away from me within the next moment.

It's true. I took everything for granted. My life was..... everything. I had a really great boyfriend, I could shop and not have a limit to it, I had friends that I slowly let go cause I couldn't give a fuck about maintaining a friendship. I said I hated making friends, but when I made the closest friends, I let them go within a month. I hurt people around me last year. I failed them and broke their trust in me. I am sorry friends, family and even boyfriend. I am sorry for hurting or taking any of you for granted. I was never in the position to take you all for granted. I never had any intention hurting or being a bitch around you. I never meant to make our friendship "me". I talked all day about myself and what was bothering me. I never listened and I was never there when you guys needed me.

This goes out to all of you.
I am sorry. And maybe it's too late for me to say sorry, but do know that I miss what I had with all of you. How genuine and real a friendship could be while working at Abercrombie or how we all grew up together in Secondary school. Or how we tried to live together for a year.

My life shouldn't have been the center of it all. And I should have never been so selfish or self centered.