I thought I was happy last year. I felt like I was. It felt as though I had everything and nothing else mattered. Little did I know that my happy days were all taken for granted. I subconsciously hurt people around me and relied on everyone for help when I needed it, yet I took it for granted. I continuously fell sick even when B was there, clearly I took it for granted thinking that everytime I fell sick I had someone to look out for me. I cried for days and I continued to do the things that were clearly unhealthy simply because I felt like it was right. I don't have the best parents, but what other choice do I have when my parents are the only people that are supporting me.
They can hurt me a thousand times, but who was there when I needed to be support when I was younger. I can't simply abandon them just because they hurt me this once. But you know how it feels like, it feels like you've zero strength of standing by yourself, it feels like you don't know whether you should be the mature one or be the one that continues to give in. I keep feeling like I should bother and I should forgive, i keep thinking that I should give them another chance. But how many more times am I going to be willing to get hurt over.
It feels like I don't even know what I want till I lose everything. I feel like i don't even know what's important to me anymore. I feel like this time round I have to walk away from everything I hold close. Maybe to even take a month off to get over all of this. Maybe that's what i have to do to get better. The fact that I almost lost my sanity when I pulled the knife out. That makes me feel utterly disgusting to know what I was capable of. I feel disgusted knowing that people knows my family is like that. I feel disgusted that I have such a family or the fact that my dad was capable of treating me in such a manner.
I have never felt so sad in my life or feel like I don't know what I want. I don't even feel like going out or going to shop, I don't feel like going anywhere but somewhere to be by myself. I know I will miss it here by leaving everything like that. But I can't possibly find another way I can tell myself I will be happy. I'm tired. I am so tired of what I have been going though the past one year. I feel sick and tired of knowing that it's been one year and nothing has changed. I figured that i no longer need anyone to tell me eventually it will be okay because it will never be okay. I don't even know what to do to make anything okay anymore. I felt like I could fix things and give things time to heal, but what 's the point. I have to fix myself before I can even do anything else.
It isn't about B and I, it's isn't about how he always eventually makes me feel better. Because I know this time round he can't, I know only I can make myself feel better otherwise whatever that I do or have now is not going to help. I just need to be by myself and think it through.
I am sorry to whoever I've hurt, relied on or took for granted in 2015 or the previous years. I'm not asking for forgiveness, but I just want you to know I am sorry. I can't give the excuse of me being hurt as well. But the way I treated any of you should have been utter crap. I placed my relationship as a huge priority because I felt as though no one else cared about my wellbeing and placed B responsible over my life subconsciously and that was never supposed to happen. I'm really sorry I've hurt people. Especially Shivy and B.
Shivy I'm sorry I took you for granted and just left you in Singapore by simply flying to NZ on impulse. I'm sorry I allowed my boyfriend to replace the tier of bestfriend. I am sorry if I hurt you or used you in any manner. I'm sorry that I'm pushing you away from my life at this point of time or just going to NZ in a week's time. I'm sorry that I've been regarding you as someone that could be available to my life 24/7, I'm sorry that I completely took you for granted.
B, I'm sorry I held you responsible over me, I am sorry I made my entire world revolved around yours. I shouldn't have. All the more we aren't married or so, I'm sorry that I had myself completely rely on you and I'm sorry that it was because of me that your studies got pushed back. I'm sorry that I placed the importance of my family when you saw that all they were doing was things to hurt me. I understand if you dislike them, but I hope you understood that it was only because I felt like I was in the position that I had to be their daughter and be there for them all the more I was 7000miles away. I never meant to hurt you or upset you.
It's time I tried to love myself alittle and be there for myself.
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