i'm not the

Well, I'm not sure what this is gonna be,

But with my eyes closed all I see

Is the skyline, through the window,

The moon above you and the streets below.

I have spent 19 years, going through drama, feeling all shitty and feeling at the peak of my life. I've fought for happiness and gave up in despair. I remember how I used to tell myself I gave up on hope, I gave up on love and everything there was that could possibly make myself happy, cause happiness was something attained by the impossible. 

Well, that was how I viewed things 5years ago.

and so much has changed ever since. 

I have been a disappointment, a wreck, messed up and a friend that no one wants. I remember how I had to pull through my secondary school years to be someone I wasn't. To fit in was all I wanted because I never had a group of friends that accepted me and not treat me like their punching bags. That was life, going home right after classes because dinner was considered late and frankly, I didn't have the friends to hang out with. 

again, that was 5 years ago. 

and now I'm 19 on the road of turning 20 in less than 6months? and lets say, in less than a year and a half I would be 21, but right now I don't know where life would bring me within that short span of 2 years. Frankly, I don't know where I want to be. I don't know what I want to do. 

My thoughts of being an SQ girl still runs in my head, well, it's the only place that I know I want to be at right now. 

Everyone's growing up, everything here's moving so quickly, but time stops for no one. 

well, but is that what life's about? to keep rushing endlessly. To attain a degree, find a job, settle down, get married have kids. Where's the part where you take a year off and do what you want. Where's the part where you don't dread your feet to work because it's a place you would want to be in and that makes you happy. 

Because all I'm hearing from everyone's why is making that choice of what to do in life so hard. Well it is, cause I don't want to see myself in 10 years time knowing that I'm striving for merely an income but not my happiness. 

I have spent this 19 years, knowing that the key to life isn't just success, but happiness comes before that. Do what makes you happy. That's what I want to do, and being in the society makes me feel like happiness is pressurizing yourself to become something. 

Well, I am sorry if I am nothing right now, but I'm wasting my time and not yours. I don't want to jump into something that I don't enjoy doing and come out of it feeling unhappy. If someone was to ask what I like, I like things that makes others happy. I would do whatever it takes just to make your day because your day makes mine.

I would put you first before myself just because the joy of others makes me feel the best of myself when I know I did something for that person. 

It's the same when it comes to two people wanting to buy the same dress, but it's the last piece. If it makes you happy, then I would rather you have it. Ya, I could get it and make myself feel happy about it, but like I said, when I know you're happy, I would feel two times better than myself being happy. 

but I know that I would be all that even if you're a mere stranger. 

I know I'm the kind of girl that I would get bored of things if I see no effort in. I would do whatever that makes you happy, but this doesn't mean you get to step all over me. This doesn't mean that I wouldn't walk away when I figure you're not bothered about my day even if I made yours.

I think there's too many "I"s in one post, but here's for the ones that might ever stubble across this post:
I feel alot, and I get emotional most of the time. I would start giving up on you the moment I realize that our friendship's filled with investment that's just from me. It's tiresome to realize that others don't really bother about what your life is about. I try to be involved as much as I can in your life, but that's a clear line to when I walk away. I can't sit by the lawn waiting for anyone to appear, I can't idle my whole day to figure where i stand in your life. I can't be the one investing in you yet I  realize you don't bother about my existence unless something happens to you.
I'm not the kind of girl where you run to when you're bored, I walk away when that happens.
I'm tired, tired of being a friend when I know that I'm just a spare toy for you to grab when you need one. I'm not a arm candy just to help you through your night. I'm not going to be any of that when I know that you don't bother.
Sometimes when you call or message someone sooo often, you would actually feel like you're bothering them and they don't really care. yeah, that's how most of you make me feel. like at the point where I feel like I'm bothering you and you can make it seem that way when it's me who initiates any conversation.

Well, think twice about what you're doing. Cause treating someone as your "spare friend" isn't the kind of friend I want to be, and you're not the kind of friend I want to be there for either.
Wondered why I left, yeah, maybe this post would let you know why I'm leaving. 

I aim to please, because making your day makes mine, but really, don't make me your spare when all I've been was there for you.