letting go

If you gave me a chance I would take it

It's a shot in the dark but I'll make it

Know with all of your heart, you can't shake me

When I am with you, there's no place I'd rather be

19 years, I learnt that happiness is something you fight for. 

19 years, I learnt that struggles doesn't mean the only light is giving up.

19 years, I learnt that everything happens for a reason, a good one. 

Sometimes, I tend to look back and ask myself "were those tears worth it". I have faced failures like it's the end of the road, told myself to just turn away and go back to where I came from than to find another route out. 

Trust me, I'm full of hate in me. I have despised you, tell myself you don't exist, and pretended that you just don't exist. Just because I was broken by you even with a mended heart. I know that if you stumble across this post, you would know who exactly I'm referring to, basically - you. Just because you hurt me and I find it the toughest to forgive. The ones that I told exactly what xxx did to me and you could do the same. 

Tell me, why exactly are you asking me why I'm angry when you know what broke me once, why do it to me again. 

I'm only human, it's only human of my feelings to know that I despise you, your actions. Everything about you, even the thought of you in my head disgust me. The thought of what you have done to me still makes my eyes go runny. Sometimes unable to say it out even. 

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But I realized that it's killing me - I can't live with the hate I have towards any of you. It haunts me because I can't trust that someone won't do that to me just because you did it. So I'm letting all go. I know I said it once, and I took those words back, but I'll be safe. That's what I choose to believe. I'll be okay. And I would forgive but I would never look back and give you away the moment I look at you, I would smile and move. I wouldn't be your friend, but I'm still going to ask you how's it going if I see you downtown.

I'm not going to waste my day ever if I see you down town, I wouldn't allow you to spoil any of my days ahead because that's not what I am and that isn't what I'm going to do. I have lost all respect for you, but I will be here if you ever need me, I will listen to your rumbles and tell you my honest opinion, but I don't think I can hold a casual conversation with you anymore. I don't think I would be able to sit down and have my lunch with you across the table.

Someone told me "I'm pretty thankful for all those things that happened to you, otherwise I might never have met you and you might not be at this place, at this time - we could have never met". That made me realize that I had to be thankful for my past instead of being filled with resent. 

I can be bitter, bitchy and cruel in every way I can plot my sweet revenge on. I would have said "step on me and  I would crush you", but why be that girl when there's so much more than turning sweet into sour. We live once, why not make the best happy moments out of it. If someone doesn't deserve that spot in your life, if someone is making it hard then walk away, there's always a choice in happiness, a choice of who you want to keep and make you happy.