It floats from one end to the other.
Thinking about the incapability of the human kind,
but worrying is the only thing I know how to do right now.
Then maybe the "ifs" that ran through my mind were gone,
I wonder what would happen to me next.
I've always told others, "be glad that your parents actually have family dinner and so with you, be glad that they show you they love you by giving you hugs and kisses, be glad that they're always there for you. Well, mine gives me money with no time" - and I've always gotten the same reaction, "woah, if I can i'd prefer money". Trust me, I've always wanted my parents time, it's like the best thing I could have asked from them, you wanna know the deepest secret I could possibly reveal, I've never i mean, never once stepped into town for quality time with my family, well except my dad's birthday for some dinner - so that's like once a year? Haha.
If you never knew, my parents are like.... one of the strictest asses in the world. I've never met any parent worst than mine, okay maybe I'd speak about my Dad, I've never met anyone like him - really, somehow when I grew up, I felt like he was the worst dad I could have ever had, I felt like all he has given to me was money, when I became rebellious even for alittle, he'd have taken everything away from me and told me "this is my house, I do what I want with it". It made me feel like I had nothing, for my 18 years living here, I felt - I felt like nothing was mine - so if anyone ever asked why I worked when I could have everything I wanted, it was because I felt like I couldn't have anything I wanted cause even the little savings I had from the allowance he gave, it was still his. Trust me, I hated that, I hated every bit of it.
You know what's the worst part, hahaha I'm 18 and the freedom I get is as good as a 16 year old - and mind you, I don't have a curfew, I just get really screwed if I don't report my whereabouts - My parents once told me they'd hire a PI just to keep a look out on me on who I was meeting. Who wouldn't have hated their parents if they did that, simply by reading between the lines it was as good as saying "I don't trust you, I don't trust what you're doing and I don't trust anyone you hang out with". Aw, i hated that, but I love my parents. So I was alittle caught in the middle. Oh, here's another good part, they never, or don't allow me to get a boyfriend but I'm able to date whoever they introduce me to. thumbs up for them.
As time went by, I grew to dislike what they did, dislike every bit of what they have made me go through. I hated it, I wanted to be a rebel, but it wasn't in me, It wasn't in me to defy their every yes and no(s). I couldn't defy, I was never brought up to defy, as much as they pictured me as the perfect girl, I was never the perfect girl and I hated it. - the fact that they pictured me to be all perfect made it even worst, cause I was supposed to be someone I wasn't.
Up till today, my parents are still as money-minded people as ever, but one thing I realized was because that was the way they function, they believe that without money you're nothing - to a certain extend it's true you're nothing without money - they believe that money is a high reason why relationships dysfunction all the time, but one thing I realized was they do love me, they're over protective people cause they're both broken people and they don't want their only daughter to go through the same path they went through, // she doesn't want me to date someone like him cause // he doesn't want me me to take her path down. Overprotective, but they do love me. I might take forever to forgive what they've down to make me feel so unloved feel like I was never enough for them because I was never that perfect daughter that they wanted, yes I did rebel, I found all ways to be someone they never wanted me to become. They aren't the greatest parents, but they're my parents and they've sheltered me for 18years, 18 years taking my nonsense that some people couldn't even have taken for 2 months. As much as they've failed me, as much as they haven't been the greatest, as much as I've compared them to others, I've them, and they're the ones that would have my back forever.
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right now, I'm paranoid, paranoid over what may happened, I function like this, right now I know if all the 'ifs' were gone, I would not know what to do, I know i'd be the biggest dysfunctional person there is to live, but i"d be fine, this paranoia would go away, and I'd be fine.
yes it sucks but i'd be fine.
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